That's Why I Got a Heater For Your Thighs

Oh my god. I was going to be a mom in a few weeks. Oh god, no. I was starting to get really scared. I couldn't be a mom, could I? I wasn't ready to be one, not really. I couldn't take care of a small person. And what if I did something wrong? What if I dropped the damn baby? What if I accidentally hit his head on something? Oh no, no, no.

Another thing that freaked me out was giving birth. I mean, look at the size of my baby bump. And then, look at the size of a baby. And then tell me it's going to fit through...

Okay, okay. It was possible. Other women had done it before me, women would do it after me. I could easily just squeeze a baby out of there, couldn't I?

Jimmy, on the other hand, was getting more and more excited. He didn't even think about the fact that I was going to get hurt and I would cry and look absolutely fucking gross. No, he only cared about the baby. Whatever.

Another thing was, that I didn't want anyone to see me giving birth. No way would I let anyone look at me, look between my legs, while there was a baby making its way out. No way.

I didn't care that it was ”perfectly normal” or that people did it all the time – no one would be looking while I did it.

Absolutely no one.

Not even Jimmy who had seen my private parts before. Not even he could look. Which is what he didn't understand, though.

”It's not that bad, Rach,” he said with a laugh.

We were laying in bed. My head was resting on his chest and he had his other arm around me, resting his hand on my baby bump. It was huge. Horribly huge.

”You don't get it, do you? You will never want to have sex with me again if you see a whole little person coming out of my vagina,” I mumbled.

”Is that what you're worried about? Me wanting to have sex with you? Then you've got nothing to worry about, babe,” he said. He was laughing.

”It's not even about the sex, though! It's going to be gross. I'd throw up if I had to see it with my own eyes,” I muttered.

”Right. Okay.”

”So... You don't want to be there?”

”No, I do. And I will be there when you give birth to our kid,” he told me and patted my bump.

The baby started kicking. Or punching. Whatever.

”What if I don't let you in? Or what if I don't even tell you it's happening? I'll just come home one day with a baby.”

”You wouldn't do that to me, though. Imagine how mad you would be if I had a baby and wouldn't let you be there.”

”I sure hope that you don't get a baby...”

”Oh, you're so funny.”

”I know.”

”I love you,” he said with a grin and leaned closer to kiss my head.

”I know.”

”Good.”

”But I still don't want you to see it,” I said. He let out a deep sigh. He started to sit up and forced me up too.

”I don't care. What's so bad about it anyway? It's not like I've never seen what's down there between your legs,” he said and started moving his hand down my thigh, towards my private area. I slapped his hand away.

”Are you okay with the fact that I will look horrible, I will scream in pain, I'll probably punch you and tell you how horrible you were for getting me into the whole situation?”

”Yes.”

”Fine. But you'll be the only one there. I don't want anyone else,” I muttered. He took my face between his hands and gave me an adorable grin. Then he planted a kiss on my lips.

”You know,” he mumbled against my lips before pulling away, ”Your mom and sister want to be there, too. And my mom.”

”No!” I exclaimed, ”I'm not letting anyone else see my vagina!”

”Shh, calm down,” he said and laughed, ”I was just saying. You know it's true.”

”Yeah, whatever. I don't even want to talk about this anymore,” I mumbled and sighed.

”Fine, okay. We won't talk about this anymore.”

I didn't have to talk about it until... Until my mom came over, later that day. Sigh. She just happened to ask me who I would take with me to the hospital. I had to tell her that I didn't want her to see it. Hell, I didn't want anyone to see it. I didn't even want to see it myself.

”What do you mean, you won't let me be there? Of course I'll be there. I'm your mother!” she exclaimed.

”I have a right to decide who watches as I give birth, for fucks sake!” I shouted. Wow, okay, I had to calm down.

”Rachel! That's not a way to talk to your mother!” she exclaimed and furrowed her eyebrows.

”But I'm so sick of people telling me that, ”Oh, I'm going to watch as a baby comes out of your poontang!”

”What is a poontang, honey?”

”You know, a vagina!”

”Alright, hadn't heard that one before.”

”Yeah, me neither.” It was Jimmy.

I turned to look at him. He was standing in the doorway, laughing at me. I was beyond annoyed.

”Argh!” I stood up furiously, letting my chair fall, as I was about to storm out of the kitchen.

Jimmy caught my arm and stopped me in the doorway.

”Let go of me!”

”Just calm down. I get it if you're annoyed but you have to stay calm. For the baby,” he said slowly and looked straight into my eyes.

”Just leave me alone,” I muttered and yanked my arm away. I stormed out of the kitchen and all the way up into our bedroom. I closed the door, locked it and laid down on the bed, letting out a deep sigh.

I was really annoyed but I knew I was overreacting. I was making it a big deal, even though it wasn't. But I just felt like it and I couldn't help myself. I felt like no one really understood me.

I laid on my bed for at least an hour before Jimmy came knocking on the door.

”Rach? Let me in. Don't act like a little kid,” he muttered, ”Please?”

”Is mom still here?” I exclaimed. I didn't even bother to get up from the bed because I wasn't going to open the door for him.

”Yeah...”

”I want to be alone.”

”No you don't. You never want to be alone,” he said. Well, he had a point. I guess I was being too hard on him.

I sat up and as I did that, I felt something wet. In my pants. Holy shit. Did I pee? I looked down on my jeans that were now soaking. How embarrassing. I had peed in my pants. My cheeks turned red as I started pulling off my jeans.

”Rachel? Why aren't you saying anything?”

”Just, wait a minute. Something happened,” I muttered. The weird thing was, it didn't smell like pee.

”What do you mean, something happened? Is everything okay? Open the door, please,” he begged.

”Just wait a moment!” I exclaimed. Man, he was starting to annoy me again. I took off my panties and looked at them. It wasn't pee. It didn't look or smell like pee.

Oh my god. That's when I understood what it was. Holy shit.

”Jimmy!” I exclaimed in horror. My eyes were wide open and I thought I was going to cry.

”What?”

”It's coming!” I screamed as hard as I could. Oh no, no, no.

”What's coming?”

”The baby!”