The Hardest Part Of This Is Leaving You
The Hardest Part Of This Is Leaving You
Monday, October 10th 2011
The tears rolled down my face as Mikey’s words eventually sunk in, after hearing it a million times.
“W-what? How? He-- No!” I sobbed, the endless tears trailing down my cheeks and falling to the ground. The answer was obvious but I still couldn’t believe it.
Sunday morning, October 16th 2011.
Today was the day of Frank’s funeral. I’d lost him. I’d lost him forever and I hadn’t even seen him. I wasn’t there to hold his hand like a good boyfriend should have done. I wasn’t there to talk to him or keep him company even though the odds were he probably wouldn’t have heard me.
When I woke up last Monday morning to a phone call from Mikey, I wasn’t surprised. He’d been phoning me every morning to try and get me inside that hospital. But that time was different. His voice was different, more solemn and dry. In an instance I knew what happened.
I never thought things would turn out like this. We were supposed to get married, and grow old together. Possibly adopt a child, depending on what Frank wanted. I was definitely not expecting things to end this way.
Sunday afternoon, October 16th 2011.
I sat opposite his newly created grave, the sun shining bright above me, the complete opposite of how my world felt: dark. I imagined him here with me. Imagining that it was not his grave before me, but despite my best efforts, I knew deep down that he was never coming back. If he was here, I know he’d be mad at me. He’d be angry at me for not coming to see him.
I’m not mad at you.
His voice was going through my head, making it seem as though he was here with me, but the fact that I could not see him, and the fact that we had buried him just earlier today proved that he wasn’t.
“I miss you, Frankie,” I choked, closing my eyes and picturing Frank sitting beside me. “I’m so sorry.” Sure, it was kind of weird talking to thin air, but it brought me comfort, hoping that somehow, maybe he could hear me.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye properly. I tried. I tried every day to get in that hospital to you. Maybe if I was there you wouldn’t have-- you wouldn’t have died.”
It was a foolish thought I know, but I could have been there for him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t save you from that car. If I had, then you’d be here with me. Together.”
I sighed, and wiped away the tears falling, only for more to come rolling down.
“I was going to propose you know. Christmas day. I had it all planned, Frankie. I was going to take you to the park, the one where we first met. You were sat playing your guitar, do you remember? I thought you were the most breath-taking human being I’d ever seen. Well, you still are, to me. I remember you thought I was some criminal, with the way I was staring at you,” I chuckled at the memory, despite the waterfall flowing down my face. “But when you confronted me I just asked you out. I didn’t know your name, or anything about you. I just felt like I was meant to meet you, like we were two magnets and you were pulling me towards you. I was surprised you said yes actually, but I’m glad you did. Our relationship was perfect Frankie.”
“And now that’s all gone,” I choked. “I’m so, so sorry Frank. I don’t know how I’m going to go on without you. I can’t imagine a life without your smiling face brightening it up. I’ll never forget you Frankie, I just wish I had a chance to say goodbye.”
Do It now then. His voice echoed again.
“I love you Frankie, always,” I barely whispered.
“Goodbye.”
The tears rolled down my face as Mikey’s words eventually sunk in, after hearing it a million times.
“W-what? How? He-- No!” I sobbed, the endless tears trailing down my cheeks and falling to the ground. The answer was obvious but I still couldn’t believe it.
Sunday morning, October 16th 2011.
Today was the day of Frank’s funeral. I’d lost him. I’d lost him forever and I hadn’t even seen him. I wasn’t there to hold his hand like a good boyfriend should have done. I wasn’t there to talk to him or keep him company even though the odds were he probably wouldn’t have heard me.
When I woke up last Monday morning to a phone call from Mikey, I wasn’t surprised. He’d been phoning me every morning to try and get me inside that hospital. But that time was different. His voice was different, more solemn and dry. In an instance I knew what happened.
I never thought things would turn out like this. We were supposed to get married, and grow old together. Possibly adopt a child, depending on what Frank wanted. I was definitely not expecting things to end this way.
Sunday afternoon, October 16th 2011.
I sat opposite his newly created grave, the sun shining bright above me, the complete opposite of how my world felt: dark. I imagined him here with me. Imagining that it was not his grave before me, but despite my best efforts, I knew deep down that he was never coming back. If he was here, I know he’d be mad at me. He’d be angry at me for not coming to see him.
I’m not mad at you.
His voice was going through my head, making it seem as though he was here with me, but the fact that I could not see him, and the fact that we had buried him just earlier today proved that he wasn’t.
“I miss you, Frankie,” I choked, closing my eyes and picturing Frank sitting beside me. “I’m so sorry.” Sure, it was kind of weird talking to thin air, but it brought me comfort, hoping that somehow, maybe he could hear me.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say goodbye properly. I tried. I tried every day to get in that hospital to you. Maybe if I was there you wouldn’t have-- you wouldn’t have died.”
It was a foolish thought I know, but I could have been there for him.
“I’m sorry I didn’t save you from that car. If I had, then you’d be here with me. Together.”
I sighed, and wiped away the tears falling, only for more to come rolling down.
“I was going to propose you know. Christmas day. I had it all planned, Frankie. I was going to take you to the park, the one where we first met. You were sat playing your guitar, do you remember? I thought you were the most breath-taking human being I’d ever seen. Well, you still are, to me. I remember you thought I was some criminal, with the way I was staring at you,” I chuckled at the memory, despite the waterfall flowing down my face. “But when you confronted me I just asked you out. I didn’t know your name, or anything about you. I just felt like I was meant to meet you, like we were two magnets and you were pulling me towards you. I was surprised you said yes actually, but I’m glad you did. Our relationship was perfect Frankie.”
“And now that’s all gone,” I choked. “I’m so, so sorry Frank. I don’t know how I’m going to go on without you. I can’t imagine a life without your smiling face brightening it up. I’ll never forget you Frankie, I just wish I had a chance to say goodbye.”
Do It now then. His voice echoed again.
“I love you Frankie, always,” I barely whispered.
“Goodbye.”