Almost Lover

Asher snored softly as he lay next to me in his bed. I sighed, staring up at the dark ceiling. The only light really came from the moon, shining through his curtains. It had been snowing a lot earlier today. I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up not having school in the morning. I really hope we don’t, considering that I can’t exactly fall asleep tonight. Asher, being the one with a sleeping disorder, actually took his sleeping medicine. He went out like a light while we were watching a movie together. That’s all we did tonight. We didn’t continue our conversation from earlier. We grabbed hot chocolate and watched a few movies.
My mind is still buzzing. I really don’t know what the right move to make would actually be in my type of situation. Asher means the world to me; he knows this better than anyone. It’s just lately that everything has been starting to get harder with us. I started to freak out with our closeness again, causing me to pull away. I really don’t want to end up like my parents. They had me fresh out of high school, and my dad ditched. My mom was left heartbroken. It was hard to understand that not everyone had only one parent when I was growing up.
I’m terrified of losing Asher. He is the one person that has always been there for me no matter what. I haven’t exactly been in love before, but here this curly-haired, blond boy had me wrapped around his little finger. I don’t think he understands exactly what I would do for him at the drop of a dime. It’s weird. I never imagined myself to be with another boy, let alone give him a promise ring. It was beyond me to know why all of this was happening so fast for us.
I turned over to actually face said boy. He was sleeping with his mouth open, as per usual. I wanted to laugh, but I find it oddly cute. He wasn’t actually cuddled up to me, and vice versa, for once. He was kind of just laying there. My hand slowly tangled it’s self into his feathery light hair. I ran my fingers through it slowly, causing a subconscious reaction from Asher. He turned more toward me, and sighed contently.
I placed a small kiss on my boy’s forehead before I slipped out of his bed. I tried to be as quite as possible as I fiddled around for my pack of cigarettes. Since I’ve been dating Asher, I’ve cut down a whole hell of a lot, but I haven’t fully quite. I basically keep them around for emergencies. I don’t really want to give them up long-term just yet. It calms me down when I really need to think things over.
As quietly as I could, I snuck out of Asher’s room. I left the door slightly ajar so I could let myself back in without much trouble. The stairs weren’t all that loud, so I got down to the ground level rather easily. I grabbed Asher’s huge pea coat hanging in the closet before I walked out of the front door to the Blake’s house. The snow was still peppering down when I walked over toward the side of the house. I was suddenly glad that I was wearing pants instead of just my boxers.
Leaning against the side of his house, I lit the cigarette and took a long drag from it. Dangerous smoke filled my lungs. I was slightly happy with the feeling it gave me. My nerves were going insane. I felt like I was able to properly breathe out in the snowy night. Oddly enough it wasn’t all that dark. I could see within twenty feet in front of me. I was staring over at Izzy’s house. The house looked nearly dead to me.
It’s crazy how far apart Izzy and Asher have drifted. Sure, he sometimes gives her lifts to school, but other than that they barely talk. They were joined at the hip, much like Asher and I. They used to do everything together, but that was before me. That was before Asher was in a actual relationship with someone he really cared about. I knew that it must have killed Izzy. The girl was helplessly in love with him.
The light that flicked on inside her house made me confused. Seconds later, said blonde was sticking her head out of her window. She was trying to get a better look, but it must have not been all that hard. As I stated, it was rather light out tonight. The window shut without a word, and her light flicked off. I sighed before shaking my head. I took another long drag from the death stick. I guess it really shouldn’t have surprised me when Izzy came bounding over in the snow to where I was standing. She was wearing come boots that looked like her dads, and a hoodie to keep her warm.
“Hey,” She slightly smiled.
I sighed, puffing out smoke before I replied to her.
“Hi,” I nodded. “What are you doing awake?”
The girl shrugged.
“I couldn’t exactly sleep, what’s your excuse?”
“The same,” I shrugged.
“So you opted to come out here and smoke?” She nearly laughed.
I returned a playful smile.
“Something like that…” I paused. “I haven’t really seen you around in a while, Blondie.”
“I’ve been trying to keep my distance,”
“Why?”
The simple question just made the blonde girl shrug. Though, I knew that she was really thinking. I could see the gears turning in her head as she picked apart what she could really say in front of me. I hated that. I wanted nothing more than for someone to be honest with me. I can’t stand while people hid part of the truth from me just because they think I can’t handle the entire thing.
“It’s hard…ya know? Seeing you and Asher…like that. You’re so…happy, and couple-like.” She tried her best to explain. “I feel guilty a lot.”
“What have you to feel guilty about?” I laughed. “You haven’t really hung out with us in the past two months.”
“I feel guilty because part of me hates you,” She smiled sadly. “I shouldn’t really, Asher’s been gay for some time now, but I can’t help it. Part of me really wants you out of the picture. I guess that’s pretty selfish of me, huh? I really want things to go back to normal between everyone. I want to be able to pretend that nothing is wrong…like nothing is bothering me.”
“But you can’t.” I finished for her before flicking the cigarette to the cold, snow-covered ground.
“Exactly,” Izzy breathed out. “It’s easier for everyone if I’m just not around.”
“That’s pretty selfish of you,” I admitted.
“Excuse me?”
“Did you think about how Asher would feel about this?” I questioned. “Do you think that it doesn’t bother the hell out of him that you’re not around?”
“Surely he understands. Take everything from my point of view, Stryker. It’s fucking hard to see the person you love loving someone else.” She shook her head.
I chewed on my bottom lip, trying to see things her way. I guess she really does have a point. It was painful watching Asher with that douche he brought to the party all those months ago. I wouldn’t admit it until recently, but that one stung a lot. I never want to see him holding hands with anyone else that wasn’t me. It’s not fair to want that, but I can’t help it.
“Okay…” I sighed. “I think I get it.”
“The two of you look so happy. You don’t even notice other people whenever you’re together. It’s just the two of you, in your own little world. I haven’t seen that kind of connection in a long time. Your relationship is so different. You can have a conversation just with your eyes. People don’t form those types of bonds often.”
I nodded, agreeing with everything that the girl was laying out there for me to hear.
“He means a lot to me,”
“Then keep him safe.” She sighed heavily. “Hold him tight, and don’t you ever fucking let him go. He deserves the world given to him. He doesn’t need that kind of heart break. Asher’s a lot more fragile than he looks. When he falls for someone, he falls hard. He’s been in love with you for years, Stryker. He will never admit it, but I could just tell.” She chewed on her lip for a second. “I told you to not let him go a while back…but I can’t help but stress that enough. Do you really know what sucks the most about this all?”
“No…”
“Finding out that he’s my Prince Charming, but I will never been his Cinderella.”
I wrapped my arms around the girl in a tight hug. I thought that she would reject it instantly, but she didn’t. Izzy wrapped her arms around me tightly. I really had no idea what to say. I knew that it still bothered her. I guess in some ways, talking to me about it made everything a little more clear in her eyes.
“I want to keep him for as long as I can,” I let out a shaky breathe I didn’t realize that I had been holding. We pulled away from each other. “He’s way too good for me. We all know that,”
“Oh course he is…he’s Asher Blake.” She playfully stated before her face went back to the somber look she had before. “I should be getting back.”
“Yeah, me too,” I nodded my head.
“Be good to him,”
“I will,” I replied before turning around to walk back onto their porch.
When the warm heat hit me inside of the Blake house, I let out a small shiver. I hung my boyfriend’s pea coat back up, and slipped off the shoes I put on half-way. The stairs made no noise as I rushed back up them to get to the boy I left sleeping, the boy who seemed to not have a care in the world at the moment. When I slowly pushed open the door to come back in, I saw him stir. I easily removed the sleep pants I put on, and tucked the pack of death sticks back in a drawer.
“Where did you go?” He mumbled tiredly.
“Don’t worry about it,” I replied, slipping into the bed.
“Mmkay.” He mumbled back, welcoming me into the bed.
As soon as my head hit the pillow, the boy wrapped his arm around me. He was still lying on his back, and he was breathing a little easier. I don’t really know how long I laid there, just concentrating on his breathing, but it didn’t feel all that long. I let my hands slowly trace the outline of his face, and I smiled when I saw that he fell asleep with his necklace on that I got him for his birthday.
I wrapped my arm around the boy’s waist, holding onto him tightly. A sleeping Asher hugged me closer to his chest, and nuzzled his head in my hair. I felt my heart start to go a little crazy. He always made me feel that way, no matter what. I couldn’t call it anything, other than love. Love only made sense. I knew this, as did he. It was love. That’s the reason why we’ve lasted this long and hopefully longer. We love each other more than two teenagers probably should at his age.
Izzy’s words rang into my brain. It has been way to long without simple contact from the girl. Asher didn’t seem to act any different about it. He said that all he needed was me. Was that statement true? Some part of me prays that it isn’t. I now my track record; it speaks for itself. I’m not good with relationships. No matter what type of relationship it is, everything starts off great. Although, it eventually ends up fucked in the end; all because I’m a simple part of the equation. It’s not fair.
“I can’t loose you,” I simply whispered to the boy beside him. I rand my thumb over his cheek softly, but he didn’t move. Only a slight smile appeared on his face. I didn’t realize that I had been begging to say those words for quite some time now. I needed to admit them out loud, even if he was sleeping. I’m more terrified than I let on.
I didn’t realize how broken my voice sounded until I felt my heart start to pound. Tears started to well up in my eyes, but I willed them away. I wouldn’t cry over something like this. If I cry, I’m giving up on us. I refuse to give up until the day that Asher doesn’t want me anymore. Cause let’s face it, I’m sticking around because he loves me. If he ever decided that he wanted someone else, so be it. I would just get up and walk away. If he doesn’t want me, then I would go freely.
I just want him to be happy, but that might end up breaking me.