Billet

The music pounded through the house, and it, in combination with the excess of liquor, clouded my brain. I wasn’t happy that it had come to this, but I was doing anything to rid my mind of the recent events.

It was nearly two weeks since the incident with Levi and things had continued to go downhill. The two of us were avoiding each other, minus necessary class discussion which stayed strictly work-related. It was awkward, forced conversation and I preferred the silence, to be completely honest. As confused and angry as I was at Levi, I still felt a void in my life. Levi had been my classmate, study-buddy and one of my closest friends. Over the past few months, he was almost around my house as often as Easton was. But suddenly it all stopped; the extra chair at the dinner table sat empty, the half of my desk that often was occupied by his books was void and my home seemed much quieter and vacant. Easton said that they still talked at practices and games, but that it wasn’t the same as it used to be. They worked together solely as teammates, not friends. I think that Easton felt even more hurt than I was; he trusted Levi with his life but suddenly he was turning into someone that none of us could recognize. Although, as far as I know, no one had told Jeremy, he seemed to know that something big had happened; more than just out little falling out over the past month.

Before anyone even called me out on it, I knew that I hadn’t been myself lately. With the atmosphere of my social group being totally thrown off; I just felt so out of sorts. I had been a little more withdrawn with everything from friends to school to hockey. But it was the last one that really got my blood boiling. I had tried so hard to be a good captain, but I was failing. Miserably. The team was dropping in the standings and I knew that it was largely my fault. It wasn’t just that I was playing poorly, but I wasn’t providing the girls with the support that they needed. I could feel their respect for me slipping through my fingers, so I can’t say that I was shocked when I got called into coach’s office earlier in the week. But it didn’t make it any easier. Over the past few games he had minimized my ice time as an attempt to snap me out of whatever place my head was at, but nothing helped, I continued to miss passes, fan on shots and lack presence on the ice. In his office, he told me that I was going to be a healthy scratch for a full week, beginning today; longer if I didn’t work well in practice. He apologized for having to resort to this, but I couldn’t even listen to it. I had let my team down.

As for the icing on the cake, after an argument with Cory we weren’t speaking to one another. It came as a result of the previous mess. I knew Cory was stressed; he had a lot to worry about. He was becoming a major leader on his team and he was putting so much pressure on himself as an attempt to get drafted after being passed over this past year. On top of that, he was currently in his first year of university and was struggling with the course-load, due to having such a demanding hockey schedule. I didn’t want to add myself to list of worries Cory was compiling so I hadn’t told him much of what was going on in my life. But after my meeting with coach, I called Cory sobbing. I couldn’t hold myself back any longer. I told him about all of the events from the past few weeks. He was mad at me for not telling him sooner and I was mad at him for not being sympathetic. After tons of yelling, and crying (on my part), I furiously hung up on him. With both of us being stubborn, I wasn’t expecting our relationship to be mended overnight. I was just hoping that it would be mended eventually. After everything that had happened recently; losing Levi and feeling like I was losing my team, I couldn’t handle losing my closest friend.

So here I was, drowning my sorrows in alcohol at the Blades’ party rather than being at the rink as my team played our rivals. It was going to be a tough game and I know that I could’ve played a major part in it. What made it worse was that scouts had been increasing in numbers recently and apparently tonight was the night that most of them were going to be present. My hopes of going south of the boarder to play in college was plummeting. I had been attempting to contact coaches and arrange official visits, but interest in me seemed to be at an all-time low. They had seen me collapse under pressure and didn’t want me to be a part of their team’s future.

I was snapped out of my self-pity by Jeremy’s voice calling to me, “Hey Tier! Come over here, we’re doing shots!”

I started walking over to the group, but paused when I saw Levi standing beside Jeremy, shot glass in hand. I hadn’t bumped into him tonight until this point and didn’t know how he would act towards me when he was drunk. Although we had found a “comfortable” arrangement when sober, it was easy enough for tempers to boil over while intoxicated. I was just lucky that I was typically a happy drunk. I shrugged his presence off and confidently strode over to the group; it was mostly players with a couple of friends and girlfriends mixed in. Jeremy poured me a shot and handed it over as I reached the table.

“On three,” one of the veteran players instructed. “One, two, thr-” and all of us tipped back the tiny cups. After the liquid had burned its way down my throat, I squeezed my eyes shut and stuck out my tongue. I had taken severaltoo many shots tonight but it wasn’t getting any easier. I grabbed the closet non-alcoholic drink to me, someone’s Gatorade, and took a gulp as an attempt to rid my mouth of the burning.

After another shot or two, I decided that I wanted to dance (or as close to dancing as I could while being this wasted).

“Eas, come on, let’s dance!” I shouting, spinning myself around in a circle as an attempt to show off my dance moves.
He let out a laugh and agreed.

I had filled Easton in briefly on Cory’s and my falling out. I know that he wasn’t thrilled with my attempt to drown my sorrows in alcohol, but he knew I needed a break from my overactive mind and this was helping in the least. Hopefully, the alcohol would help me sleep tonight too: that would be a bonus as I have had restless nights for weeks and it wasn’t helping my situation in the least.

I grabbed his hand and led the way to the makeshift dance floor in the living area. Someone had hooked their iPod up to a sound system, and the room was filled with Avicci’s “Wake Me Up.” I couldn’t stop giggling as we attempted to dance. After another song or two, I was feeling dizzy and had started stumbling, so Eason helped me off the dance floor and onto the couch. But when I heard another call for shots, I confidently strutted over to join the group.

As the night wore on, I was feeling more intoxicated by the minute. And you know how alcohol makes you feel like the room is much hotter than it actually is, so it wasn’t a surprise that I felt like I needed air. I told the group I was with that I was going to step outside for a moment, before I went and headed towards the door which led to the house’s front porch.

When I stepped outside, I was surprised to see a familiar face leaning against the railing, staring out onto the street. “Levi,” I whispered, walking over to him.
“Tier?” He asked, seeming to be confused rather than angered.

Before I could comprehend what I was doing, I took a step forward, closing the gap between us and capturing his lips in my own. I was surprised that he eagerly returned the favour as we were locked in a heated embrace. I tangled my fingers in his hair and he cupped my face with one hand while pulling me closer with the other. It was a passionate exchange that ended too soon, as he suddenly stopped kissing me and pushed me backwards with the hands that had previously held my body with care.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” His words slurred slightly, but he was much more sober than I had thought as our lips were interlocked.
It took me a second to grasp what had happened before I quietly whispered, “I kissed you.”

And then I did the only thing I deemed sensible: I ran.

I didn’t get far though, before I was tugged back by my arm. Levi had a tight grip, pulling me to face him. “Why do you keep doing this? Playing with my emotions? Do you think it’s a funny game to show me what I can never have? Because I’m fucking sick of it.” His words were harsh and cut through me like a knife.
“I have no idea what you’re talking about. I’m into you, okay? It took me until now, when I’m as drunk as I’ve ever been, to really realize it and admit it to myself, but I like you. A fucking lot.”
“You know that would be great and all,” He paused for a moment, seeming to form his thoughts, “If you didn’t have a boyfriend! Like seriously Tier, you say things like this when you’re already in a relationship an-”

And then I realized it.

Boyfriend.
Relationship.

It was all clicking.

This whole situation was just a tangled web of misunderstanding, stemming from our horrible lack of communication. And all I could do was laugh. Huge, belly laughs; those ones where your stomach starts to hurt and tears well in your eyes.

“Is this all a joke to you?” He asked, clearly taken aback by my actions.
“This is such a fucking mess,” I managed to get out between laughs. “Such a fucking mess.”

This whole time, Levi had thought I was dating Cory. The past two months. Every time I hung up a phone saying “I love you” he clearly thought I meant it in a romantic way when everything between us was clearly (to me at least) platonic. Even now, thinking back, I had never introduced Cory as my best friend or anything of sorts. All of a sudden this other boy appeared out of nowhere; calling nearly daily, saying I love you, spending every possible second together.

This was all starting to make sense.

I thought back to that night, probably a month ago now, when things had started falling apart with Levi. I remember standing along the lake with him; his eyes glued to mine as he looked over my injuries. He was leaning in...he was going to kiss me. I didn’t realize it then, but that’s when this all started. I remember being interrupted by Easton before talking to Cory on the phone. I told him that I loved him just as Easton and Levi walked back over to me. But more than anything, I remember the look of hurt on Levi’s face; pure, deep, aching. Looking back, it was so evident that that’s when things changed, but I had been caught up in the other troubles of my life and had just looked passed all of this.

After I calmed my laughs, I attempt to explain this to Levi. My words were slurred and I surely repeated some things more than once while missing out on other details, but I summarized my realization to the best of my ability.

When I finished, he stood their bewildered. “You’re lying. There’s no wa-.” I quieted him with my lips.

After another passionate kiss, he just stopped and looked me in the eyes before wrapping me in a tight embrace. And there we were, standing on the front porch of the old house downtown, our bodies locked together. Even though the music from the house had quieted, my mind was finally silent. And for the first time in weeks I felt truly at peace.