***ing Art Schools
I'm Just an agressive, pushy, perfectionist
It's sunny outside. The kind of sunny that makes everyone want to go outside and just lay in their front yards or mow their lawns just for the hell of it. I fucken hate those types of sunny days. They only happen once in a while, maybe once a month or if I feel god is feeling particuarely vengeful maybe twice a month. It's not a good time when that happens though. I usually sit inside and feel pretty sorry for myself. Not in a pathetic way though, because I'm not pathetic.
I may sit inside for the majority of most weekends, and do exactly what my parents tell me to do, or get straight A's just because I feel I have to, but nobody calls me pathetic. I wouldn't even use that word to describe myself.
It's a Tuesday though. 2nd day of the 2nd week of the 2nd month of the year. If you're not fucken retarded, that means its February 14. Ha ha. I'm not going to go into some huge speech about how fucken gay valentines day is or how I wish I had a date, because I don't. It's just another day at another fucken school where I just go.
My dad drives me, he drives me in his dark green ford f-150 while trying to spark conversation with me in the backseat. It's only two of us in the car but I sit in the backseat. I just look out the window at the passing bland scenery. I look at it everyday freeway, freeway, plants, grass, buildings. Nothing special to look at but I pretend I don't hear him talking. I'm not one for talking, not even to my family.
My school's an art school, a big fucken whoop-de-doo art school. I'm in the film and Tv program we make movies. I'm an editor though. The production process? Boom mics, actors, direction, cameras, dollys, cranes. Not for me. I'd rather sit inside my room on my computer sifting through final cut pro to find the perfect opening clip to put behind the credits on final cut pro. And also, I don't like dealing with the kids in my class. They're my friends, I think, but mostly they're just peers and I move around them doing things that I have to do and making sure they don't get in my way.
There's this one girl...Ashley. I used to have a crush on her USED is the past tense by the way I don't have a crush on her anymore. FUCK no. Ever since we started hanging out, I've just sort of drifted my feelings from her. Even though I used to think about her blue eyes...her long brown hair...and everything....I thought about her a lot. I pictured myself going out with her but I never built up the courage to tell her. She's really honest, more like fucken blunt. She comes out with the fucking truth no matter what is in her way. If she doesn't like my hair? She'll say it and not care what I feel, so for once in a long time I felt genuinely scared to tell someone what I feel. Who am I fucking kidding I'm always shitting myself with this crap. I'm always scared to tell people how I feel because then...when they leave me they know how I actually feel about them leaving. They'll know that I feel pain. and that's a weakness.
I've been pushing her away lately...Ashley. She started getting too close to me. We hung out everyday at lunch and would talk about everything in the whole fucking world. I insulted her a lot, tried to get her to stop hanging out with me but it was hard she still hangs out with me and this antonia girl. Well now it's minus me. I stopped. I moved along to my old friends so that we wouldn't get closer.
But the thing about my old friends, it involves my ex - boyfriend. And that's awkward. He doesn't talk to me and we don't make eyecontact ever. I never know what to talk about with those people supposedly our friends. You see, once you break up with a boyfriend unless they were your friends first...then the friends leave with the boyfriend. It's a cycle and it was the first time going through that cycle myself. I didn't know how to react besides with alienation. I alienated myself from them and everyone. But now that that was over. I was back. I was hanging out with them again I was talking about nothing with them and not sharing anything. They weren't sharing anything with me either. I just stood there. I would look over and see Ashley and Antonia sitting there on the curb, laughing their fucking asses off. Well, jolly. Having a fucking good time without me. Sometimes I just go over there to fuck with them, but I'm not sure if it works because they don't act any differently . sometimes they act worse.
I'm stressing out over this now and I don't know what to do. I stress a lot and I don't know how to not do this.
I may sit inside for the majority of most weekends, and do exactly what my parents tell me to do, or get straight A's just because I feel I have to, but nobody calls me pathetic. I wouldn't even use that word to describe myself.
It's a Tuesday though. 2nd day of the 2nd week of the 2nd month of the year. If you're not fucken retarded, that means its February 14. Ha ha. I'm not going to go into some huge speech about how fucken gay valentines day is or how I wish I had a date, because I don't. It's just another day at another fucken school where I just go.
My dad drives me, he drives me in his dark green ford f-150 while trying to spark conversation with me in the backseat. It's only two of us in the car but I sit in the backseat. I just look out the window at the passing bland scenery. I look at it everyday freeway, freeway, plants, grass, buildings. Nothing special to look at but I pretend I don't hear him talking. I'm not one for talking, not even to my family.
My school's an art school, a big fucken whoop-de-doo art school. I'm in the film and Tv program we make movies. I'm an editor though. The production process? Boom mics, actors, direction, cameras, dollys, cranes. Not for me. I'd rather sit inside my room on my computer sifting through final cut pro to find the perfect opening clip to put behind the credits on final cut pro. And also, I don't like dealing with the kids in my class. They're my friends, I think, but mostly they're just peers and I move around them doing things that I have to do and making sure they don't get in my way.
There's this one girl...Ashley. I used to have a crush on her USED is the past tense by the way I don't have a crush on her anymore. FUCK no. Ever since we started hanging out, I've just sort of drifted my feelings from her. Even though I used to think about her blue eyes...her long brown hair...and everything....I thought about her a lot. I pictured myself going out with her but I never built up the courage to tell her. She's really honest, more like fucken blunt. She comes out with the fucking truth no matter what is in her way. If she doesn't like my hair? She'll say it and not care what I feel, so for once in a long time I felt genuinely scared to tell someone what I feel. Who am I fucking kidding I'm always shitting myself with this crap. I'm always scared to tell people how I feel because then...when they leave me they know how I actually feel about them leaving. They'll know that I feel pain. and that's a weakness.
I've been pushing her away lately...Ashley. She started getting too close to me. We hung out everyday at lunch and would talk about everything in the whole fucking world. I insulted her a lot, tried to get her to stop hanging out with me but it was hard she still hangs out with me and this antonia girl. Well now it's minus me. I stopped. I moved along to my old friends so that we wouldn't get closer.
But the thing about my old friends, it involves my ex - boyfriend. And that's awkward. He doesn't talk to me and we don't make eyecontact ever. I never know what to talk about with those people supposedly our friends. You see, once you break up with a boyfriend unless they were your friends first...then the friends leave with the boyfriend. It's a cycle and it was the first time going through that cycle myself. I didn't know how to react besides with alienation. I alienated myself from them and everyone. But now that that was over. I was back. I was hanging out with them again I was talking about nothing with them and not sharing anything. They weren't sharing anything with me either. I just stood there. I would look over and see Ashley and Antonia sitting there on the curb, laughing their fucking asses off. Well, jolly. Having a fucking good time without me. Sometimes I just go over there to fuck with them, but I'm not sure if it works because they don't act any differently . sometimes they act worse.
I'm stressing out over this now and I don't know what to do. I stress a lot and I don't know how to not do this.