My Hands

“I love you baby,” Chloe smiled warmly as her vibrant teal hues gazed up at the man she adored. Her wavy coco tainted hair fluttered in think locks with the cold winter breeze while the two walked hand in hand, fingers laced together. Her pale white skin sucked in the numbing warmth from Carlos' tanned skin. The two shared a passionate glance as the walked in the lightest downfall of snowflakes and crowds and oceans of unimportant people; at least to Chloe they were, she only saw him. Carlos, and the glittering rock that rested on a solid gold ring, wrapping around her left ring finger.

“Te amo tambein Amor.” Carlos let his Hispanic nature out as he confessed his love for Chloe with sweet Spanish murmurs. His pearly white smile flashed as he tugged on their laced fingers, pulling her closer to kiss her forehead.

Chloe's eyes remained fixated on Carlos' lips as his loving words rang in her ears, I love you too my love. She wasn't Spanish, but she had been with the love of her life since they were children. They learned to crawl together, walk together, went to the same schools together; then when they were old enough to understand it together, Chloe and Carlos fell in love together. She understood him perfectly, he could talk to her for hours with his Spanish tongue and she would understand every word of it; in fact, when they snuggled up in bed she would always ask him to talk to her in Spanish until she drifted away to her peaceful dreams. She would dream of how they fell in love, about how their kids would look, what house they would live in, what it would be like to proudly proclaim to the world that she was his, all his.

Carlos lead his new fiance around the corner toward their apartment. The snow under their boots slushed with ever set the perfect couple took. When he realized they were alone on the white glimmering sidewalk, Carlos released Chole and paced ahead of her; she just smiled because she knew what he was doing. He turned back to the beautiful girl he wanted to marry and spread his arms as he smiled; his charming accent sang, “Come on Amor, I'll catch you!”

Her heart fluttered and skipped beats, her lips arced in excitement, much like a little child. And she took off with her eyes locked on his orbs of cinnamon. She huffed a cloud of chilled breath as she pounced toward him. She reached out toward him, her hands ready to wrap around and embrace him. For her, time stopped as she hovered lower toward her man. Her eyes watched the diamond tinkle like a bright star, his beautiful hues glimmering with the rock to form a constipation love unconditional love. His arms slowly, very slowly started to sway back to catch her.. Her smile never fading, her heart always racing...

The alarm blared out harshly tearing Chloe away from her affectionate dream. Her pale white hands now reached up toward the empty back in her room. They quivered and shook as the reached up, expecting to catch Carlos, but only being touched by the lifeless air. She rested alone in the bed that she had shared with her love for countless years. She new they were coming again, and couldn't even try to hold them back; the tears rushed out of her lashes. She began to whimper silently as she dropped her hands to the bed; her hands came together while she turned to her side, the right index gently stroking the ring she never took off. Chloe cried for a few hours before she convinced her body to cooperate.

The tears stayed on her cheeks while the sheets flapped in the faint morning light. Chloe made the bed every morning, alone. Spread the sheets, flattened the pillows, tugged the blankets even, and glared down at it for minutes before moving on.

Her moist palm rubbed away the steam from the bathroom mirror, the warm fog still swirled around her naked frame. Emotional sapphire hues stared at the twin that stood in the soaked mirror. Brown strands of hair clumped together with wet pointed slabs. Every morning, Chloe stared herself down and would remember exactly how Carlos would wrap his hands around her. His right hand wrapping around from under her arm, across her chest and gently caressed her left shoulder. The left hand hugged her stomach just right, holding her hip bone gently as he would kiss her ear and whisper, “Te amo,” every morning after she showered away her drowsiness. Now she stood in the mirror with no hums of love in her ear, no gentle loving hands around her; just a lonely woman.

“I don't know Sophie,” The bed creaked as Chloe down on it, her cellphone pressed lightly against her ears, “It's just took soon.” Sadness cracking her voice.

“Chloe, it's been three years. I know you loved him and you still miss him sweetie, but do you really think that he would want you living like this? Carlos was my brother Chole, I know he loved you and I know how he was. He wanted you to be happy, that's all he ever wanted. He's up in heaven watching you right now, crying because you're not happy.”

Chloe fought the tears as long as her eyes would dare to, but they eventually gave in. Thinking that he was around, watching her, even though it wasn't physical, it was enough to make her feel him. She felt the warmth that he would radiate when he hugged her, she felt the tingling in her stomach when he would kiss you or tell her he loved her, but most of all, she felt that he was gone and he would never be back to hold her or kiss her or confess his love to her... Ever again. A heavy shuddering sigh escaped her lips while the lips licked down her cheeks, “Alright Sophie, I'll go out with the girls tonight.” Sophie said something, but Chloe didn't register it. The probable words of praise didn't help Chloe, she hated going out. The thought of having fun without Carlos sprouted the thought that she was moving on without him; that stabbed her heart with a cold blade of pain. Carlos was by her side her whole life, they did everything together; the idea of living a whole life without him was worse than the thought of death, she didn't fear death anymore. But that thought wasn't alone, Chloe had another reason why she hated going out, a reason she hadn't shared with her therapist, a reason she didn't tell anyone, a reason she even denied herself from. The reason that she would constantly see him, out in the world, out there. She would glance and see him walking, she would laugh and hear his chuckle, she would wait at a sidewalk and see him across the street. Once she bumped into him, nearly screamed in joy before she realized it was just a stranger.

Every time she began to build a wall from the pain, he would knock it down. Every time she told herself to shut the door to her past, he would knock on it and she would open it. Every time she promised no more tears, she would wake with her hands reaching out to him. The truth was, Chloe, couldn't move on, it wasn't an option. Even if she wanted to forget the only man she ever love, she knew she wouldn't; even though she wanted to move on and be happy because she knew that is what Carlos wanted, she knew she couldn't.. She couldn't forget him because Chloe couldn't forgive herself.

The door bell rang a third time, Chloe stood at the door with her shaking hand inches from the door. Her hair was graciously groomed in a loose bun with straightened locked on the sides. Her lips were glossed with a peach cream color, her eyes shadowed with a alluring deep purple mist. Her small thin frame was dressed in a beautiful mini dress with matching boots. Chloe was elegant, but she didn't even want to leave her small little world. A fourth chime called to her, this time she nodded to herself and gripped the knob; the tragic frown vanished as the door opened, her beautiful smile lied as she greeted, “Hey, sorry about that, I was just finishing up, let's go.” She walked out of her secluded world and joined her small group well dressed friends, Sophie was among them.

A soft giggle escaped Chloe for the first time in months when one of her friends finished her story. She hadn't thought about him, kept her head low and her eyes lower, she couldn't see him if she couldn't see anyone. The girls laughed and gossiped together as they sipped away their drinks. Minutes of giggles turned to hours of laughter and wild childish claps as they exchanged gossip and stories. Chloe had slowly shifted her head, joined them with their joy. She was actually happy and still hadn't thought about Carlos.

“Excuse me miss,” A man well dressed in a black suit leaned down, whispered to Chloe, his breath touched her shoulder before his hand gripped it, “May I have a dance with you?”

Chloe quickly jerked around and turned to the man, “Oh, Uhh.. N-No I'm actually..” Her left hand began to lift, ready to show off the gorgeous ring, but she stopped herself and hesitated her sentence.

One of the girls cut in, “Oh, Chloe, have a dance with the nice man.”

The man stood straight and caught sight of the ring Chloe started lifting, “Oh! I am sorry miss, I had no idea you were with someone.”

“Non-sense,” The eager friend pounced in, “it'll only be one small dance, right?”

Sophie was about to talk the man away, but to everyone's surprise, Chloe mumbled, “Y-Yeah, just a dance.” She stood up and took the man's hand before she walked away. Sophie, along with the rest of the group watched Chloe disappear into the dancing crowd with dropped jaws. In the crowd, the man lead Chloe to a open section before he turned to her, grasped her hip and hand then gave Chole a second to get ready before they started with the slow pace of the song. The beat of her heart was racing, but the man had nothing to do with it; this was Chloe's own challenge, she was trying to have fun on her own. Deep slow breaths filled her lung with the smell of his cologne. Her eyes glanced around everywhere but at him.

“I'm sorry if this is too weird for you miss.” The man kept a slow pace as the two swung around the floor, “I didn't know, and I didn't mean to put you on the spot.”

She glanced up at it, “Don't worry about it really, I don't mind one dance.” She turned away as she kept dancing; the man didn't try to question her skittish glances.

The song slowly shifted from a gentle pace to a close romantic lullaby. The people dancing slowly snuggled up into a hug like posture as the swayed with the song. The man followed the example slowly, embracing Chloe in his arms and resting his palms on her back.

Chloe instinctively pressed her hands against her chest as she rested her head on the man's shoulder, letting him sway her body as she closed her eyes. The instinct only took over for a second before her mind clicked. This... Isn't... Carlos... Her eyes instantly cracked open as her arms sprang. She glared up at the strange man, but found Carlos instead. Her dead love stood there with his arms spread wide, waiting for her, that beautiful smile on his lips. Both her hands twitched as they fought with Chloe; they wanted to reach up to Carlos, but she knew the truth, “I'm sorry! I have to go.” Some of the people had stopped dancing and watched Chloe push out of the dance floor, Sophie saw her rush out of the club.

“Chloe!” Sophie hurried out of the club and called out to Chloe. She saw Chloe stopped at a taxi and opening the door, “Wait Chloe please!” Sophie paced as quickly as she could toward Chloe. She managed to grip Chloe's arm before she had a chance to get into the cab, “Hey, hey! What happened?”

“Nothing,” by now Chloe was letting the tears rain down, “I don't want to be here! I just want to go home okay!” Her words whimpered as she cried. Her hands clasped her cheeks and caught the tears, “Please just let me go home.”

Sophie slowly hugged Chloe as she ran her hand down her back, “Alright sweetie, alright.” She slowly helped Chloe sit down in the cab's back seat, “I'm coming with you okay, get you home and to bed.” Chloe only nodded and slid aside, letting Sophie in. Once Sophie was in, she shut the door and hugged Chole, “Take us to the Greenleaves apartments please...” The entire car ride was silent, only Chloe's whimpers and Sophie's constant, “Shhhhhhh” was heard. After a grueling car ride, Sophie helped Chloe out of the car and handed the man a few bills. Once they were back in Chloe's world, Sophie sat her down on the bed, “Hey, we're here okay? We're home. What happened?”

Chloe's crying had calmed but there were still tears flowing and her voice still cracked, “I... It's just... I don't know okay... I just want to be alone.” The hands formed into weak fists as they rubbed her smeared eyes.

“This isn't healthy Chloe, I just wanted-”

“Can you please leave me alone? Please?”

Sophie felt guilty, she was the one that put the poor girl in this pain. Chloe was just like a sister, would have been too. She sighed as she slowly leaned down and kissed Chloe's head, “Yeah I'll go. Shower and get to bed okay?” Chloe just nodded, “Good, and call me tomorrow so I know you're okay.”

Chloe nodded up at Sophie, “I will... Thanks.”

With that, Sophie left the apartment, left Chloe alone in her world of nothing. The place was quite while she cried silently. Hours passed by before she stood up and began her routine. She locked the apartment door, found her usual pajamas, showered, stared at the steamed empty mirror, then went to bed. She rested on the cold empty bed, her left hand reached over towards his side, found nothing. More tears crawled out of her lashes as she subconsciously reminded herself like she did every night for the past three years. She rubbed the ring gently and whispered, “It's my fault... I'm so sorry...”

… … … … … ...She slowly drifted to sleep, had the same dream... … … … … …
Her hands reached up every night, never reaching him...