Sequel: So Far Away ›
That's Why I Got a Heater For Your Thighs
Go Away
Days went by as I did nothing but sleep in the bedroom. I hadn't had a shower or a real meal in days. I hadn't had a conversation with anyone and I hadn't even left the room.
The worst thing was that I had no idea what was wrong with me. And even if I did know, I didn't want help from anyone. I felt like it was something I had to go through on my own. If I couldn't take care of myself, then no one could.
Jimmy was, of course, really worried. I wouldn't let him sleep in the same room anymore so he'd taken his clothes out of the closed and moved into the living room with his stuff. He had tried to talk with me but I wasn't in the mood of telling people about my problem.
Mom was going nuts because of me. She didn't know what to do. She called me about 200 times a day but I never felt like answering because I knew exactly what she would say. She'd probably
1) call me a bad mother,
2) tell me how worried she's been, or
3) tell me to get my shit together and get back to being myself. And to be honest with you, I didn't feel like getting my ”shit back together”, not yet. I guess I had to take my time to get alright again.
-
It was a Monday, at least I thought so, as I laid in my bed and stared out of the window. The sun was shining and it looked nice outside.
But the thing was, I didn't want to go outside. I didn't miss the fresh air outside or the people. I didn't miss anything because I didn't really even feel anything. I didn't even miss Jimmy. I didn't miss my mom. I didn't miss my sister. And the worst was, I didn't miss my baby boy.
I rolled over and almost fell down from the bed. I started to stare out of the window again. But then someone knocked on the door.
”Rach? Can I come in?” It was Jimmy. His voice was soft and a bit desperate.
”Go away,” I mumbled. I didn't mean to be mean but I just didn't want to see anyone.
”What do you want me to do?”
”Go away. Leave.”
”It's been a week already. You can't just fucking lock yourself into a room and never come out again. Grow up, live your life,” Jimmy said.
”Go away.”
”What happened to you? Did you just one morning wake up and decide that you won't be talking to me again? That you don't ever want to live your life again?”
”Go away.”
”No, I won't go away. I'll stay here for fucking ever if it makes you come out. I understand if you're tired but come on. Do it for the baby. Do it for our baby.”
”Jimmy. Just, go away.”
”I'm going to keep annoying you until you open that door. And I don't give a fuck if it takes a lifetime. I have all the time it takes. I have all the time you need. And I'll never go on tour again or play drums if you stay in. Because the truth is, I don't care about anything else. I just want you to come out and be okay again.”
”...”
”I didn't marry you so that you could spend all your time in our bedroom. I married you because I want to have a life with you. And I'm pretty sure it won't work if we never even see it each other. You're being such a selfish woman right now, Rachel Sullivan.”
”Just go away.”
”If you don't open that door, I'm going to climb my way in through the window.”
”Whatever.”
”Fine, okay.”
That was the last thing I heard in a while. I was sure that he couldn't or wouldn't climb in through the window. It was a long way up from the ground and he wasn't a young boy anymore. He was getting old.
But a moment later I saw him outside as I looked out of the window. He, somehow, managed to open the window and climb into the bedroom.
”Wow, look at you. Haven't had a shower in a few days, huh?” he asked with a grin.
I rolled my eyes and buried my head under the pillows. I felt him sit down on the bed and soon felt him throw the pillows away, one by one, until there wasn't any left. He forced me to look at him.
”What's going on in your head?” he asked quietly and moved my hair away from my face.
”Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing,” I mumbled.
”What the hell does that mean?”
”I don't know. Just, leave me alone.”
”Would you please talk to me? It fucking kills me, not knowing what you're thinking and why you're acting like this,” he said.
”Fine, okay. I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore.”
”Er... Why?”
”I don't know! I just woke up one day and didn't have my feelings anymore. I... I know I love you but I can't feel it,” I whispered.
”What? Are you fucking serious?”
”Please don't be angry. I just... I don't like this at all. When I looked at the baby, I couldn't feel anything. I should love him with all my heart but I don't feel anything!” I mumbled and buried my face in my hands.
”Hey, hey, hey. Okay, let's think about this,” Jimmy said quietly and pulled me into his arms. He held me tightly against him.
”I'm really sorry about all this. You don't deserve a wife like this,” I mumbled against his shirt.
”Hey, don't say stuff like that. I'm going to call your mom now and you're going to talk to her about this. Okay? Okay?”
”Fine.”
I felt like every time Jimmy had some trouble with me, he called my mom to solve our problems. It was like, she was a part of our relationship, the third person in our marriage. But she wasn't, at least, she shouldn't have been. If we couldn't take care of our problems on our own then no one could.
The worst thing was that I had no idea what was wrong with me. And even if I did know, I didn't want help from anyone. I felt like it was something I had to go through on my own. If I couldn't take care of myself, then no one could.
Jimmy was, of course, really worried. I wouldn't let him sleep in the same room anymore so he'd taken his clothes out of the closed and moved into the living room with his stuff. He had tried to talk with me but I wasn't in the mood of telling people about my problem.
Mom was going nuts because of me. She didn't know what to do. She called me about 200 times a day but I never felt like answering because I knew exactly what she would say. She'd probably
1) call me a bad mother,
2) tell me how worried she's been, or
3) tell me to get my shit together and get back to being myself. And to be honest with you, I didn't feel like getting my ”shit back together”, not yet. I guess I had to take my time to get alright again.
-
It was a Monday, at least I thought so, as I laid in my bed and stared out of the window. The sun was shining and it looked nice outside.
But the thing was, I didn't want to go outside. I didn't miss the fresh air outside or the people. I didn't miss anything because I didn't really even feel anything. I didn't even miss Jimmy. I didn't miss my mom. I didn't miss my sister. And the worst was, I didn't miss my baby boy.
I rolled over and almost fell down from the bed. I started to stare out of the window again. But then someone knocked on the door.
”Rach? Can I come in?” It was Jimmy. His voice was soft and a bit desperate.
”Go away,” I mumbled. I didn't mean to be mean but I just didn't want to see anyone.
”What do you want me to do?”
”Go away. Leave.”
”It's been a week already. You can't just fucking lock yourself into a room and never come out again. Grow up, live your life,” Jimmy said.
”Go away.”
”What happened to you? Did you just one morning wake up and decide that you won't be talking to me again? That you don't ever want to live your life again?”
”Go away.”
”No, I won't go away. I'll stay here for fucking ever if it makes you come out. I understand if you're tired but come on. Do it for the baby. Do it for our baby.”
”Jimmy. Just, go away.”
”I'm going to keep annoying you until you open that door. And I don't give a fuck if it takes a lifetime. I have all the time it takes. I have all the time you need. And I'll never go on tour again or play drums if you stay in. Because the truth is, I don't care about anything else. I just want you to come out and be okay again.”
”...”
”I didn't marry you so that you could spend all your time in our bedroom. I married you because I want to have a life with you. And I'm pretty sure it won't work if we never even see it each other. You're being such a selfish woman right now, Rachel Sullivan.”
”Just go away.”
”If you don't open that door, I'm going to climb my way in through the window.”
”Whatever.”
”Fine, okay.”
That was the last thing I heard in a while. I was sure that he couldn't or wouldn't climb in through the window. It was a long way up from the ground and he wasn't a young boy anymore. He was getting old.
But a moment later I saw him outside as I looked out of the window. He, somehow, managed to open the window and climb into the bedroom.
”Wow, look at you. Haven't had a shower in a few days, huh?” he asked with a grin.
I rolled my eyes and buried my head under the pillows. I felt him sit down on the bed and soon felt him throw the pillows away, one by one, until there wasn't any left. He forced me to look at him.
”What's going on in your head?” he asked quietly and moved my hair away from my face.
”Nothing. Absolutely fucking nothing,” I mumbled.
”What the hell does that mean?”
”I don't know. Just, leave me alone.”
”Would you please talk to me? It fucking kills me, not knowing what you're thinking and why you're acting like this,” he said.
”Fine, okay. I've lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore.”
”Er... Why?”
”I don't know! I just woke up one day and didn't have my feelings anymore. I... I know I love you but I can't feel it,” I whispered.
”What? Are you fucking serious?”
”Please don't be angry. I just... I don't like this at all. When I looked at the baby, I couldn't feel anything. I should love him with all my heart but I don't feel anything!” I mumbled and buried my face in my hands.
”Hey, hey, hey. Okay, let's think about this,” Jimmy said quietly and pulled me into his arms. He held me tightly against him.
”I'm really sorry about all this. You don't deserve a wife like this,” I mumbled against his shirt.
”Hey, don't say stuff like that. I'm going to call your mom now and you're going to talk to her about this. Okay? Okay?”
”Fine.”
I felt like every time Jimmy had some trouble with me, he called my mom to solve our problems. It was like, she was a part of our relationship, the third person in our marriage. But she wasn't, at least, she shouldn't have been. If we couldn't take care of our problems on our own then no one could.