Love is a Luxury

John looked at me like I had just kicked a puppy. Like he couldn’t believe I just asked for a drink. I was waiting for him to ask the question though. Ask why I’m drinking now, but I wouldn’t go to the bar on the first week tour started. But he didn’t. Instead, he just continued to give me the same look.

Serena returned with the clear glass bottle full of Corona. I twisted off the lid and took a long drink. I stopped, took a breath, and then took another drink. I continued this until it was gone

“It was the fireworks, wasn’t it?” Serena asked. I only nodded, toying with the empty bottle in my hands.

“I think I’m missing something,” John stated.

“You are,” I replied. He looked at me, confused. I took a deep breath and thought back to that night almost two years ago. “I don’t like loud noises like that because… because Robbie called me right before he killed his self. He told me what was going on, and I tried so hard to talk him out of it while I ran to his house, but he… he just wouldn’t listen. And that’s when he did it. I ran even harder if it was possible to his house, hoping maybe he just shot his floor. Anything but himself, but I got my hopes up too high. It’s the worst feeling in the world to see someone you love like that.” By that time I had set the bottle down and I was holding onto my music note necklace.

“He gave this to me the night before, and told me to wear it everyday, just to keep him close my heart. I never leave it off more than an hour. I should’ve taken it as a sign that something like this was going to happen, but I didn’t. It’s my fault. I could’ve fucking helped him, but I couldn’t.” I was now crying once again and Serena was beside me once again, rubbing my back and trying to soothe me. John was on the other side of me, with his hand on my knee.

“Can I have an anti-depressant?” I asked Serena.

“No, Honey. Not right now, in an hour though, when the beer wears off.” I nodded and lied down in the bunk.

“Will you stay with me?”

“Of course,” she replied.

“What should I do?” John asked.

“Will you sleep on the couch, just in case I need you?” I asked him. He gave a small nod. Serena got up, and I assumed she was getting a pillow and blanket for him. While she was getting him squared away in the front lounge, I crawled under the covers and faced the wall. I turned on my iPod, put on some John Mayer and tried my damnedest to fall asleep. When I finally did, I wish I never would have.

Taking Back Sunday’s Make Damn Sure was playing on my ringtone, signaling it was Robbie. “Hey Lovely,” I smiled, skipping around the yard.

“Olivia,” he choked out, making me start towards his house three blocks away. “I need help.”

“I’m on my way, don’t do anything stupid,” I put it on speaker phone, shoving it in my bra and starting running.

“I don’t wanna do this anymore. I hate it here, Olivia,” he sobbed. “I’m just tired of life.”

“Robbie, I’m on the way, just please, calm down. Meet me in your yard,” I was still running. Two more blocks.

“I can’t. I just, can’t. They hate me, and I know they do. If they loved me, I wouldn’t be like this. I wouldn’t be sitting with a loaded gun in my hand.” One more block. “Olivia, I’m so sorry. I love you and always keep me in mind.” Then it happened. The loud bang of his daddy’s pistol.

“Oh, God,” I choked. I rushed into his yard, threw open the door and ran into his room. “Oh, God,” I repeated as I fell to the floor, sobbing. “Oh, God!” I screamed and crawled over to him. “Robbie!” I yelled, feeling for a pulse. “Robbie…” I cried even more when I couldn’t find one. “Wake up, you have to! You can’t leave me like this! Come on!” I screamed and tried to give him CPR.

Then I dialed those three numbers. “911, what’s you emergency?”

“My friend,” I cried.

“What happened to your friend, Sweetheart? Calm down.”

“He’s dead, he killed himself,” I squeaked.

“Help is on the way, please remain calm.”

With that, I jolted away and ran to the bathroom, where I released any type of contents that my stomach may have held into the toilet. Someone came in behind me and started rubbing my back as they held back my hair.

When I was done puking, I moved my head away from the porcelain bowl and laid it on the floor. I muttered a ‘thanks’ and received a ‘you’re welcome’ from John. “I’m sorry you have to see me like this.”

“Everyone has their imperfections and stories in their past. This is no different,” he kissed my forehead and picked me up off the floor. We sat on the couch together—my head in his lap as he played with my hair.

“Livy, are you all right?” Serena asked the darkness.

“I’m fine, I just had a nightmare and got sick,” I said.

“Do you need anything?”

“Has an hour gone by?”

“Yeah.”

“Can I have my meds now?”

“Course,” she replied. Soon, the light clicked on, and she was handing me the pill with a cup of water. I took the medication and lied back down in John’s lap.

This was going to be a long two weeks.