Just Like Heaven

Noah had gone back to Gerard's the following day. Eloise's condition had taken a turn for the worse. Mikey and I were with her when she passed away late that night.

It had been quiet, she had given a few heavy breaths, then she was gone. Mikey and I couldn't stand to see her suffer with those tubes down her nose. We opted to have them remove and let her go; it was a decision we made together. We couldn't be selfish to have her on Earth suffering any longer; we wanted her to find some peace.

Eloise slipped away at 11 pm, on February 10th; she lived for 4 days. I couldn't stop crying. My heart felt dead. It was broken and crushed. I felt incredible guilt, even though I knew it was the right thing.

Mikey cried right along with me and held me. The two of us just cried and cried until we couldn't anymore. We lost our baby, a baby we weren't able to hold, we needed to grieve.

When our mom's arrived, we had told them, and of course more tears were shed. We couldn't tell anyone else, so we let our mom's do it. But, we did need to tell Noah before we would have the funeral.

Going home was the hardest thing. Going to my home and seeing all of her baby things, knowing she wouldn't be coming home with us like we anticipated. It was a big punch in the gut, throat and chest.

Gerard was there when we got home; he had smiled and hugged me tight. I accepted it, even though I was sore from the c-section. He kissed my head and didn't say anything about it; "Glad you're home."

"Thanks, Gerard." I smiled sadly at him.

He nodded and hugged Mikey, saying a few words before he left. Once the door closed, I heard Noah come from his bedroom and run to me, I leaned down and kissed his head, "Mommy!" He kissed my cheek, "Where El-Oh-Ees?"

My chest tightened hard, "We need to talk about that, babe."

He gave me a confused look, but followed me when I led him to the couch. Mikey sat on one side, I on the other while Noah sat in the middle. He played with the rip in his jeans, then looked at me, "Where El-Oh-Ees? She sick?"

I sighed, "Babe, this is hard for me and daddy to explain to you." 

Mikey rubbed my back gently, "Yeah, buddy, we need to tell you something."

He looked at us confused, "Hmm?"

"Eloise isn't coming home." I told him softly.

"Why?" He furrowed his tiny brows.

Mikey swallowed thickly, "Well, Eloise went to heaven."

Noah was so confused, "Huh? She come back?"

Mikey shook his head, "No, I'm afraid not, bud."

Tears began again, they were continuous, no stopping in sight. Noah crawled over to me, wrapped his small arms around my shoulders and kissed my head, "No cry, mommy."

I smiled, sniffling and wiping my eyes, "I can't help it, baby."

"You cry for El-Oh-Ees?"

I nodded, "I miss her."

"I miss her too." He murmured, hugging me tighter, "I love her, mommy."

"She loves you too, Noah Bear."

I took him into my arms and kissed his face. He giggled softly and kissed my cheek, "Love you mommy."

"I love you too, babe."

Noah jumped from my lap and over to Mikey's. Mikey smiled and hugged him, "I love you, little dude."

"Love you." Noah kissed Mikey's nose.

Having Noah made losing Eloise just a little bit bearable. He was the constant that kept my and Mikey's heads on straight. If it weren't for him, we would've broken down and lost ourselves. I'm very happy for my son, and I'm happy I had a little bit of time with Eloise before she died.


I was surprised that I didn't get as depressed as I thought I would be. I was alright, I mean, I was sad, but I didn't get too down and I never cried for too long. I cried, with Mikey, a lot, and sometimes in front of Noah. I had been sure that something like this would've killed me. And, I was surprised it didn't.

Noah seemed to understand and comfort me, as he did Mikey. To be honest, I think Mikey took it harder than I did. He was sadder, he didn't really talk and he was always teary eyed. He always held me at night, and I of coursed held him, hugging him tight. I just didn't know that he was taking it so hard; I sound as if it were nothing, but I mean I didn't even feel as bad as Mikey; that made me feel worse.

We had a small gathering for Eloise, which was somber and quiet, and Mikey could barely speak. He was choked up and he cried so much and so hard. It was all hard to watch and to deal with, but we got through it as best we could.

Noah was a trooper; he's young and doesn't know what death is, so he was silent. He had folded the pictures he had drawn for Eloise and put them in the grave dug for her. He looked down in it, and he had looked at me, "White Rabbit, mommy! Mad Hatter!" He looked at me, "Al-Ees in Wonderland."

I had nodded and smiled, "Yeah, you're right. Down the rabbit hole is where she'll live."

Noah seemed to feel a whole lot better believing Eloise would be living in Wonderland forever. He had reached over and told Mikey the same; Mikey was still torn up, but he knelt at Noah's side, the grass staining his dress pants, "You're right, buddy." He had said.

By the time it was all over, me and Mikey were emotionally drained. We were tired and needed to rest. Mikey needed it more than I did.

I had taken Mikey home, while Gerard and their mom took Noah for us. My own mom went with them, to give us some time alone. I had hugged Seth and Paula and Greg goodbye and thanked them immensely for their support. 

Mikey had went to our bedroom, with me trailing behind him, and sat on the bed. He looked so exhausted, so tired; all I wanted to do was make it all better. I just didn't know how I could do make it better.

"Mikey, how are you?" I asked him as I took my shoes off.

Mikey didn't respond, he just continuously unbutton his dress shirt. I sat beside him and put my arm around his middle, he looked at me, dropping his hands, "I feel like shit, M."

I kissed his cheek and rested my head on his shoulder, "I know you do, I feel like hell myself."

"Fuck," he muttered, "I can't believe this happened," he looked down at me, "I need a drink."

"No you don't." I kissed him again, "You need to relax, Mike." I ran my hand up and down his back, "You need a nap."

He nodded, "Yeah."

Mikey rubbed his neck, and started to cry again. We both wrapped our arms around each other and cried again. It was all we could do, it was the worst thing that could ever happen to us.

When we finally stopped, we laid in bed, holding each other. Mikey's even breathing was relaxing, and made me feel just a bit better. His hand ran up and down my back; "Morgan, what did we do wrong?" He asked curiously.

"We didn't do anything wrong, Mikey." I answered softly.

"I feel like how you felt when you found out Noah was mute... I wonder if God is punishing me." 

"This is just the worst bump in our lives, Mike. We have to roll with it, grieve like normal humans and try and keep living. Live for Noah and Eloise."

Tears just rolled out of his eyes, "I really, really wanted her, M. I loved her from the moment I found that pregnancy test on the counter. I love Noah, too, but I... I don't mean to sound like I don't love him, it's just... We planned her, y'know? I couldn't wait to have another baby, because Noah makes me so happy and proud, and excited to be a dad.

"When he runs to me, and calls me daddy, it's unconditional love, Morgan.. It's a rush. I wanted more, I couldn't wait to bring her up and teach her things... I was always gone when Noah was a baby, I rarely got to hold him before he started to walk." He exhaled and brought his hand up to wipe his eyes, "I'm grateful for her and Noah, I love them both equally. I just felt I could have made it better this time."

"Mikey, you've done great. You're an amazing dad. Someday, we'll have another baby and you'll be able to experience everything. I promise."

He looked down at me, "You want another baby?" 

"Yeah, this doesn't detour my hopes." I explained softly.

"You aren't worried?"

I shook my head, "No matter what, I'll always love our babies. I don't care if they're deaf, mute or mentally handicapped -I will love them."

Mikey kissed my forehead, "Me too. Any baby with you is more than loved by me."

I smiled and kissed the underside of his jaw, "I love, Mikey."

"I love you, too, Morgan."