In a Strange Place

Guilt. It’s something that takes over slowly. It lingers in the back of your mind, barely noticeable at first. Then it finds its way to your heart, spreading quickly. It makes you relive the scenario over and over again, until you can’t take anymore. Then, suddenly, you’re in tears, blubbering like a baby, and rushing to go and fix what you’ve broken. That’s how guilt works for me; except my pride gets in the way of fixing the wrong I’ve done.

So here I am standing in-front of Sam’s house, trying to force myself to take some steps to the door. But my pride is like a force field. I won’t let me walk up the stairs, open the door, and apologize to Sam for everything I’ve done. I contemplate just turning around, but I have nowhere else to go. No else wants to be bothered with me. A cold breeze sends a shiver down my spine and I’m suddenly reminded I’m standing in a cold winter night. Fuck pride. I walk around the house to my bedroom window. This way I don’t have to face Sam; but he’s a smart guy. The window is locked and there’s a note stuck to it. Don’t think so! I groan loudly. Marching around to the front door, I stop and take a deep breath. Sam opens the door on the first knock. “So you decided to come home?” He asks sternly. “Had enough bar hopping?”

“Uh, yeah. It was pretty cray.” I answer sarcastically. Sam rolls his eyes and starts to shut the door, but I stop it with my foot.

“Sam! Hear me out. Please?” My voice is unrecognizable, and I’m left in a familiar position. Begging. “You’re the only person that cares about me.” I whisper. “The only one I have left.” And it’s true. Sam is my everything now. I can’t relay on my mother to help me, I have no real friends, and I have nowhere to go. The door eases up a bit. The glare from Sam’s reading glasses stops me from seeing his eyes, but I can hear the hurt in his voice. It’s enough to make me never want to pick up another beer again.

“So why do you keep blowing your chances?” I can’t answer that. Trouble is like an addiction to me. It’s the only thing that I understand, that I’m used to. Doing right, completely, is unfamiliar. It’s as if trouble is my crack and I’m the addict. I know it’s just a matter of time before I’m back on the edge again.

“Adam, I can’t keep taking you in every time you swear you’re going to change, then fuck up again. It’s getting old and needs to stop. I’m giving you one more chance. If I find out that you’re drinking and into drugs again, you’re out. I can’t keep worrying about you like you’re my child. I have a life too.” Sam holds the door open for me. I quickly give him a hug. “Hooray!” I yell, planting a kiss on his cheek.

It’s silent as I lie in bed tonight. I’ve been contemplating my life, and I think it’s time that I do something for myself. No more lying around and getting into trouble. What’s the point? You know? I reach for my computer to look up jobs. Contributing to rent here would make me look good to Sam. It would also make me feel…useful for once.

I wake up the next morning feeling good. That’s something that’s really rare in my life. The first thing I do is call every store in a ten mile radius. Most of them aren’t hiring. I don’t let that bring my mood down though. When I finally get a response from a local grocery store, I’m thrilled. In fact, I’m so thrilled I run to Sam’s room and jump on his bed. For a minute he’s unresponsive, but suddenly he reaches up and drags me down by my leg. “What?” I yells, frustrated. Laughing, I answer, “I got an interview!”

“For what?”

“A job. Duh!”

Sam sits up. His hair is neatly gelled, which I don’t understand since he just woke up. “Where?’

“Megamart.”

“Well, when’s the interview?”

“In an hour. That’s why I was hoping you could help me get ready. You know, since you’re like a male Kim Kardashian.” Sam chuckles, getting out of his bed. “You better recognize! Fine, I’ll help you.”
Sam and I spend the next two hours trimming my hair, styling my clothes, and working on answering job questions. At one point I looked exactly like him. From the gelled hair to the tucked in plaid shirt. I looked in the mirror and couldn’t believe what I saw. I actually looked like I cared. I could hear Sam laughing in the background. “Why so shocked?” He asked. I couldn’t answer him. I felt his hand on my shoulder, giving it a good squeeze. “You’re going to do great.” He whispered. And I believed him.

Have you ever had those moments where you have how everything is going to go in your head, but the complete opposite happens? Well that is exactly what happened to me. When I entered Megamart I say the most miserable, dead looking people I’ve ever seen in my life. I ran into a woman I thought was a zombie, and yelled. The placed had no life. Damn! I don’t even think the workers had life. So, I went into that interview…and I failed miserably. They asked me what my goals in life were. I said, “I have none.” They asked me where I see myself in 5 years. I said, “Dead.” Then they said, “Thank you for coming, but unfortunately we will not need your services.” Then I ran around back, and rage quit at the wall. This was my chance to do something right and I fucked it all up. I fuck everything up. How am I supposed to explain this to Sam? “Hey!” I heard a voice whisper to me. Looking over, I spotted a well-dressed guy in dark shades and dark hair. He looked…suspicious. “Yeah?” I asked.
“This is my turf. Unless you’re looking to score, you need to beat it. Or I’ll beat you. Ya’ heard?” The guy said stalking closer to me. We stood in silence for a while. I contemplated what to do. Was I looking to score? It would make me feel a hell of a lot better. “Sorry, man.” I said, walking away. I was broke anyway.

“Hey?” He yelled again.

“What?”

“Why were you so mad?”

“Didn’t get the job I thought I wanted.” The guy took his shades off.

“You were looking to make some money? You’re not gonna do it at this dump.” I sighed, annoyed now. Who is this douche to tell me what I already fucking know?

“Yeah, I fucking know that.” A broad smirk grew on his face. I don’t know him, but I don’t like him either. I started to walk away but he called after me again. Before I could turn and slap the shit out of him, he spoke.

“I can give you a job.”

“Yeah? Doing what? Ho-ing myself out behind Megamart?”

“Better.” He motioned me over to him. “You can deal.” My eyebrows rose. Deal? Drugs?

“What exactly?” The guy pulled out a bag of weed and a bag of coke.

“These babies will make you a lot of money.” I wanted to just walk away, but there was this warm feeling inside of me that kept me in place. It made me listen to everything this guy was saying. “All you gotta do is sell all your shit, and then give the money to Big Joe. He’ll give you a percentage of what you make. A fucking big percentage. If you’re in, I can take you to Big J tonight, 12 sharp.” My mind fixated back to what I told Sam about wanting to change. It also flashed around to when I said I’d help out, money-wise. I could do this. Sam would never have to know; never find out. I could just say I was going to Megamart in the morning. I look into this guy’s eyes.

“I’m in.” I say. A smile broadens across his face. He seems satisfied, but I feel off.

“Well, I’m Danny.” He says, holding out his hand for me to shake. “Welcome to the team.”

“Adam.” I say back. That familiar high feeling runs through my veins as I reach out and shake hands with trouble itself.