Like a Crash the Whole Thing Spun Out of Control

I avoided everyone as I stalked angrily across the venue towards Flight for Earths tour bus. I'd be in huge trouble with Simon about missing the meet-and-greet he'd set up for thirty minutes after our set. He'd even expressed how much he'd kill us all if we missed it, countless amounts of times, but I was just to emotionally unstable to put on a happy smile, and greet all of our fans with a friendly smile. I was too angry and hurt by Garrett. He'd broken my trust, and I was fuming about it.

As I wondered through the small crowds of people, someone called out my name. It couldn't have been a fan seeing as I was back stage, but it was female, so luckily for me it couldn't be Garrett, John or any of my band-mates. I mean, it could have been Caillen, but I couldn't be too sure.

"Harlow!" The voice was very familiar, and I suddenly recognised the voice as Cassadee Pope. I didn't really know Cassadee that well, so I pretended I hadn't heard her, and ducked down an alley between two tour buses. "Harlow-" As soon as I rounded the corner, I broke into a run, cutting off the rest of her sentence.

For some reason, the area around my bus was loaded with people. Apparently the guys from You Me At Six were having a little bit of a party, and unfortunately, they were parked behind us. I put my head down and walked quickly towards Flight for Earths bus and somehow, I made it through without being seen by anyone I knew. I let out a loud sigh of relief as the door shut with a soft thud behind me. If someone had of approached me, I probably would have punched them right in the face.

The first thing I did after falling back onto the lounge, was take out my phone and think of a good excuse to feed Simon about me not going to his meet-and-greet. I knew he'd be furious if I just said I was angry and couldn't handle fans at the moment, especially seeing as he'd told us all this morning he'd kill us if we missed it. He'd told us about ten thousand times. Each. He'd probably come back to the bus and drag me over by the hair.

Simon Brentorn.
Harlow, you have 5 minutes to get to the M&G. The guys want a monster each, can you grab them and bring them with you? Thanks.

I was angry. Furious. Completely livid with everyone and everything at this one moment in time, but for some reason, I just couldn't be angry with Simon. I couldn't take my issues out on him, he'd done so much for me. So I sat down and thought hard on an excuse that sounded real. Eventually I just became my inner fourteen year old trying to get out of school, and pretended that I was really sick. It always worked.

Harlow Bennett.
I'm really sorry Simo, but I'm feeling really sick. I think I'm going to have to miss out on the meet-and-greet. I apologise, because I know you really worked hard for this. Tell everyone that I'm sorry!! <3

I felt bad that I was lying, but I really couldn't go out there and face all of those people, with Garrett sitting in the back of my mind yelling at me and calling me names. I really couldn't. I'd go insane.

Simon Brentorn.
It's okay Harlow!! If you're sick, rest up. I'm sure everyone will understand. I'll bring you back something to eat and some water when we're done. Get some rest!!

Harlow Bennett.
Thanks Simo. I will!!

I tossed my phone across the middle of the bus to the lounge on the other side, and then got to my feet. I was going to go and get out of my sweaty day clothes, wash up a little bit, get into my PJ's and go to bed. Maybe when I get up in the morning, all of this would have been just a really bad dream.



I was wrong. When I woke up, yesterday had still happened. I could hear voices is the front lounge, and once I realised who it was, I froze and got a cold sweat. John was here. John was here and he was probably telling everyone what Garrett had told him the day before.

I mentally began preparing myself for Angus, Trent, Caillen and Simon to start yelling and getting angry. What I heard however, was the opposite. Angus and Trent were teasing Caillen, like they did every day and Simon was telling them to stop, and John was laughing at them.

"Harlow's been in bed for a fucking long time," Angus said suddenly. "She must really be sick, huh Simo?" He asked. "She was heading to bed before the meet-and-greet even happened and now it's like twelve-thirty."

"Yeah!" Caillen agreed. "Should we call a doctor?"

"No guys, she's probably just worn out from the tour already," Simon chuckled. "I'm sure it isn't something horrible." John cleared his throat awkwardly, making Harlow flinch from her bunk. "We'll just give her the day to get over it and she'll be good as new for tomorrow's show."

"Lucky for her today's an off day," Trent said seriously. "She'd be so bummed if she had to miss a set. Poor dudette."

"She so would," Angus agreed.

"She slept the whole ride here from Cali too, must be real sick. Should we wake her up Si?" Trent wondered. "She might over-sleep and my Ma always said that was a bad thing."

"Let her sleep."

"She's a little trooper, our Har," Angus said softly. I could just imagine him nodding his head, agreeing with himself. "She'll be good as, when she gets up I reckon." There was silence before Angus spoke up again. "Right, Trento, let's go and do some boarding with Zack from The Low bros."

"Right on," Trent agreed.

I listened to them get up and wonder around the bus grabbing their skateboards, their phones and sunglasses before they both left the bus, slamming the door shut loudly behind them. There was a moment of silence once again until Simon finally spoke up.

"Caillen, I was thinking you could teach some kids how to play bass at the merch tent?" He said. "I've had a heap of kids come up and ask me if you would be allowed to do that. Is it something you would like to do, or not? You can always say no."

"Come on then Sime, I think that's a fantastic idea!" Caillen replied enthusiastically.

"Are you gonna stay here John?" Simon wondered. "I don't think Har will be up for a long time yet, you could always come back later when she's awake."

"She'll probably be up soon," John chuckled humourlessly. "If I know Harlow Bennett, and I do, she'll be up within the hour. She rarely sleeps past noon."

"Well, okay," Simon said reluctantly. He was always a little bit weird leaving other people on our bus. Even though we knew most of them. He had some minor trust issues. He probably needed a therapist of something. "We'll see you later then."

"Bye John!" Caillen yelled, flouncing down the steps. He was so stereotypically gay, that it really wasn't very funny. "Tell Harlow I love her and I would totes turn hereto for her!"

John laughed loudly, and this time it wasn't a forced laugh either, Caillen had that sort of effect on most people when he wasn't being a complete prick. Basically he was either really, really funny or really, really, really bitchy. It was one or the other.

"I'll remember to do that for you Caillen."

The door swung shut behind them and then there was complete silence. I didn't move to get up from my bunk, I was hoping if I stayed in here long enough, he'd get bored and leave. He didn't get up either, so I gathered he was going to wait me out. I shouldn't have been surprised.

"I know you're awake Harlow," He said lowly. I stayed silent. "If you don't come out, I'm coming in." Still, I stayed silent, hoping he was just trying to call me out and wasn't really going to come into my bunk. "Alright, I'm coming in." And he did.

He kicked his shoes off and let them hit the floor with a thud, then he pulled my curtain open, rolled in and yanked it shut behind him. Still, I pretended I was sound asleep as he made himself completely at home in my bed. He literally wasn't leaving. He could wait out anything.

"Go away John," I murmured softly, finally opening my eyes and staring right into his nice green ones. He stared back, a mixture of fear, hurt and anger was set into the lines of his beautiful face. "I don't want you here."

"Is that it, or is it because of Garrett?" He asked. His voice was hoarse, that hoarseness that always made my knees go a little bit week. Now was no exception. "Because if you really want me to, I'll leave..." He trailed off, waiting for me to tell him to go again. When I didn't say anything, he sat up and began to leave.

"No, wait!"

He looked me dead in the eyes as he leant back, his arm instinctively wrapping itself around me and pulling me into him. "Talk to me Harlow, tell me what's going on."

"I can't."

"Why can't you?" He asked. He was hurt, I could tell by the way his voice sounded. "Why does Garrett know all of this stuff about you, and I don't? Am I that horrible as a friend that you can't even talk to me?" He asked sadly. "I know this isn't about me. It's about you. I just want to know why?"

"Why what, John?"

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" He whispered. "Why aren't you eating? Why are you making yourself sick? Garrett told me how he suspected it, and how he snuck around trying to get the truth out of you. He showed me the messages you sent him. Please explain what you're feeling to me Harlow."

"John I-"

"Please."

We stared into each others eyes for a long while. He rubbed his thumb up and down my back soothing me, and I held his face in my hands, just feeling him there. It was weird. I'd known John since I was in ninth grade, since I was fourteen years old. He and Garrett had always been my best-friends, Garrett more than John because to me, John was more. I always felt something more with John, and Garrett was always just my best-friend. Nothing more, nothing less.

My hands went back into his hair so he closed his eyes and leant forward to rest his forehead up against mine, our noses pressing together gently.

Finally, I worked up the courage to say something. "John, how do you feel about me?"

His eyes opened, and he stared at me in confusion. He wasn't sure what this question had to do with my currant predicament, and I kind of wasn't either. I was just curious.

"I don't understand," he whispered. "How does what I feel about you have anything to do with you being sick?" He asked. "Are you blaming me?"

"No! No I'm not!" I said quickly. "I was just curious."

"Oh," he nodded. "Right." There was silence as we stared once again into each others eyes. His arm moved from my shoulder, down to my waist, where he pulled my closer. "I'm not sure what I'm meant to feel."

"Doesn't matter what you're meant to feel John. How do you feel?"

"I- I don't know. I like you Harlow, I like you a lot. I just don't understand how that is relevant."

"It's not."

"Then, why?"

"I was just curious," I said again. "You want me to tell you why I'm sick?" He nodded slowly, pulling me closer still. "Okay. It all started with Aaron-"

"-This is his fault?" He asked, his face flashing red. A sign that the name was making him angry.

I placed a finger against his lips, shushing him. "Partly, yes. After that whole thing happened, I kind of felt worthless, you know? I felt like if a boy did that to me, then I really wasn't worthy of a real boy to like me. I felt ugly and dirty and gross and you weren't there for me to run to and-"

"So you're blaming me?" he cut me off. He was hurt by that and I felt bad.

"No, let me finish." He nodded slowly. "You weren't there for me to go to, and I couldn't go to Garrett, because he doesn't get those sorts of things. He would-"

"I think Garrett understands rape, Harlow."

"John, shut the fuck up and let me speak, damn it!" I exclaimed, glaring at him. "I'm not blaming you and I'm not saying that Garrett doesn't understand rape, okay? That's not what I'm getting at here. And would you please stop fucking cutting in?"

"What do you mean then?"

"Aaron Dawson raped me. Do you know what it feels like to be raped John?" He shook his head. "Exactly. You don't know what being forced into sexual relations does to you. I felt dirty. I felt ugly, like the only person I could ever get with, was someone who wasn't against getting his fill of sex by force. It wasn't about me, it was about the sex. I couldn't go to you for help, you weren't there. I mean, you hadn't even said goodbye to me, so I thought you were mad at me. Garrett wouldn't know how to handle that situation if it roundhouse kicked him in his face." John was silent. "I had all of this hate and sadness inside of me, and I didn't know how to release it without losing my mind. I'm terrible with pain, as you know, so I stuck my fingers down my throat, triggered my gag-reflex and threw up. It felt so amazing. I finally felt in charge of my body again John. Not useless, in charge."

"You're one of the strongest people I know, Harlow."

"Even the strongest people crumble sometimes John, it's the way of life." We were silent again, but I could still see the torment in his eyes. "I'm not blaming you John, or Garrett, or even Aaron. I'm sick because I initiated it. If I hadn't of stuck my fingers down there, I wouldn't have this addiction that I have."

"I fucking blame that asshole, Dawson," John said, suddenly very angry.

"It's over and done with now John, nothing we can do now."

"Nothing you can do maybe," he muttered under his breath. "There are a fucking ton of things I can still do." I rolled my eyes.



Four hours later, John and I were still in my bunk talking. He was trying to come up with ways to get me to start eating again. He was very sweet and so into helping me that I suddenly lurched forward, placing my lips against his. Surprisingly, he reacted just as I was hoping him to. He rolled over so that he was hovering over me, gently pressing his body against mine.

John gently ran his tongue against my bottom lip, and we both smiled as I opened my mouth and he began kneading my tongue with his own. The kiss was truly the most passionate kiss I had ever experienced in my life, and I could already feel my whole body heating up. I reached for the bottom of John's singlet, and began to yank it up over his head, letting it fall from my hand, not even caring when it fell out of the bunk to the floor, and returned to feeling his muscled skin under my fingers.

Suddenly, the bus door opened scaring me so much that I literally fell from the bunk and landed on the floor of the bus with a loud thump. Angus and Trent looked at me. They simultaneously crossed their arms across their chests, and grinned down at me.

"Well, well, well Trent," Angus chuckled. "Look what we have here. Oh and look!" He pointed at John's shirt, which I was half laying over. "Is that Mr. O's shirt I see? I'm pretty fucking sure he was wearing a shirt that looked exactly like that, this morning."

Trent leant forward and opened the curtain, laughing when he saw John staring sheepishly out. "Would ya look at that Angus, were Johno and our Harlow Bennett going to do the dirty?"

"I think so Trent!" Angus laughed. "Harlow you little sex-kitten!"

"Johno you big fucking sex-god!" Trent laughed.

"Get it, girl!" Angus applauded, pointing at me as he laughed. "Don't mind us though, we'll just be up the back playing halo if you need anything. Condoms are in my suitcase. Be safe kids!"

"Don't be silly, wrap your willy!" Trent yelled, pumping his arm in the air. "get some!" He hollared.

They both stepped over me as they made their way into the back lounge, still laughing, making jokes together and still making extremely obscene gestures at John and I. Angus winked suggestively at John as he went by.

"Who would have thought our little Harlow Winter Isabelle Bennett was a fucking little minx?!" Angus guffawed as his slid the sliding door shut behind them.

I rolled over onto my back and began to laugh loudly. I couldn't believe I'd just been caught by two of my band-mates, making out with my best-friend, who was also in a band, that we were all really good friends with. It was so embarrassing, yet so exciting. I was secretly a good girl at heart.

John peered out of my bunk, and grinned sheepishly down at me. He had extremely pink lips from the kissing and his hair was a complete and utter mess. I wasn't even going to mention his lack of shirt and the way his jeans sat on his hips. He was a right sight for sore eyes.

"I can't believe that just happened!" He laughed, pushing his hair roughly away from his eyes. "They are going to fucking tell everyone we know!"

"Fucking hell," I agreed, getting to my feet. We looked at each other, grins on our faces. "Oh well," I shrugged, climbing back in. "I don't give a fuck. Now where were we?" And once again, our mouths were connected and we were entwined.