Why Can't I Remember?

A repressed Memory; Psychology dictates or hypothesize, that when a traumatic event happens to human being, the body…our bodies often suppresses the memories so that we may not recall these frightening events, therefore making us ‘forget’ in which the subject or patient blocks out the painful or traumatic times they have endured for they are too much for them to bear physically and mentally. This is not the same as amnesia for amnesia you forget and have no recollection what so ever, most of the time, you will never remember your lost memories. However in a repressed memory the memories come back slowly or sometimes they ambush you in times you are less likely to predict and when they come back, they come back with vengeance. I should know this happened to me;

I was 8 years old when I saw my parents die before my very own eyes.

My name is Hope Rivendell and I am what the doctors called a case of an acute repressed memory. I have no recollection of what happened when my parents were brutally murdered in front of me me. No one talks about what happened…nor are they allowed. I was simply told my parents had abandoned me when I was 8 years old; I lived 10 years believing this. You see the doctors told everyone not to talk about it, because those memories may be too much for me to endure, therefore if I remembered everything, they may be harmful because I don’t recall having parents. It’s like my mind wiped out that whole section of my life. However in my dreams there are those flashes that jump into my head; the picture of an older woman who looks like me laughing, the sight of a man kissing my forehead goodnight, I didn’t know what they meant, well…That was until I turned 18 in my senior year of high school when the scenes of blood and tears started to haunt me not only while I slept but also when I was awake.

I moved with my aunt and uncle when I was 8; she was the only one who actually 'wanted' me, I guess everyone else was too scared that my parent’s murderer would come back for me. Her name is Ileana and my uncle’s name is Adam with their son Sebastian (Bez) who is the same age as me. They somewhat opened a welcoming door for me, thus resulting in my moving to Scottsdale Arizona from Michigan, I sometimes feel like an intruder…all I ever feel is a wide void where my heart used to be. As I grew up I went to Horizon High School, I was awkward and I didn’t trust anyone and hardly let anyone in…I was just invisible, then Kellan noticed me as my memories came back to me in my senior year of High school that’s when it all started…But I’m getting ahead of myself forgive me, but here this is my story;

**********************************************************************************

“Mommy, there’s a man looking at us through the window” A small girl whispered as she looked out the window towards the tree in the front yard.
“You and your imagination Hope... come on let’s get ready for bed, then daddy will tuck you in” The woman kissed the little girl’s forehead lovingly.
“But mommy-”
“What are you doing here!?” the little girl and the woman jumped at the booming outburst from downstairs.
“Stay here Hope!” The woman urged and ran down the stairs to see what was happening; the little girl snuck behind and heard a woman’s terrified scream, as she craned her neck she saw her father and mother.
“You have no right I won-” as the little girl’s father almost finished the sentence a bullet found her father’s chest, sending him tumbling down.

Hope woke up with a start as a scream escaped her lips, her chest heaved as she gasped trying to absorb precious air to fill her lungs and slow her rapid beating heart. She lifted a trembling hand to her forehead, feeling her damp clammy skin that was beaded with sweat. Shaking she wondered what this dream meant, for it wasn’t the first time that she had dreamt of the blonde beauty with compassionate green eyes or the man with raven hair and brown eyes.

The twinge in her heart informed her that they were important but Hope was more confused than ever, she had never met these people before... What befuddled her mind more was that the little girl in her dreams had the same name as her, not only that but as the same raven hair and forest green eyes, but how could it be her? Who were those familiar strangers? And how did she know them as a child? As a sob escape her lips. Hope felt weak as the oncoming migraine sprung into her head as though its sole purpose was to make her miserable for an eternity.
“Oh God…” Hope moaned clutching her head, her ears still rung from the gunshot in her dream, It had seemed so real…Too real. It was as though she had been there herself. Hope opened her drawers and found some of her aspirin, gulping it down with a cool glass of water that she always kept at her bedside. The cool water rushed down her throat soothing away the furnace like fire she felt burning on the inside. She always felt like this after one of her bizarre nightmares.

Hope reluctantly glanced towards the alarm clock and saw that it was 3 a.m, groaning once more she realized that indeed on the morrow she would have to start her senior year of high school, much to her dismay…It wasn’t that she didn’t like school actually she loved it, what she hated however was how people treated each other in the most ludicrous manner.
Hope heard footsteps coming up the stairs, probably Bez, the thought of her cousin sent another rush of sadness through her.

Bez was blatantly ashamed of her, ashamed of her for her unsociable characteristics or her lack of enthusiasm to enjoy the ‘finer’ things in life which to her standards drinking, partying and sleeping around wasn’t the finer things, but according to Bez they were....
Hope sighed, Bez was a great cousin when they were younger but as he grew up and became popular he distanced himself from her, only 10 years ago they were together all the time like best friends. However once they step into Horizon high school he would ignore her and sometimes publically humiliate her all because he was popular.

At first she didn't care much for it, however what affected her emotionally was that he didn’t let anyone know they were related…He was perhaps too ashamed. Hope felt her cheeks heat up, nobody wanted her, no one truly liked her, why her own parents abandoned her at the tender age of 8! she is somewhat awkward towards her aunt and uncle but worst of all her cousin despised being related to a low life such as she. Hope couldn’t blame Bez, she was like an intruder in this house, she was hardly noticed in both home and school, she was almost invisible...

“Hope stop screaming will you?” Bez’s masculine annoyed voice jolted her gaze to the door, which still remained closed as he stood on the outside.
“I just had another nightmare Bez…” She said a voice a bit hoarse from the crying,
“So? How is that my problem? I need to sleep!” Bez said contemptuously, making Hope felt weak why did her hate her so much? They were best friends when they were younger.
“I’m sorry Bez” She sobbed.
“Okay yea whatever, well I better get some rest, big day at school tomorrow.” Bez said in a chipped tone that sent a shudder through her, tomorrow he would be the jock that would taunt dorks…dorks like her.

“Night…” She whispered as she heard the shuffling of footsteps away from her room. As Hope closed her eyes she prayed that she would be able to fall asleep again, the picture of the man and woman flashed in her mind again making a single tear course down her cheek. Her head buzzed with the one question she yearned but could not answer; who are you?