That's Why I Got a Heater For Your Thighs

I found myself sitting in a kitchen. It wasn't my kitchen, it was Brian's. Brian and his wife Michelle were there with me and it was very awkward.

”So, uh... How are you two doing?” I asked after clearing my throat.

They both seemed to be happy that someone was talking. It was better than sitting there in silence, I suppose.

”Oh, yeah, we're great. You know, Michelle's pregnant and everything's great,” Brian said and flashed a smile.

Holy shit, Michelle was pregnant? When did that happen and how come no one had told me?

”Really? Congratulations,” I said and smiled weakly, ”I hope you don't have to go through what happened to Jimmy and I...”

Way to make it even more awkward, Rach!

”Yeah, uh... Jimmy should be here any minute now,” Michelle said and faked a smile.

That's why I was there. I was waiting for Jimmy. He'd been staying at Brian's place with the baby for a while now. I hadn't talked to him since the whole incident between myself, him and my mom. But now I was there, ready to have a chat with him.

”Would you like to have something to drink?” Michelle asked, pulling me out of my thoughts.

”No, I'm fine, thanks,” I said, trying to be really polite, and nodded.

That's when Jimmy appeared in the doorway and froze when he saw me.

”Rach? What are you doing here?” he asked quietly and cocked an eyebrow.

”I, uh, I... I wanted to see you. I want to talk about something,” I said and shrugged.

He nodded and told me to follow him. I walked behind him into a guest room and he closed the door after us.

”Where's the baby? Is he okay?” I asked quietly.

”He's at my parents' place. I'm picking him up later today,” he said and sat down on a bed.

”You know, you should really see him. He's growing up really fast,” Jimmy said.

He was smiling as he talked about the baby.

”Mom wants us to get a divorce. She says that it's over now,” I said quietly.

Jimmy shook his head.

”She's not a part of this relationship, she doesn't get to tell you what to do.”

”I know, I know. I just need to know if this will ever work. I need you to tell me now if there's no hope for us,” I said, ”I need you to do that, Jimmy.”

”I want to say that we can make this work, I really do. But fuck, Rach, this is harder than I thought it would be. I don't have the answers to all these questions,” he admitted.

”What are we going to do?”

”We're going to... Take it easy. We should really think about what we want before we make any decisions.”

”So... Are you coming back home?” I asked quietly.

”No. Not for a while. I've found another house and I'll be staying there for a while,” he said, ”I think it's for the best for now.”

”Are we still going to be together?” I asked.

”I think that's up to you,” he said.

”Okay.” I nodded.

”Just don't do anything stupid, okay? Even though I won't be living with you, I'll always be there for you,” he said and stood up, taking a step towards me.

”I know,” I whispered, ”I'm really sorry for everything. I didn't think it would be this hard.”

”I know,” he said and bit his lip.

He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me into a warm hug.

”We can do this. We're a team, Rach,” he mumbled into my ear and kissed the top of my head.

And I believed him. We were a team.

Getting used to the ”normal” life was a bit hard for me. I went jogging every morning, I ate breakfast, I did laundry, I cleaned, I took a nap, I did everything I could to make myself less bored. But without Jimmy, I had nothing to do. My life was becoming really, really boring.

I suppose that one night I realized that I could go swimming. Why hadn't I thought about that before? I lived right next to the beach and I had never (well okay, maybe once or twice) gone swimming.

I realized that I'd gotten a bit skinnier as I changed into my bikini and started walking towards the water. The beach was nearly empty because it was getting a bit cold. The sand felt nice between my toes and under my feet but when I reached the water, I shivered. I kept going until the water reached my shoulders. And then I took a deep breath in and went below the surface.

I came up for air a few seconds later and started swimming deeper into the water. It all went really well until I got tired of swimming and couldn't find my way back to the shore. I panicked, went under the water, and tried to come up for air one last time.

I knew how to swim. I knew how to get back to the shore. But did I want to? It was so easy to give up, to drown. It wasn't so easy to fight back, to keep on living.

I wasn't suicidal. I'd figured my whole life out. I had people around me, I had Jimmy, I had my family. I didn't exactly want to die. But in the end, I guess it didn't even matter anymore. I was too scared to kill myself but if I died, it would be completely different, wouldn't it? No one would get blamed for it. My drowning would be an accident and nothing else.

Oh yes, it was really easy to give up. I just stopped moving and let the water take care of the rest.