Sequel: So Far Away ›
That's Why I Got a Heater For Your Thighs
What Did You Say
Jimmy, my husband, my best friend, my everything, wanted me to kill myself. He had told me to do it, to kill myself.
Was this even real life anymore? It felt like a bad, horrible dream and I couldn't bring myself to wake up.
I sat there, on the couch, for at least another hour just staring at my hands that were resting on my lap.
At some point the tears started to fall but I ignored them.
And then, Jimmy came back.
He was standing in the doorway, as if he had never even left. I couldn't even look at him anymore.
”Rach, I don't know what got into me. I shouldn't have said things like that, okay? You know I didn't mean them...” he was talking quietly.
I just shrugged.
”It's okay, you don't have to apologize for wanting something,” I mumbled.
”I don't want you to hurt yourself. I'd kill myself if anything ever happened to you, okay?”
”If you honestly didn't want me to hurt myself, you wouldn't tell me to kill myself. I'm not stupid,” I muttered.
I finally looked at him and tried to wipe my eyes.
He looked like he was really sorry.
He took a few steps towards me and sat down on the other side of the couch.
”You have to see things from my point of view for once, Rachel, and understand that this isn't easy for me either,” he said quietly.
”How do you think it makes me feel when you tell me to kill myself?” I whispered.
He came a bit closer and touched my cheek with his hand.
”I'm sorry, I really am. You know me, baby, I would never do anything to hurt you... I just was really angry at you,” he admitted.
As he talked, he looked like he was going through a lot of pain.
”Maybe you should leave...”
”I'm not going anywhere until we get over with this. I miss the old times, I miss us. I never thought that one day it would all be over and we'd be like... This,” he said quietly and shrugged, ”Everyone's been talking. The guys said that it's not good for me to be around you when you're like this. They're afraid that it'll make me just as miserable as you are.”
”Maybe they're right. Maybe you should just leave and let me end this,” I muttered.
”Hey, don't be angry.”
”I don't even care anymore. I've given up,” I muttered and shook my head.
Jimmy said nothing as he came a little closer and pulled me close to him.
He wrapped his arms tightly around me and pulled me against his chest.
It had been so long since the day that Jimmy had held me like that.
I couldn't help but shred a few tears as I buried my face in his neck and held on to him like a little kid.
Even though I felt really sad, I couldn't help but feel a bit better now that he was there and holding me.
”I'm not letting you go, okay?” he was whispering into my ear softly.
”But you already did,” I mumbled and sniffled.
I pulled back a bit, only so that I could look into his eyes.
”No I didn't. You're still here. You're still mine,” he said and wiped my wet cheeks with his thumbs.
I shook my head.
”Don't lie to me. You don't even want me anymore. I disgust you. You want something else...” I whispered and closed my eyes.
”Don't say things like that, that's just bullshit, Rach,” he said and shook his head.
He pulled me really close once again.
Our moment was interrupted by my mother.
I heard her voice and lifted my head up, looking at her.
”Is everything okay here? The door was open...” she trailed off as she looked at my face.
Then she somewhat glared at Jimmy.
”Did you make her cry? Did you?” she asked him.
”I might've said some things that – ”
”What exactly did you say?”
”I'd rather not go there – ”
”What did you say?” mom exclaimed, ”What was so bad that she started crying?”
”He told me to kill myself,” I mumbled, ”But he came back and – ”
”You told her what?” mom shouted with her wide eyes, cutting me off.
She was staring at Jimmy.
”Don't freak out. I was angry and we've talked things straight now,” Jimmy told mom.
”Don't freak out? Don't freak out?! She's been talking about hurting herself and then you, you out of all the people, tell her to kill herself? Get your hands off her. You're not going anywhere near her again, do you hear me?”
Mom was going absolutely fucking nuts over it.
As Jimmy didn't move a bit, she took huge steps towards us and pulled Jimmy up from the couch.
She shoved him away.
”Get out of this house,” she demanded and pointed at the door.
”This is my house,” Jimmy said.
He was being extremely calm which wasn't anything like him.
”I don't care. She's my daughter. You don't tell her to hurt herself, okay?”
”Not to be rude but you've nothing to do with this. This is between me and Rachel. When I married her, I promised to take care of her and that's what I'm going to do now. You won't be always here, you're not going to be here for her forever. But I will, I am going to be here always,” Jimmy said.
”Really? Now, where were you when she was crying here because she thought that she had lost you?” mom asked. J
immy went quiet and looked at me.
”Rach? I'm sorry, I really am. Will you forgive me?” he asked me quietly, ”Please?”
”No! She won't!” mom shouted before I could answer, ”I want you out of this house right now. Now!”
”Fine. Okay? I'll go. I'll leave. But you, both of you, know that I'm the one Rachel's supposed to be with. I'm the one she needs. She doesn't need anyone else,” Jimmy muttered.
Then he looked at both of us before leaving without another word.
”Where is he staying? I thought he was staying with you,” I mumbled to mom who had sat down next to me on the couch.
She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to her side.
”No, he and the baby are staying with one of his bandmates,” mom said with a sigh, ”But let's not talk about him anymore. We should focus on trying to get over him and putting him in the past...”
”Mom! I don't want to get over him!” I exclaimed.
”He wanted you to kill yourself!”
”He didn't mean it! I'm sure he didn't!”
”Rachel, don't be stupid.”
”I'm not being stupid. I just want my old life back,” I mumbled with a shrug.
”I'm going to make sure that Jimmy doesn't come near you ever again, okay?”
”Mom, stop...”
”No. No one talks to my daughter like that. No one. But, honey, you're going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. I will make sure of that,” mom said quietly and gave me a weak smile.
Even if nothing would ever be okay again, I at least had my mom by my side. And Jimmy, too. Even if they didn't get along anymore, I had them both. I at least had someone.
Was this even real life anymore? It felt like a bad, horrible dream and I couldn't bring myself to wake up.
I sat there, on the couch, for at least another hour just staring at my hands that were resting on my lap.
At some point the tears started to fall but I ignored them.
And then, Jimmy came back.
He was standing in the doorway, as if he had never even left. I couldn't even look at him anymore.
”Rach, I don't know what got into me. I shouldn't have said things like that, okay? You know I didn't mean them...” he was talking quietly.
I just shrugged.
”It's okay, you don't have to apologize for wanting something,” I mumbled.
”I don't want you to hurt yourself. I'd kill myself if anything ever happened to you, okay?”
”If you honestly didn't want me to hurt myself, you wouldn't tell me to kill myself. I'm not stupid,” I muttered.
I finally looked at him and tried to wipe my eyes.
He looked like he was really sorry.
He took a few steps towards me and sat down on the other side of the couch.
”You have to see things from my point of view for once, Rachel, and understand that this isn't easy for me either,” he said quietly.
”How do you think it makes me feel when you tell me to kill myself?” I whispered.
He came a bit closer and touched my cheek with his hand.
”I'm sorry, I really am. You know me, baby, I would never do anything to hurt you... I just was really angry at you,” he admitted.
As he talked, he looked like he was going through a lot of pain.
”Maybe you should leave...”
”I'm not going anywhere until we get over with this. I miss the old times, I miss us. I never thought that one day it would all be over and we'd be like... This,” he said quietly and shrugged, ”Everyone's been talking. The guys said that it's not good for me to be around you when you're like this. They're afraid that it'll make me just as miserable as you are.”
”Maybe they're right. Maybe you should just leave and let me end this,” I muttered.
”Hey, don't be angry.”
”I don't even care anymore. I've given up,” I muttered and shook my head.
Jimmy said nothing as he came a little closer and pulled me close to him.
He wrapped his arms tightly around me and pulled me against his chest.
It had been so long since the day that Jimmy had held me like that.
I couldn't help but shred a few tears as I buried my face in his neck and held on to him like a little kid.
Even though I felt really sad, I couldn't help but feel a bit better now that he was there and holding me.
”I'm not letting you go, okay?” he was whispering into my ear softly.
”But you already did,” I mumbled and sniffled.
I pulled back a bit, only so that I could look into his eyes.
”No I didn't. You're still here. You're still mine,” he said and wiped my wet cheeks with his thumbs.
I shook my head.
”Don't lie to me. You don't even want me anymore. I disgust you. You want something else...” I whispered and closed my eyes.
”Don't say things like that, that's just bullshit, Rach,” he said and shook his head.
He pulled me really close once again.
Our moment was interrupted by my mother.
I heard her voice and lifted my head up, looking at her.
”Is everything okay here? The door was open...” she trailed off as she looked at my face.
Then she somewhat glared at Jimmy.
”Did you make her cry? Did you?” she asked him.
”I might've said some things that – ”
”What exactly did you say?”
”I'd rather not go there – ”
”What did you say?” mom exclaimed, ”What was so bad that she started crying?”
”He told me to kill myself,” I mumbled, ”But he came back and – ”
”You told her what?” mom shouted with her wide eyes, cutting me off.
She was staring at Jimmy.
”Don't freak out. I was angry and we've talked things straight now,” Jimmy told mom.
”Don't freak out? Don't freak out?! She's been talking about hurting herself and then you, you out of all the people, tell her to kill herself? Get your hands off her. You're not going anywhere near her again, do you hear me?”
Mom was going absolutely fucking nuts over it.
As Jimmy didn't move a bit, she took huge steps towards us and pulled Jimmy up from the couch.
She shoved him away.
”Get out of this house,” she demanded and pointed at the door.
”This is my house,” Jimmy said.
He was being extremely calm which wasn't anything like him.
”I don't care. She's my daughter. You don't tell her to hurt herself, okay?”
”Not to be rude but you've nothing to do with this. This is between me and Rachel. When I married her, I promised to take care of her and that's what I'm going to do now. You won't be always here, you're not going to be here for her forever. But I will, I am going to be here always,” Jimmy said.
”Really? Now, where were you when she was crying here because she thought that she had lost you?” mom asked. J
immy went quiet and looked at me.
”Rach? I'm sorry, I really am. Will you forgive me?” he asked me quietly, ”Please?”
”No! She won't!” mom shouted before I could answer, ”I want you out of this house right now. Now!”
”Fine. Okay? I'll go. I'll leave. But you, both of you, know that I'm the one Rachel's supposed to be with. I'm the one she needs. She doesn't need anyone else,” Jimmy muttered.
Then he looked at both of us before leaving without another word.
”Where is he staying? I thought he was staying with you,” I mumbled to mom who had sat down next to me on the couch.
She wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me close to her side.
”No, he and the baby are staying with one of his bandmates,” mom said with a sigh, ”But let's not talk about him anymore. We should focus on trying to get over him and putting him in the past...”
”Mom! I don't want to get over him!” I exclaimed.
”He wanted you to kill yourself!”
”He didn't mean it! I'm sure he didn't!”
”Rachel, don't be stupid.”
”I'm not being stupid. I just want my old life back,” I mumbled with a shrug.
”I'm going to make sure that Jimmy doesn't come near you ever again, okay?”
”Mom, stop...”
”No. No one talks to my daughter like that. No one. But, honey, you're going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay. I will make sure of that,” mom said quietly and gave me a weak smile.
Even if nothing would ever be okay again, I at least had my mom by my side. And Jimmy, too. Even if they didn't get along anymore, I had them both. I at least had someone.
♠ ♠ ♠
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