Take My Hand And Never Be Afraid Again

Elena's P.O.V

I never believed in god. I always wanted to though. I wanted to feel like there was someone above looking out for me, fighting my battles, keeping me in line. I wanted to feel that hope that comes with believing in something. But no matter how hard I tried, god always just felt like false hope. Like I was kidding myself into thinking that someone actually cared what happened to me. I was in this world alone; nobody was going to help me.



I went to his house thinking for some stupid reason that he would make everything better; like he always did. He’d tell me I wasn’t crazy, and I wasn’t a bitch, and I’d believe him; because even though I didn’t believe in god, I did believe in Frank. Who was I kidding though? Frank never cared. He wasn’t home, so I left before his mum saw me.

I turned to my side to look at Fanny; she was looking off in the distance, Fanny was one of those girls who was pretty and didn’t know it. I liked that about her, she wasn’t hot like most girls in Jersey; she pure and beautiful. I drew strength from the fact she looked just as scared and lost as I was.

“I’m sorry for yelling at you before Fanny, I’m a fucking bitch and I understand if you don’t want to talk to me ever again. But I just want you to know that I wasn’t angry at you, I’m just... I’m just messed up.”I said softly, looking down at my converses.

“Elena you’re not a bitch. And I completely understand why you were pissed at me. I don’t even fucking know Frank, and I shouldn’t have cried... But I wasn’t crying about Frank.” She said looking down at her hands. I grabbed her hand and squeezed it; Frank used to do this to me, it always made me feel better.

“Why were you crying then?” I didn’t want to sound rude, but my curiosity got the better of me.

“...My mum died of cancer last year and ...Gerard holding me just reminded me of when I lay with my mum as she died. It’s kind of pathetic I know, but I can’t fucking help it, whenever I remember shit like that it just reminds me that I’ll never have it again. She’s gone.”

I didn’t even know what to say when she said this; I’m such a fucking bitch. That was the most unpathetic thing I had ever heard. I could feel hot tears running down my cheeks, I never cried. I usually hit somebody or threw something when I was sad, but I never cried. I didn’t want people thinking of me as weak, so I usually hid behind my anger. But now it was all pouring out; every grudge, insult, bad thought, every memory I had held onto of Frank, was now pouring down my face; I had finally let go.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry, I had no idea. I feel like such a fucking bitch” I said, my vision blurry from the tears.
“Elena you’re not a bitch, don’t cry, everything’s gonna be all right”, she said weakly, I could hear her start to cry too. I just imagined somebody driving past now and seeing two girls sitting on the side of the road crying. I laughed slightly at this thought, Fanny laughed slightly too.

“Mikey I swear to god, put it down before I put you down”, said a voice from down the road, was that Gerard? Fanny went quiet too, and she looked at me with a raised eyebrow.

“Honestly it’s just a fucking letterbox, I know the old man who lives here; and trust me, he won’t be getting mail anytime soon. Who would send a letter to this old fucking douche bag? He called the police when I was tagging his fence that time, remember? It’s like come on, I was just decorating, Calm you’re ti - Ow Gerard! What the fuck was that for! Okay- okay I’m putting it down” Fanny and I shared a quiet giggle. That had to be Mikey; only Mikey would think of tagging as ‘decorating’. I could see two shadows walking down the road now.

“Hey is that you Fanny? No offence but you put on a bit of weight since the last time I saw you”. Said Mikey, me and Fanny were sitting so close that he must have thought it was just one person. I laughed slightly, that was just so Mikey.

“There’s two people there you stupid fuck”, said Gerard “Is that you Elena?”

“Yeah” I replied weakly. They came and sat down on the road in front of our kerb.

“Are you guys okay?” Asked Gerard, we must have looked a mess, and I still had tears on my cheeks. I looked over at Mikey, and felt my heart nearly burst through my chest.
How does he do this to me?
“Yeah we’re fine”, replied Fanny when I didn’t answer. She punched Mikey in the arm “Never call a girl fat you bastard”, she said, I laughed. Mikey rubbed his arm.

“Sorry Fanny, I don’t think you’re fat! I would never call a girl fat, but I mean you really should watch what you eat-” she glared at him “-Because you’re not eating enough fatty food, I mean seriously guurl, you getting waaay too thin”. He said sticking his chest out and mimicking Jamia. We laughed, even Gerard laughed.

“I’m sorry for yelling Mikey, Gerard. I just freaked out, but I do love you guys”, I looked straight at Mikey as I said this. He looked straight back at me, his eyes bright and his hair a mess; I wanted to tell him how much he meant to me, I wanted to tell him that just seeing him smile is the reason I smile. He sat up on the kerb next to me and wrapped an arm around my shoulder; Fanny snuggled in closer to us.

“Come on Gerard! Join in on the group huddle. Don’t make me come over there, cause you know I will”, said Mikey. Gerard groaned then jumped on Mikey, we all fell back on the road laughing. Even though this was the happiest I had been in a while, something was missing; something was always missing. Someone should be sitting next to me; with his cute little stoner giggle that sounded like a girls,sucking on his lip piercing when he was nervous, or the way he knew every batman comic book off by heart. The scars on my arm started tingling, like always when I thought about Frank. I turned to smile at Mikey, he grinned back at me, his eyes full of hope. Gerard was chuckling, he looked the happiest I had ever seen him. Together I knew we could make it, all we needed was hope. And with them in this moment; I was staring right at it.

I turned to grin at Fanny, but she was looking in the other direction, at her driveway. Wow Jamia must have been having a party, how did I not notice this before? Fanny looked like she was fighting back tears; she must really hate parties. And then I realised what she was looking at, Frank and Jamia kissing on the boot of his car.

“I'm sorry Fanny” I whispered to her. Mikey dated a girl called Lucy last year, watching them kiss was like a knife stabbing into my chest, it took all my self control to not rip her hair out. Fanny was a crier though, she got sad wheres I got angry. I hated seeing my friends sad, if there was something I was good at, it was sticking up for the people I love.

Jamia was going down.

"You want me to do something?" I asked with an evil smirk plastered on my face. She turned to face me, then when she understood what I was suggesting her face lit up, she nodded.

“OI SKANK!” I yelled.