Sequel: So Far Away ›
That's Why I Got a Heater For Your Thighs
I'm Joking
It was 5:30 in the morning and I was sitting in the kitchen, drinking coffee. I was having a hard time keeping my eyes open as I waited for Jimmy to finish showering. He would be leaving for tour in a few hours and wanted to drop me off at mom's bakery before leaving. I was still a bit sad that Jimmy wouldn't be coming to my checkup next week because everything that had something to do with the baby was important to me and I wanted to go through everything important with Jimmy.
”Hey, oh, you're ready already,” Jimmy said as he ruffled his hair and took out a bottle of water from the fridge.
”Yeah...”
”Are you okay?” he asked and sat down.
”Mmhm,” I nodded, ”Yep.”
”Will you survive without me here when I'm gone?” he asked with a laugh.
”I hope so. I'm going to miss you, that's all,” I mumbled with a shrug.
I put down my coffee and grabbed his hand over the table. I looked at his fingers and his wedding ring.
”Well, I'll call you every day if you want,” he said quietly.
”You better do that,” I said. He laughed and reached over the table to kiss me.
”Are you ready to go? I'm sure your mom's already at the bakery, baking pies and going crazy,” he said as he stood up. I got up and grabbed his hand.
”I'm sure she is,” I agreed with a nod.
Jimmy drove me to our bakery and walked me in. On our way there, we ran into a group of girls. As we walked past them, they stopped talking and glared at me.
”Hey, aren't you Rachel Bloom?” one of the girls asked me.
I looked at her. She was older than me, I think, and she looked like a... Complete bitch. You all know what bitches look like, right?
”Well, I'm Rachel Sullivan now,” I mumbled, ”Why do you ask?”
”Don't come back to our bakery anymore. We don't want any of you Blooms there,” she muttered and crossed her arms over her chest. She looked at me like I was a little piece of shit.
”Excuse me?”
”You heard me. We run our business anywhere we want to. Don't even think that we're leaving just because you want us to. Just so you know, we've ruined everyone's business and we will do that to yours, too,” she spat at me.
Geez, she was one of the Robinsons! And she was absolutely fucking crazy! I didn't even know her, nor did I realize what was going on.
”Don't talk like that to my wife,” Jimmy said suddenly, ”In fact, don't act like you're something bigger than she is.”
”Oh, she's definitely bigger than I am,” she said with a smug face as she looked down at my stomach.
”Whatever. Jimmy, let's go,” I said and grabbed my hubby's hand.
”Don't even come close to us, fatass!” the girl shouted after me.
That's when I stopped walking and gave her a death glare.
”You know what? I'm not fat. I might be a bit chubby but that's only because I'm pregnant which you won't ever be because who would want to sleep with you? You're really rude and I don't even know you. And just so you know,” I exclaimed,
”This means war.”
When we walked into my mom's bakery, she was, in fact, baking apple pies.
”Hey, mom, guess what? Jimmy's here!” I exclaimed.
I saw as mom turned around and a smile found its way to her face. I think she was more happier to see Jimmy than me. She rushed to hug him.
”You look beautiful, Mrs. Bloom,” Jimmy said as they pulled apart.
”Aww, shush! You're making me blush, young man!” mom exclaimed and touched his chest.
Oh how sappy.
”So, mom, the Robinson girls are complete idiots,” I told her. She furrowed her eyebrows as she looked at me.
”Does Mr. Robinson have daughters?”
”Apparently yes. And one of them told me to stay away from their stupid bakery,” I muttered.
I felt Jimmy's hand on my waist as he pulled me against his side. He did that all the time when I was a bit upset. He thought it was a way to comfort me, I guess.
”Oh, wow. What did you tell them, then? I mean, you just didn't stand quiet, did you?” mom asked me.
”She told her that the war is now on,” Jimmy said with a laugh. He ruffled my hair and I pushed his hand away.
”Did you do that, Rachel? Oh my god, now we're in trouble, aren't we?” mom exclaimed and started to freak out.
”Mom, she called me fat! What was I supposed to do?” I asked.
”Well you didn't have to say that ”the war is on”, you could've just told her to fuck off!” she said.
My eyes went wide. Geez, mom had probably never said the word fuck!
”Hey, calm down. Both of you, okay? I need to leave in a minute. I don't want to see you two fighting,” Jimmy said. I felt his hand on my lower back as he rubbed it gently.
”I'm sorry, Jimmy,” mom said and patted his shoulder.
”Of course you don't want to see people fighting. I just... Got a bit upset, that's all. Why don't I get a few apple pies for you, Jimmy? You can give the guys some, too. Just so you won't get hungry in the bus.” With that, mom disappeared into the backroom.
I looked up at Jimmy.
”She's gone out of her mind,” I whispered and shook my head.
”She's just a bit... All over the place,” he said with a laugh. I wrapped my arms around Jimmy's skinny waist and hugged him.
”Aww, I'm going to miss you so much,” I mumbled against his chest and took a deep breath in.
”I'm going to miss you, too, Jimmy!” mom shouted from the back room.
Jimmy's chest vibrated against my face as he laughed. He wrapped his arm around me, holding me close to him.
”You've got a competitor, Rach,” Jimmy murmured and kissed the top of my head.
”Yeah, my own mom. Don't you dare leave me for her.”
”Don't worry about that, Rach,” Jimmy said with a laugh. Mom came back with a few boxes on her hands.
”Jimmy, honey? I saw a poster of your band the other day. And I was kind of disappointed that you never smile on those photos! Why don't you do that?” mom asked as she handed Jimmy the pies.
”Because we're just that cool,” he told her with a wink.
”Oh, but you boys have such nice smiles!”
”Mom, that's enough. No one would take them seriously if they were grinning like idiots, anyway,” I said.
”Exactly. Now, I have to keep going,” Jimmy said, ”Walk me out, Rach.”
When we got back to Jimmy's car, the Robinson bitches had left already. Which was good because I didn't want to get into another fight with them. Jimmy sat in his car and pulled me on to his lap for a moment. He kissed my cheek a few times.
”When I come back, we'll do something together. You've been working so much that you haven't given any time to me,” he said.
”When you come back, I will be huge and look stupid with a big belly. You're not going to want to be with me.”
”Yeah, you're propably right.”
”Jimmy!” I exclaimed and looked at him with my wide eyes.
”I'm joking!” he shouted and laughed.
”Well you better be. Because if you think you can get out of this whole baby thing, then – ”
”You know what, Rachel? I love you very much but I really have to go,” he cut me off and pushed me up and out of the car.
”Why'd you do that for? Couldn't we just hug for a little while?”
”Well, we could but I'd be really late,” he admitted with a shrug.
”Hmpfh, well, fine. Have a nice trip.”
”Well give me a kiss at least, will you?” he let out a laugh.
”Oh and by the way, I talked with the doctor and she told me that I'm going to start feeling like I have to have sex all the time. That's too bad you won't be here. I might have to find someone who can satisfy me...”
”Oh, you little monster!” he exclaimed with a laugh as he got out of the car and pulled me into a rough kiss. I laughed into his mouth as he held me close for a few moments. Then he pressed his forehead against mine, holding my waist tightly.
”Thank your mom for the pie,” he whispered and wiggled his eyebrows.
”Gross, Jimmy!” I pushed him away by his chest.
”I'll see you in a few weeks, Rach!” He was getting back into his car.
”I love you!”
”Hey, oh, you're ready already,” Jimmy said as he ruffled his hair and took out a bottle of water from the fridge.
”Yeah...”
”Are you okay?” he asked and sat down.
”Mmhm,” I nodded, ”Yep.”
”Will you survive without me here when I'm gone?” he asked with a laugh.
”I hope so. I'm going to miss you, that's all,” I mumbled with a shrug.
I put down my coffee and grabbed his hand over the table. I looked at his fingers and his wedding ring.
”Well, I'll call you every day if you want,” he said quietly.
”You better do that,” I said. He laughed and reached over the table to kiss me.
”Are you ready to go? I'm sure your mom's already at the bakery, baking pies and going crazy,” he said as he stood up. I got up and grabbed his hand.
”I'm sure she is,” I agreed with a nod.
Jimmy drove me to our bakery and walked me in. On our way there, we ran into a group of girls. As we walked past them, they stopped talking and glared at me.
”Hey, aren't you Rachel Bloom?” one of the girls asked me.
I looked at her. She was older than me, I think, and she looked like a... Complete bitch. You all know what bitches look like, right?
”Well, I'm Rachel Sullivan now,” I mumbled, ”Why do you ask?”
”Don't come back to our bakery anymore. We don't want any of you Blooms there,” she muttered and crossed her arms over her chest. She looked at me like I was a little piece of shit.
”Excuse me?”
”You heard me. We run our business anywhere we want to. Don't even think that we're leaving just because you want us to. Just so you know, we've ruined everyone's business and we will do that to yours, too,” she spat at me.
Geez, she was one of the Robinsons! And she was absolutely fucking crazy! I didn't even know her, nor did I realize what was going on.
”Don't talk like that to my wife,” Jimmy said suddenly, ”In fact, don't act like you're something bigger than she is.”
”Oh, she's definitely bigger than I am,” she said with a smug face as she looked down at my stomach.
”Whatever. Jimmy, let's go,” I said and grabbed my hubby's hand.
”Don't even come close to us, fatass!” the girl shouted after me.
That's when I stopped walking and gave her a death glare.
”You know what? I'm not fat. I might be a bit chubby but that's only because I'm pregnant which you won't ever be because who would want to sleep with you? You're really rude and I don't even know you. And just so you know,” I exclaimed,
”This means war.”
When we walked into my mom's bakery, she was, in fact, baking apple pies.
”Hey, mom, guess what? Jimmy's here!” I exclaimed.
I saw as mom turned around and a smile found its way to her face. I think she was more happier to see Jimmy than me. She rushed to hug him.
”You look beautiful, Mrs. Bloom,” Jimmy said as they pulled apart.
”Aww, shush! You're making me blush, young man!” mom exclaimed and touched his chest.
Oh how sappy.
”So, mom, the Robinson girls are complete idiots,” I told her. She furrowed her eyebrows as she looked at me.
”Does Mr. Robinson have daughters?”
”Apparently yes. And one of them told me to stay away from their stupid bakery,” I muttered.
I felt Jimmy's hand on my waist as he pulled me against his side. He did that all the time when I was a bit upset. He thought it was a way to comfort me, I guess.
”Oh, wow. What did you tell them, then? I mean, you just didn't stand quiet, did you?” mom asked me.
”She told her that the war is now on,” Jimmy said with a laugh. He ruffled my hair and I pushed his hand away.
”Did you do that, Rachel? Oh my god, now we're in trouble, aren't we?” mom exclaimed and started to freak out.
”Mom, she called me fat! What was I supposed to do?” I asked.
”Well you didn't have to say that ”the war is on”, you could've just told her to fuck off!” she said.
My eyes went wide. Geez, mom had probably never said the word fuck!
”Hey, calm down. Both of you, okay? I need to leave in a minute. I don't want to see you two fighting,” Jimmy said. I felt his hand on my lower back as he rubbed it gently.
”I'm sorry, Jimmy,” mom said and patted his shoulder.
”Of course you don't want to see people fighting. I just... Got a bit upset, that's all. Why don't I get a few apple pies for you, Jimmy? You can give the guys some, too. Just so you won't get hungry in the bus.” With that, mom disappeared into the backroom.
I looked up at Jimmy.
”She's gone out of her mind,” I whispered and shook my head.
”She's just a bit... All over the place,” he said with a laugh. I wrapped my arms around Jimmy's skinny waist and hugged him.
”Aww, I'm going to miss you so much,” I mumbled against his chest and took a deep breath in.
”I'm going to miss you, too, Jimmy!” mom shouted from the back room.
Jimmy's chest vibrated against my face as he laughed. He wrapped his arm around me, holding me close to him.
”You've got a competitor, Rach,” Jimmy murmured and kissed the top of my head.
”Yeah, my own mom. Don't you dare leave me for her.”
”Don't worry about that, Rach,” Jimmy said with a laugh. Mom came back with a few boxes on her hands.
”Jimmy, honey? I saw a poster of your band the other day. And I was kind of disappointed that you never smile on those photos! Why don't you do that?” mom asked as she handed Jimmy the pies.
”Because we're just that cool,” he told her with a wink.
”Oh, but you boys have such nice smiles!”
”Mom, that's enough. No one would take them seriously if they were grinning like idiots, anyway,” I said.
”Exactly. Now, I have to keep going,” Jimmy said, ”Walk me out, Rach.”
When we got back to Jimmy's car, the Robinson bitches had left already. Which was good because I didn't want to get into another fight with them. Jimmy sat in his car and pulled me on to his lap for a moment. He kissed my cheek a few times.
”When I come back, we'll do something together. You've been working so much that you haven't given any time to me,” he said.
”When you come back, I will be huge and look stupid with a big belly. You're not going to want to be with me.”
”Yeah, you're propably right.”
”Jimmy!” I exclaimed and looked at him with my wide eyes.
”I'm joking!” he shouted and laughed.
”Well you better be. Because if you think you can get out of this whole baby thing, then – ”
”You know what, Rachel? I love you very much but I really have to go,” he cut me off and pushed me up and out of the car.
”Why'd you do that for? Couldn't we just hug for a little while?”
”Well, we could but I'd be really late,” he admitted with a shrug.
”Hmpfh, well, fine. Have a nice trip.”
”Well give me a kiss at least, will you?” he let out a laugh.
”Oh and by the way, I talked with the doctor and she told me that I'm going to start feeling like I have to have sex all the time. That's too bad you won't be here. I might have to find someone who can satisfy me...”
”Oh, you little monster!” he exclaimed with a laugh as he got out of the car and pulled me into a rough kiss. I laughed into his mouth as he held me close for a few moments. Then he pressed his forehead against mine, holding my waist tightly.
”Thank your mom for the pie,” he whispered and wiggled his eyebrows.
”Gross, Jimmy!” I pushed him away by his chest.
”I'll see you in a few weeks, Rach!” He was getting back into his car.
”I love you!”