Almost Lover

I’m mentally freaking out right now. I was just sitting in my room by myself, waiting for Asher to show up, but my mind just can’t stop over-thinking! I don’t know what in the fuck we are or if we are actually a we? That doesn’t really make sense, but none of this does. A week ago, if you told me I’d be sitting in my room freaking out over my best friend, I’d laugh in your fucking face. Except, Asher’s not just my best friend…he’s so much more than that. He means more to me, and part of me believes that he always has.
I’m probably over-thinking everything. I want to be okay with being seen in public with Asher. I want to hold his hand, and smile at how fucking cute he is when he’s pissed at something. I do want to tell people that he’s mine, if he ever becomes mine, and be one hundred percent okay with it. But, I can’t. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with being with Asher. He’s a dude. I’m a dude. That’s just fucked up. It’s probably my pride talking, but I’m a male. It’s wrong to like other guys. I’ve always really thought that way. I’m okay with Asher liking guys, but me? Not so much. I’m not ready to set my pride aside.
“Stryker! Asher’s here, honey!” My mom called from downstairs.
“Okay!” I yelled back. I stood up from my bed, and I pushed some dirty clothes in my closet in attempt to hide them. I shook my head, and realized how much of a girl I was being. I stopped what I was doing, and plopped back down on my bed with a skate boarding magazine. I don’t have to straighten up this place. It’s Asher. He’s seen it at its worst. Hell, he’s even helped make the messes a couple dozen times.
About a minute later, Asher was in my doorway. He stood there and smiled over in my direction. It wasn’t our usual smirk’s, but a genuine smile. I sat my magazine aside, and stood up. In seconds, he closed the door, and walked closer to me. I reached for the blonde, and crashed my lips against him. I really liked kissing him. His lips were intoxicating already. I smiled, and we pulled away with a light pop.
“I missed you,” He laughed.
“Me too,” I agreed. “I was beginning to get bored to death,”
He rolled his eyes.
“Well you lived, didn’t you?”
“Yupp. I’m still kickin,” I joked. “What do you want to do?”
“I dunno,” He smirked.
It was my turn to roll my eyes.
“You’re a horny fucker.”
Asher laughed at me.
“No…”
“Yes,” I nodded my head. “But hey, I am too.”
Asher cupped my face in his hands, and leaned down a little bit to kiss me again. Our lips molded together one more time before pulling apart.
“I really like doing that.”
“I do too,” I laughed.
“I hate to get all serious all of sudden, but I really think that we should talk about earlier today,” He said, his smile fading.
“Shoot,” I shrugged, plopping down on my bed.
“Stryker, I want to be with you. I’ve said this a thousand times already.”
“I know, but I just need time,” I begged.
“You’ve said that over and over again. I just get fucking frustrated that you can’t make up your mind.” He replied. “God, I want to wait for you, I do. I want to wait for you more than anything, but part of me knows that you’ll never be okay with what we have. I know you, Stryker. I know you inside and out, and you have a fucking pride issue. If you can’t handle us, ever, I need you to tell me now before I get into this any deeper than I already am.”
I chewed on my bottom lip, and I reached for him. Asher latched our hands together quickly, and moved so that he was sitting right next to me with my hand in his. I stared at him, and I could tell that this thing is eating at him. I guess it’s equally as hard for him as it is for me. Sure, I don’t have to deal with a douche in denial that’s dating a girl for cover-up, but it’s hard.
“I want you, Asher.” I stated. “I want to be okay with us, but I don’t fucking know if that will ever happen with us. I just…I’m confused! I’m…it’s like I have no idea who I am anymore. I thought I knew who I was, but I have no fucking clue. I don’t know who I am. I don’t know who in the hell I want to be. Fuck, I don’t even now what I’m doing next week.”
Asher almost laughed.
“Why can’t this be easier?” He asked.
I shrugged.
“I don’t know…” I answered honestly. I leaned over and kissed him quickly. “I’m not ready. I’m just not.”
“Well how about we just nip this thing in the bud? How about that?” Asher asked me. “It’s up to you, Stryker.”
“I don’t want to ‘nip it in the bud’. I want it to fucking blossom,”
“Then come out.” Asher stated. “I’m sorry I’m being pushy.”
“I’m sorry that I’m being a lame ass.”
“You wouldn’t be Stryker if you weren’t.” He stated. “I just really hope you choose me. It might get bad if you don’t.”
“I thought that you want me to be happy with whatever I choose?” I asked.
“But you know how I am,” He replied.
That’s true. Asher doesn’t exactly handle rejection well at all. He never has. When I refused to give up my crayon, he ripped up my drawling in Kindergarten. I ended up punching him, resulting in my first time-out. I’ve been a little bad kid since I was three. I think I get it from my dad, but I never knew my dad, so I wouldn’t know for sure or not.
“Boys?” Asher and I jumped as far apart as we could fucking get seconds before my mom entered the room. “I’m letting you know that I’m leaving, okay?”
I laughed nervously.
“Thanks, mom.”
“Stryker Andrew Sutton, what is wrong with you?” She asked.
“Porn!” Asher nearly shouted.
My furrowed her brows.
“What?” She laughed. “Asher honey, you’re gay.”
He rolled his eyes.
“Thanks for the update, Shelly, but no…I brought Stryker some porn that uh…came to my house by accident. You know how he get embarrassed by boobs.” Asher lied.
My mom rolled her eyes.
“Have fun boys. Stryker, don’t get too excited now.”
“Mom!” I groaned, falling back onto the bed. I covered my face with my hands. She laughed, called a quick ‘I love you’, and she was gone from the house. The second she got into her car, Asher started laughing. “Shut up! It’s not funny.”
“It really is.” He chuckled. I felt the bed shift, and then Asher’s hands prying my hands off of my face. He was hovering over me closely. His hands now rested on either side of my face, and he was pretty close. “I’m sorry that I embarrassed you.”
“Doesn’t fucking matter,” I huffed.
Asher smirked.
“I bet I could get you excited.”
“Oh no…put that smirk away, Ash. I know what you’re thinking. Hell no,”
“Are you sure?” He asked me, ghosting his lips over my own. I didn’t say anything, but I took a deep breath in. I lifted my chin just a centimeter, enough to meet his lips with mine. In a matter or seconds, our lips were tangled and moving together. Asher’s tongue licked the bottom on my lip, begging for entrance. I easily gave up the fight, and let his muscle invade my mouth. I enjoyed every minute of feeling his tongue pressing against mine. When he pulled away, I whimpered, but that was replaced quickly when he pressed his lips to my neck. My eyes opened before he pressed his lips down again, staying this time. I reached up and tangled my right hand in his dirty blonde hair. My eyes fell shut, and throaty moan came out of no where. I almost started to freak out and tell him to stop when his lips met mine again. I wrapped my arm around his neck, and brought us closer together.
It all stopped when our hips met. I felt just how turned on Asher was. I was embarrassed to say that I was equally just as excited as he was. It scared the fuck out of me. I pulled my lips from his in a quick motion, causing him to whine in protest.
“Ash…Asher, stop.”
He rested his head against mine.
“S-sorry,” He slightly stuttered.
“It’s fine.” I whispered back. He awkwardly crawled off of me, and I continued to lay down. I felt his eyes roamed my disheveled body, and I felt a little more embarrassed about the more-than-noticeable problem in my jeans.
“I…uh…my jeans are reallyfucking tight.”
“Go on ahead.” I breathe, and he jumped up off of my bed, and rushed toward the bathroom. “Shit!” I hissed. Maybe giving my best friend the bathroom wasn’t the brightest idea, but I couldn’t exactly think. I decided to get up and go downstairs to my mother’s bathroom. My cheeks were still flushed, and when I thought about what Asher caused, I blushed even more.
After I had fixed my…problem, I made it back up to my bedroom. When I got back up there, Asher was messing around with my PS3. He was playing some video game, and I didn’t find important enough to check which one it was. He was acting so casual about everything. I don’t know how! We just…I fucking…wow. I can’t think about it. Whatever it was it was not waiting. That was intense. I didn’t want him to stop at all, but something told me that we needed too.
“Go ahead, voice your thoughts. You’re freaking out over there.”
“Of course I’m fucking freaking out! Do you not know what just happened?!”
“Yes, STryk. I know what just happened, I’m just not being weird about it.”
“How could I not be weird about it?! That was really weird.”
“Thanks.” He rolled his eyes sarcastically.
“You know I didn’t mean it like that…” I groaned. “I just didn’t expect that, okay?”
Asher nodded.
“I’m sorry. It was my fault. I just got a little carried away with everything. I didn’t mean too.”
I smiled.
“It’s fine. Now at least I know that you’re really attracted to me,”
“The same goes for you. You might not be able to admit it, but you definitely want me, babe.” Asher winked.
I shook my head, and rested my body against him while he went on a killing spree. My mind was still in some sort of sexual haze. I still couldn’t concentrate.

♥

Party’s are literally where I thrive. Good or bad, I’m always the center of attention. Girls are usually all over me, and I would be in heaven. In my drunken haze, dry humping some random person was okay with me. I didn’t think about the other people that it would bother. I didn’t know that sleeping with a random person wouldn’t be as satisfying as I had hopped. I didn’t realize that my fake girlfriend would be disappointed or that my sort-of more-than best friend would get pissed.
None of those thoughts went through my head last night, and now I regret not staying in with Asher. He had his family thing to go to last night, and wanted me to come over afterward, but this party was what was calling me. Asher never voiced his worries, but I knew that he would be pissed if something happened. I promised myself that I wouldn’t let it get that out of hand. I promised that I wouldn’t drink, but you know how that goes. Everyone else was having such a good time, so I wanted to have some fun to.
Fun only leads to trouble with me. I should learn that by now. I should really learn a lot of things by now, but I haven’t yet. I seem to make the same mistakes over again. Either that or I just always find a way to mess up. I mean, I didn’t have to drink that was a choice, and I chose wrong. If I could go back, I definitely would. Maybe that way, I wouldn’t have woken up to a random chick. Trust me when I saw that, it’s never fun, especially when that girl said it was the best night ever the next day. Yeah, I’m that screwed. I promised to call her later, which was a complete lie. I never call them back, and I definitely won’t now. So I went home and slept all day yesterday. I had some missed calls from Asher that I didn’t feel like returning.
I got up semi-late this morning, and got a quick shower. I blow dried my hair and straightened it. I found some blue jean skinny jeans, and a simple blue t-shirt. I slid both on with my converse, and a hoodie. I ran out of my house with my bags as quickly as I could. I really need to talk to Asher before he finds out what happened at that party from someone else. I got to my car, and I drove as quickly as I could to the school without getting pulled over.
“What did I miss?” I questioned as soon as I got to my group of friends.
Chad laughed.
“Asher is having one of those mornings.”
I groaned.
“Fantastic.” I replied sarcastically.
“Your girlfriend doesn’t look too happy either,” Taylor commented, nodding toward Kaylie coming down the halls.
I made a face, and I was being drug off in the opposite direction. I didn’t even have time to protest before she came up.
“What in the hell is wrong with you, Stryker?!” She yelled, making other people turn and look at us.
“Sh! People can hear you, Kaylie!” I hissed.
“So? I’ll let everyone know what an unfaithful pig you are!” She smacked my arm.
“Ow!” I stated. “That seriously hurt. Can we please talk about this without you attacking me?!”
“Okay,” She nodded, calming down. “I’m more pissed for Asher than I am. When he found out from Izzy this morning, I thought all Hell was going to let loose. He looked so fucking pissed. He blamed it on being sex deprived…again.”
I shook my head.
“Shit.”
“Listen, I know that I’m your ‘girlfriend’ and all, but you’ve got to talk to him, okay?”
“He’s going to fucking hurt me!” I stated. “Do you think that I honestly meant to sleep with some random girl? I didn’t. I just had a little too much to drink, and happened to not care what went down afterwards.”
“You are single handedly screwing yourself over…again,” She remarked.
“I know, I know,” I huffed, running a hand through my hair. “I don’t want to talk to him just yet. He’ll pumble me.”
“I thought that he likes you?” She furrowed her brows.
“He’ll kick my ass across the entire damn campus before anything else.” I stated. “I know Asher. He’s a guy first, and he acts like a guy.”
“So do you,” She pointed out. “Although, this is a little girlish,”
I rolled my eyes.
“Fuck you,”
“You already have,” Kaylie winked, but then she slapped my arm. “You need to fix this, stupid.”
“I know…” I nodded. “What if he won’t listen?”
“Then it’s your own damn fault.” She shrugged. “You shouldn’t have been to that party, Stryker. You ended up hurting Asher. I know that it killed him when he found out. I could just tell. I honestly don’t know how the rest of them haven’t found out about the two of you. It’s painfully obvious,”
I looked around the halls.
“After today, I don’t know if their will be an ‘us’. Asher mad himself pretty clear when he said that he wanted to be an us. I’m just not really ready.”
“You kept claiming that you’re not ready, but in reality, I think that you’re just too prideful.”
“Is that really a difference?” I huffed.
“Oh, yeah.” Kaylie smiled. “Don’t avoid him too long, okay? He probably really needs to talk about this. It affects him as much as it does you,”
I nodded and watched the blue-eyed beauty walk away from me. People around us probably thought that we were having some kind of relationship argument or something like that.

We really need to talk fucker. I have a whole hell of a lot to say.

I groaned.

We’ll talk later, I promise.
When? I don’t know if you know this but it’s pretty important. Not like this ‘thing’ between us matters to you or anything.
You’re acting like a girl, Ash. Chill. We’ll talk.

I huffed and slid my phone in my pocked.
Kids, NEVER go against someone you really care about and drink anyway. It only leads to trouble.