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Almost Lover

Goodbye My Almost Lover

You know those moments when you really realize that everything is fucked up? Like when you hit that revelation that someone will never be right for because you’re too similar yet too different? You know that split second that it takes for your heart to shatter? It’s not the best feeling in the entire world. In fact, it hurts like hell when you figure out that doing the right thing isn’t exactly the easiest on your heart.
When I heard about what Stryker did, it felt like someone hit me with a Mac truck. It really fucking hurt. I had somehow grown attached to Stryker more than I was before. Normally he would be the one attached to me, not the other way around. I don’t really understand why it’s hurting me. It’s not like I’m love with Stryker. I just guess I care about him a lot. He is my best friend, and I really don’t want to loose him over this. Something tells me that we’ll never be the same after this. I could never be his friend again.
I hurried up and bound up his stairs after his mom let me in. I didn’t even think about knocking when I pushed his door open. He was reading that same skateboarding magazine as he was Friday. I nearly slammed the door behind me. Stryker looked slightly confused, but he put the magazine down. He stood up and looked at me. I reached over, and kissed him roughly before pulling away.

“We’re done.” I stated as I moved back away from him.
Stryker stepped forward.
“Come on, you know how I am! I didn’t mean to!”
“That doesn’t change the fact that you slept with her, Stryk.” I huffed. “I knew that going to that fucking party was a bad idea for you. You promised me that you wouldn’t drink! You knew that it would happen if you went.”
“No I didn’t!” He yelled back. “I didn’t mean to do it! I didn’t know that it would happen.”
I shook my head in anger.
“It still happened!” I yelled. “And its worse that you didn’t even tell me after it happened,”
“Because I knew that you would react like this! I have other people to consider in this too, Asher!”
“The only person’s feelings you are considering are yours!” I shook my head. “If you really don’t want to be with me, all you had to do was tell me, jackass. I can’t be ‘with’ you if you’re always going to act like this.” Stryker was silent. I was huffing from yelling at him so much. I closed my eyes for a second before opening them again. My eyes searched Stryker’s. His blue eyes looked unbelievably sad. He looked hurt, but in the moment, I almost didn’t care. The silence was killing me. I didn’t think I would ever feel like this toward my best friend. We weren’t supposed to end up like this. “This…uh…we need to end it.”
His face dropped.
“Asher…come on…” He begged. “We can…still try?”
“Not until you’re ready to accept yourself, Stryker.” I gave a dry laugh. “I can’t let myself be with you…okay?”
“Why can’t you just wait? Please?”
“Stop that,” I begged. “You know that I can’t stand when people beg me,”
Stryker almost smiled.
“You can be a pushover,” He replied.
I almost laughed.
“I thought that maybe I could wait long enough, but…you’re making it really hard on me. We just need a few days apart, okay?”
“Yeah,” He mumbled. I walked closer to him. I pressed my lips to his lightly before I turned around, and started toward his bedroom door. “Call me?”
“No,” I replied before I walked out of the door and rushed down the stairs.
“Asher, honey, is everything okay?” Shelly asked me.
I shook my head.
“No, it’s not.”
“I heard yelling. What’s going on?”
“Ask Stryker.” I replied before I ran out of the door.
I walked quickly back down the street to my house. Instead of going to my house, I walked right over to Izzy’s. I knocked on her front door twice before her dad answered.
“Hey, Asher.”
“Hi, Chris,” I replied with a small smile. “Is Isabella home?”
“She’s in her room,” He smiled before he backed out of the door so that I could run up the stairs. She was standing at the top of them already.
“Ya know…you don’t have to call me by my first name to my dad.” She stated.
I rolled my eyes and wrapped her in a hug.
“He told me to,” I replied. “Can we just hang out? I need a best friend day.”
“Sure,” She replied. I let go of her, and she lead the way to her room. We got inside her room, and I sat down on her bed with a sigh.
“Be sure to keep the door open!” Her dad called.
“Asher’s gay!” She yelled back, causing her dad to laugh. He walked away, and I looked at Izzy. “He’s so stupid sometimes. So, what’s up?” She smiled.
“A whole lot of shit,” I mumbled.
“Tell me about it?” Izzy smiled.
“I will, but not all of it.” I replied. “I’m having boy troubles.”
“Me and you both,” She huffed. “What’s going on with this weird Dylan and other boy thing?”
“I broke it off with Dylan, because I actually care about this other guy. He’s just too stupid to realize that he’s killing me.”
“Do I know this guy?”
“No,” I replied.
I couldn’t tell her that this guy was Stryker. That would just make everything weird. Izzy is one of my best friends, but I can’t tell her this. I just can’t. I don’t want anyone else to know that he hurt me. I don’t want our other friends to be awkward around us.
“What can I help you with?” She smiled slightly.
“Can you just…I don’t know,” I sighed. I lead back on her bed, and I closed my eyes.
“Did you really care about him?”
“I think that I really did, Iz. I don’t understand how, but I got attached.”
“Maybe you should be talking to Stryker about this? He’s a guy. Maybe he can help you figured these feelings out?”
I scoffed.
“You know how he is. He would freak out. I can’t go to him,” I replied swiftly.
“Yeah…well…” She trailed off before laying down beside me. “He’s Stryker though. He’s always made you feel better about situations.”
I smiled slightly.
“I know,”
“He’s always been there for you, even with all of the bullshit you put him through.” Izzy replied.
“I haven’t put him through that much…” I trialed off.
My mind was running crazy. I wanted more than anything to please Izzy and agree to talk to Stryker. I wanted to make Stryker happy by waiting. I wanted to please them both, but it’s one of those situations where I have to think of myself. Despite my sarcastic attitude, I can be a major pushover. I just want everyone around me to be happy, and if I can change their mood, I will in a heartbeat. I want to run back to Stryker, I do, really. It’s just not that simple. I really wish that it was simple. But it’s not easy. Nothing ever is.
“He has always been there for you, no matter what, Ash. You know that he won’t judge you. You know that you can trust him. He was the first person you came out to. That’s pretty powerful friendship right there.” She exclaimed.
I huffed, and looked over at her.
“Can we please watch a Disney classic now?” I asked, nearly pouting.
Izzy’s face light up.
“YAY! You’re finally showing your gay side!”
“Shut the hell up. I don’t have to show it to know that I am.” I huffed, acting like a little bitch.
“Aweeeeeee.” She cooed. “It’s okay, Asher. I’m just messin.”
“Well stop it.” I stated.
Izzy rolled her eyes and jumped off of the bed to her beloved Disney collection. She picked out The Black Caldron, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty for us to watch. I agreed, and cuddled up to another best friend whil some of my favorite movies played. I just couldn’t concentrate on any of them. My mind was still going haywire. It seems like all I could think about it Stryker. Is that normal? Do people normally think about one person all of the time? I wouldn’t know. I haven’t genuinely liked someone in a really long time. I guess I forgot what it was like. I knew that liking him would be a risk.

I’ve been staring at my ceiling for the past thirty minutes. I can’t move. I’m honestly dreading going anywhere today. I’ve successfully avoided him for the past two days, and it’s killing me. It sucks that I lost a almost boyfriend and my very best friend at the exact same time. I can’t avoid him forever, that’s just the way that it is. I would happy if he moved towns and just let me be. That would never happen though. Do I miss Stryker? Like Hell. Do I want to take him back? Fuck yes. Do I regret ‘breaking things off’ with him? I’m definitely starting too.
I got up from my bed, and eventually started to get ready. I didn’t work so much on my outer appearance as I normally do. After my shower, I slipped on a pair of jeans, some Nike’s, a red v-neck, and my zip up hoodie. I didn’t even straighten my hair this morning, so the curly/wavy-ness was really showing today. I decided to change out my plugs in my ears. I put in some black tunnels, and I decided that I was ready. I ran down the stairs, and into the kitchen. My dad was at work, and my mom must still be asleep. I didn’t really feel like waking her up so I grabbed a granola bar, and I headed for the door.
Izzy didn’t come over today, which I found odd. Normally the girl is beating on my door to wake me up, but this morning she didn’t. I figured she was sick, or over-slept. I didn’t care which, so I went ahead and got into my car to leave. As soon as I got to school, people started to stare at me. I don’t normally leave my hair natural, but dammit I wanted to today. I guess people know how much of a hair freak I am. It’s my favorite thing about me.
“What happened to you?” Seth joked lightly.
“Nothing,” I shrugged. “What happened to your face?”
Seth rolled his eyes.
“Nice to see that you’re on your period,”
“Leave him alone,” Kaylie teased Seth a little bit. “Asher looks better than half the school’s population ever will.”
“Thanks,” I muttered.
“There’s that best friend of mine!” Stryker called out.
It had to be him. I knew his voice anywhere. My guess was confirmed when that familiar arm wrapped around my shoulders. “Where have you been, pookie?”
I looked at him like he was crazy. Where in the fuck has his head been? What happened between us is gone now.
“Are you high?” I asked, shrugging off his arm.
“No.” He forced a laugh that only I could tell was fake. “I can’t miss my best friend that I felt like I haven’t seen in ages?”
I was about to reply when Kaylie did.
“Stryker…um…I don’t think that he’s in the mood to be messed with this morning.” She stated calmly.
Stryker gave me this look, and shook his head.
“No need to be a dick about it,” Chad laughed. “Seriously, what’s going on with the two of you? You’re fighting more than a old, married couple.”
“I’m just done with his childish attitude.” I shrugged. “Everything isn’t always a game,”
“I think I know that, Asher.”
“Do you really? Because it seems like you fucking don’t.”
“I do.” He defended. “You’re just a fucking prick.”
“What else is new?” I rolled my eyes. “I’m a sarcastic dick, I understand this.”
“Then stop acting like one.” He shrugged.
“Guys! Seriously!” Taylor huffed. “Kaylie, you get Stryker. Asher, you’re coming with me.”
We groaned, and the girls took us away from the rest of our friends. She took me to the part of the hall that rarely anyone stood simply for the fact that it wasn’t considered the ‘cool’ place to stand. I don’t fucking know, but it’s bullshit if you ask me. Thankfully for us though, cause I know how Taylor can be. She’s brutal.
“What?” I asked after a minute of her just staring at me.
“Tell me what’s going on between the two of you, right now.” She crossed her arms under her chest.
“He’s so fucking immature.” I groaned. “It’s like one hard thing comes along, and it would kill him to do that.”
“Mmmhmm,” She nodded.
“He’s acting like everything can go back to normal, when it clearly can’t! I don’t understand why he’s acting so casual when I’ve been avoiding him for two days. I don’t want to see him. I want to stay away from him in every possible way.”
Taylor uncrossed her arms. She placed a hand on my arm, sort of in comfort.
“Why do you need to do that?”
“He makes me madder when I see him! It’s like my brain reduces to some freaking girl brain every time I see him! Then I want to kick his pretty face in. He’s a douche bag. I really can’t stand him, Tay. The way he smiles at me makes me feel all weird inside even if it is over. I swear, I hate him sometimes, but I hate him even more now that it’s over.” Taylor’s mouth dropped. She didn’t say anything else, but she stared at me with that expression. “Taylor?”
She closed her mouth and stared at me.
“What’s over?”
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“In that rant, you said that you hate him, but you hate him even more now that it’s over.”
I coughed.
“Yeah, our friendship…”
Taylor shook her head.
“What about his pretty face?” She smirked.
“Taylor…stop this right now.”
“No, Asher. I do believe that you have something to tell me. Now spill.”
“I can’t,” I shook my head. “You don’t understand how complicated this whole thing is.”
“Tell me about it. We have forty-five minutes until the bell rings.” She shrugged. The smaller girl sat down against the lockers on the floor. I sighed and took a seat next to her. “So what really is going on here?”
“Stryker and I had a thing,” I replied honestly.
“Get out!” She smiled. “What happened then?”
“Well, he had come to the terms that he’s gay, but he’s not ready to come out of the closet. I told him that I would wait, but you know how I get with waiting. This has been going on for a couple of weeks prior. We’ve just kind of been together, ya know? I actually liked him, Tay. I broke things off with Dylan for him. That’s sex that I’m not having for my best friend. Think about that one.”
Taylor smiled.
“That’s a big thing for you, Ash.” She replied.
“Exactly, and I’ve somehow developed these feelings for him. I really wanted to be with him, Taylor. He’s Stryker, so I thought that he wouldn’t hurt me. I figured that we maybe could definitely make something out of this, but it’s gone wrong. Something just isn’t working out with us. I want to be with him,”
Taylor laid her head on my shoulder.
“Asher, you’ve got yourself in a situation.”
“I know that I do,” I replied. “I probably shouldn’t be telling you this anyways. I should’ve probably talked to Izzy about it.”
“I’m glad that you told me instead.” She answered.
“What do you think that I should do?”
“I think that you and Stryker need to work this out. I think that you guys both need to come to terms with a few things. Styker needs to come to terms with his sexuality, and you need to realize that you can’t always get your way, babe.” She stated, patting my leg.
“You’re a great listener.” I sighed. “Want to hang out later? You can be my new gay side.” I joked.
Taylor rolled her eyes.
“I’d love to be your new gay side.”
“Thanks, Tay.” I replied before I sighed. “What do I do next?”
“Talk to him, Ash. If you want to be with him this much, and from the looks of it he wants to be with you to, then be together. You guys seem to have something special.”
“I’ll talk to him later,” I sighed.
“Oh and Asher?”
“I think you need to stop depending on Izzy so much. That girl still had it bad for you, and you don’t even realize it.”
I laughed.
“I won’t depend on her as much. She’s just got to realize that I’m gay.”
“She has, but for some reason, she still has it bad.”
“We’ll fix that later. Want to go shopping with me?”
Taylor laughed.
“Yeah, I need some r and r.”
“Me and you both,”
Thank God for Taylor. She’s the best.
♠ ♠ ♠
I hate hurting my wittle Asher. </3

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xoxo Rae