The Hardest Part Of This Is Leaving You
The Hardest Part Of This Is Leaving You
Sunday, October 2nd 2011.
“Come on Gerard”
“I- I can’t Mikey…”
We were in the cold autumn weather outside the hospital on the west side of Belleville, New Jersey, just outside the entrance. It was the closest I’d gotten in the past week that Frank had been there, and I was heartbroken that I hadn’t seen him yet. Why you ask? Because the thought of going in scares me to death. The thought of walking around the same place numerous people have died terrifies me.
But the thing that terrifies me most is the fact that I might never be able to step foot in a hospital without having a panic attack. If it takes me a week to get to just the entrance it’ll take a hell of a lot longer for me to get inside. And during that time Frank might… well. You know.
He shouldn’t be in there. Fuck, no one should be in there but the fact that it’s Frank makes it a whole lot worse.
---
Sunday, September 25th 2011
It was that time of year again, autumn. I hated it. The fall was always so ugly. The trees no longer had their leaves and it was always cold; too cold for a light jacket, but too warm for something more.
Frank and I had been walking down the road after our date. It was our one year anniversary, so I decided to treat him to something special. I’d made reservations at La Sicilia Pizzeria and Café, one of the finest Italian restaurants in Belleville, and we were going to spend the rest of the evening curled up on the couch, watching our favourite films. Overall the dinner part of evening went well, and surprisingly, the weather when we left the restaurant wasn’t too bad, so we made the choice to walk back to our apartment.
We’d moved in together around 4 months ago. That was also a perfect night, but it wasn’t going to compare to this one.
We rounded a corner, holding hands and talking aimlessly about anything in our heads.
Those were the moments I enjoyed most; just being together without it having to be a big deal and without it being awkward.
“Hey, I fancy getting some ice cream for later” Frank mentioned dropping my hand. “I’ll be right back”
I nodded and kissed him on the nose before he made his way across the street to the small convenience store. Once he was inside, I sat down on the curb of the sidewalk pulling out a cigarette carton and lighting one of the cancer sticks up. I knew it was bad for me, and I knew I should stop. I probably would try to if I ever had a reason too.
A good five minutes later, Frank came out from the entrance, a small carrier bag in his hand. I hummed quietly to myself as Frank began to check the road for any approaching cars. I couldn’t wait to get home, to spend the rest of the evening with the man I loved most. I’d planned to propose to him on Christmas day. I’d discussed it with my brother, Mikey, and he thought it was a great idea. I knew he liked Frank, as a friend of course. He’d said that he hoped we’d be together for a long time. I couldn’t not agree with him. We were--
A fast flash of jade green appeared in the corner of my eye, followed by the screeching of car tires. I yelled to Frank but I was too late. I saw Frank’s small body fly into the car, before he fell to the floor at a great force. I screamed and ran to him, not bothering to look both ways for cars, or make any attempt to stop the tears falling down my face as I looked down at Frank’s seemingly life-less bloody body.
---
Sunday, October 2nd 2011.
I wiped the few tears that rolled down my face as I recalled what happened that night a week ago. Mikey wrapped his arms around my shoulders and gradually brought me forward step by step. I tried to control my breathing like he was telling me to do, and eventually we made it inside the hospital. I was almost screaming with joy, until my surroundings eventually got the better of me. I started hyperventilating, my head became dizzy, and my legs were becoming weak. I couldn’t do it. Despite my best efforts to stay inside, I couldn’t. I ran. Out the entrance doors and to the small orchard on the other side of the parking lot.
I sunk onto the floor, my head buried in my knees. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I wouldn’t ever be able to see Frank. Not until he gets out, safe and sound. I don’t even know the extent of his condition. I only know that he’s in a coma, wired up to all these machines fighting to keep him alive.
“Gerard, it’s going to be okay. Listen to me” I heard my brother say from above me. “You are going to get over this. You are going to see Frank. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But you will. I promise.”
“Come on Gerard”
“I- I can’t Mikey…”
We were in the cold autumn weather outside the hospital on the west side of Belleville, New Jersey, just outside the entrance. It was the closest I’d gotten in the past week that Frank had been there, and I was heartbroken that I hadn’t seen him yet. Why you ask? Because the thought of going in scares me to death. The thought of walking around the same place numerous people have died terrifies me.
But the thing that terrifies me most is the fact that I might never be able to step foot in a hospital without having a panic attack. If it takes me a week to get to just the entrance it’ll take a hell of a lot longer for me to get inside. And during that time Frank might… well. You know.
He shouldn’t be in there. Fuck, no one should be in there but the fact that it’s Frank makes it a whole lot worse.
---
Sunday, September 25th 2011
It was that time of year again, autumn. I hated it. The fall was always so ugly. The trees no longer had their leaves and it was always cold; too cold for a light jacket, but too warm for something more.
Frank and I had been walking down the road after our date. It was our one year anniversary, so I decided to treat him to something special. I’d made reservations at La Sicilia Pizzeria and Café, one of the finest Italian restaurants in Belleville, and we were going to spend the rest of the evening curled up on the couch, watching our favourite films. Overall the dinner part of evening went well, and surprisingly, the weather when we left the restaurant wasn’t too bad, so we made the choice to walk back to our apartment.
We’d moved in together around 4 months ago. That was also a perfect night, but it wasn’t going to compare to this one.
We rounded a corner, holding hands and talking aimlessly about anything in our heads.
Those were the moments I enjoyed most; just being together without it having to be a big deal and without it being awkward.
“Hey, I fancy getting some ice cream for later” Frank mentioned dropping my hand. “I’ll be right back”
I nodded and kissed him on the nose before he made his way across the street to the small convenience store. Once he was inside, I sat down on the curb of the sidewalk pulling out a cigarette carton and lighting one of the cancer sticks up. I knew it was bad for me, and I knew I should stop. I probably would try to if I ever had a reason too.
A good five minutes later, Frank came out from the entrance, a small carrier bag in his hand. I hummed quietly to myself as Frank began to check the road for any approaching cars. I couldn’t wait to get home, to spend the rest of the evening with the man I loved most. I’d planned to propose to him on Christmas day. I’d discussed it with my brother, Mikey, and he thought it was a great idea. I knew he liked Frank, as a friend of course. He’d said that he hoped we’d be together for a long time. I couldn’t not agree with him. We were--
A fast flash of jade green appeared in the corner of my eye, followed by the screeching of car tires. I yelled to Frank but I was too late. I saw Frank’s small body fly into the car, before he fell to the floor at a great force. I screamed and ran to him, not bothering to look both ways for cars, or make any attempt to stop the tears falling down my face as I looked down at Frank’s seemingly life-less bloody body.
---
Sunday, October 2nd 2011.
I wiped the few tears that rolled down my face as I recalled what happened that night a week ago. Mikey wrapped his arms around my shoulders and gradually brought me forward step by step. I tried to control my breathing like he was telling me to do, and eventually we made it inside the hospital. I was almost screaming with joy, until my surroundings eventually got the better of me. I started hyperventilating, my head became dizzy, and my legs were becoming weak. I couldn’t do it. Despite my best efforts to stay inside, I couldn’t. I ran. Out the entrance doors and to the small orchard on the other side of the parking lot.
I sunk onto the floor, my head buried in my knees. I was sobbing uncontrollably. I wouldn’t ever be able to see Frank. Not until he gets out, safe and sound. I don’t even know the extent of his condition. I only know that he’s in a coma, wired up to all these machines fighting to keep him alive.
“Gerard, it’s going to be okay. Listen to me” I heard my brother say from above me. “You are going to get over this. You are going to see Frank. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But you will. I promise.”