My Little Star

After a very long, very loud goodbye, I ended my Skype call with Ryan and Kelly, stowing my laptop under the bench and staying where I was for a while, just looking around.

La push was undeniably beautiful. There were trees and green grass everywhere; something you didn’t see very much of in the big city. It was a nice change, I had to admit, but there was also a small pull in my heart for the loss of all the perks that came with the city life.

I sat on the bench swing for a while just thinking, when I heard the front door open behind me. I glanced over my shoulder, expecting to see Paul or Jake and doing a double take when I saw a shirtless and barefooted Sam standing there instead. Was he home the entire time?

He smiled at my reaction as he leaned against the doorframe, responding to my confused glance immediately. “I came through the back door.”

“Right,” I muttered, nodding slowly. That made more sense. I looked back up to him with an easy smile. “How are you, Sammy?”

He chuckled at him newly adopted nickname and walked across the porch, plopping down next to me on the wooden swing. “I’m pretty good, tired.”

I let out a laugh that wasn’t supposed to be nearly as sarcastic as it sounded. “Yeah, same.”

Sam was quiet for a minute and I could feel his eyes on me. I knew Jake probably told him about my sleeping problem, as, he had warned me ahead of time that it was really tough for him to keep secrets from Sam, but I didn’t really mind. I was just glad that Sam wasn’t freaked out by it.

Finally, he spoke up. “You know that Jake told me.”

It was more of a statement than a question, so I just nodded.

He was looking down at me the way an older brother would look at his sister and it warmed my heart. “We want to help you, and it would be much easier to do that if the other guys knew.”

I panicked a bit, shaking my head quickly. “No Sam, please. It’s so hard for me to make friends and I’m actually shocked that I get on so well with the boys and I really want it to stay that way.”

“And it will stay that way,” he told me calmly, placing a hand on my shoulder. Stella, I trust these boys with my life and I know them like them back of my hand. So when I tell you that I know it will not make a difference, I mean it. They wont see you any differently, I can promise you that. The worse they can do is try to help. So please, just give them a chance; let us try.”

I nodded slowly. He had hit the nail right on the head with that one; I was worried to death that the boys would treat me differently when they found out all the things that were wrong with me, and even worse, I was worried that Paul would treat me differently.

Sam saw my slight hesitation and kept talking. “You don’t even have to be there to tell them. I’ll have Jake take you to get clothes from your house and I could tell them myself.”

“Okay,” I told him slowly, “I trust you, I trust them. But Sam, it’s going to take a lot more than a bed time story and a glass of warm milk to get me to sleep.” I wanted to warn him ahead of time that this plan he had in mind wasn’t going to be a walk in the park.

“That’s alright, we’ll do whatever it takes.” He smiled and threw an arm around my shoulder. “Don’t you worry. Once the rest of the guys get here with Kim, you and Jake will go get your stuff and then you can come back and join our man sleepover.”

I choked on a laugh. “I’m sorry, ‘man sleepover’?”

He laughed with me, nodding confidently. “Of course. What else would we call it?”

“Oh, I could name I few things.”

Sam glared at me playfully, his voice almost challenging me. “I’m sorry, what was that? I didn’t quite hear you.”

Never passing up a challenge, I shook my head quickly, giving an innocent smile. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. Are you hearing things, Sammy? It might be your old age getting to you.”

“Oh, now your gonna get it!” He leaped at me with an evil grin and I screamed, laughing as I shot up and ducked under him, running into the house.

I could hear Sam behind me as I got to the kitchen, laughing and panting. My eyes landed on Paul and i darted forward, hiding behind him as he looked at Sam and I like we were crazy.

Jake and Emily were both still in there as well, watching the scene unfold with amused expressions.

Sam approached the both of us, that same evil grin still in place, as he got closer. “C’mon, little bro, you can’t hide behind Paul forever.”

“Oh yes I can.” I told him, brushing off the nickname and wrapping my arms around Paul’s waist from my spot behind him, using him as my own personal shield and trying my best to ignore how close I was to his butt.

Paul laughed and twisted himself so he could look at me without detaching my arms from him. “What did you do?”

“He can’t prove anything, and therefore has no exceptional reason to tickle me like he planned to.” I told him quickly, turning my head back to Sam to poke my tongue out at him.

“Who said I was going to tickle you?” He asked me innocently, holding his hands up as a sign of surrender.

I narrowed my eyes at him playfully, speaking in a professional voice. “Fine. I’ll let it slide this time, but next time you jump at me I will be notifying my body guard immediately.”

He laughed and Paul looked down at me again, laughing lightly as well. “Am I the body guard?”

I smiled up at him cheekily and nodded, releasing him and dropping my arms.

Paul chuckled and shook his head at me, just as the front door opened and a parade of large boys entered the house. I was surprised that the only shirtless man in the room was Sam; it must have been a record.

In seconds the kitchen went from moderately noisy to mass chaos as various greetings were exchanged and everyone that had just entered shed their shoes by the door, dropping backpacks next to them and then finding a spot to sit as Emily passed out cookies.

Through the noise, my eyes met Sam’s and he nodded toward Jake, who was also looking at me. I nodded at Jake and he made his way through everyone, disappearing out the front door.

Chewing on my lip nervously, I looked up at Paul, who had been standing next to me, watching Jake as well, with a confused look. Our eyes met for a few seconds and I got that warm feeling you get in your stomach when you have a big gulp of steaming tea after a stressful day.

I broke Paul’s gaze and squeezed past a few large yelling bodies until I got out the front door and to Sam’s pick up truck, where Jake was waiting for me.

I slipped in the passenger side and shot Jacob an easy smile.

He returned the favor and pulled out of the driveway. “So, are you ready for a good night sleep?”

I scoffed and shot him an incredulous look.

Jake’s face changed suddenly, as if he had something to say but he wasn’t sure if he should say it.

“What is it?” I asked him carefully, hoping he would talk to me and afraid I had somehow upset him.

“It’s just…could you explain it to me?” he voice was soft and hesitant, like he didn’t want to hurt my feelings.

I had to admit, the question did surprise me a bit, but I wasn’t offended by it; it was normal to be curious.

“You mean my insomnia?” I wanted to make sure we were both on the same page before I said anything.

He nodded slowly, glancing at me and then back at the road.

I pursed my lips, trying to figured out how to word it. “Do you ever get that feeling the night before a big day, like the day before the first day of school or something? That feeling in your stomach that makes you so anxious about the next day that you can’t even think about sleep, no matter how tired you are?”

He nodded again. “Yeah, I know that feeling.”

I stared out my window as I continued, watching the trees pass me in a blur of green. “Well that’s how I feel every night. Like no matter how badly my body needs the sleep, my mind can’t shut off. I’ll think about all the wrong things or even nothing at all and I just won’t sleep. When I do sleep, it isn’t restful. I’m either half conscious the entire time or I have nightmares. Bad ones.”

“What happens when you have a nightmare?” The tone in his voice changed slightly, but I couldn’t put my finger on how.

“Well, I’m not sure. Ryan tells me that I scream and kick, and scratch things; like I’m possessed or something.” I told him with a shrug, remembering back on the stories he used to tell me.

Jacob’s eyebrows furrowed, staring out the windshield with a concentrated look on his face. “You mean you don’t remember doing any of that stuff?”

“Nope.” The ‘p’ at the end of the word popped slightly as I shook my head.

“So then, how do you know if you’ve had a nightmare?” he asked me as he turned onto my street.

I frowned, trying my best to explain it without feeling like I was experiencing it . “I just know, I guess. I’ll wake up sweaty and out of breath with this empty feeling inside of me; like I’m completely alone, and always will be.”

Now Jake just looked sad. “Say you were having a nightmare, is there anything I could do?”

I shook my head slowly as the truck got closer to my house. “My papa’s good friend is a psychologist. He asked her that same question and she said it was very unhealthy for a person’s mental health to wake them up from a violent nightmare; it could cause permanent damage.”

As we pulled into my empty driveway, Jake huffed, looking over at me with determination in his brown eyes. “Well, we’ll figure something out, so don’t worry.”

I just smiled at him, touched at how hard he was trying.

“Run in and grab your stuff, I’ll wait here.”

I nodded and shot him a smile before hopping out of the truck and skipping to my front door.

The house was empty, with my brother being at day care and my mom off somewhere doing something unbeknownst to me. It was quiet when I walked in, which was a first, but the other thing that was weird, was that all the lights were on. If my mom was a Nazi about anything, it was turning the light off when you left a room.

I walked up the stairs and saw that the trend didn’t stop there. The lights were on upstairs as well, and as I got to the top and down the hallway, I noticed my mom’s bedroom door was partially open.

My curiosity got the best of me and I poked my head inside, looking around. The room was empty of human life, as I suspected but most definitely not empty of items. There were clothes strewn everywhere and unpacked boxes piled lazily against the walls. The bed wasn’t made up and the side table was adorned with trash and piles of papers.

I was about to turn my head away and leave the room when something caught my eye. I furrowed my brow and moved closer, my blood beginning to boil when I realized exactly what it was.

Sitting on the bedside table, hidden poorly by a stack of old papers was an old, dirty looking needle and a silver spoon.

I forced myself to remain calm, remembering how far my anger had pushed me earlier in the day. With that on my mind, I shoved the papers to the side and very carefully took the needle and spoon off the table, making my way back down stairs. When I got there, I drop the dirty tools into an airtight bag, wrapped that in an old dish rag and tossed the whole thing in the trash.

When that was taken care of, I quickly made my way back up the stairs and threw a bag together, not wanting Jacob to wait too long for me.

As I was angrily throwing my things into a bag, I allowed myself to think for a few minutes. How could she do this again? She promised she would stop for Austin. What else was she lying about? Where was she getting those things? Is that where she is when she disappears for hours? The questions were just making it worse because I didn’t know how to answer them.

So instead of thinking anymore I retreated back out to Jake. I tried my best to look as happy as possible, but I guess I wasn’t too good at that, because as soon as I got in the car, Jake was asking me what was up. "Are you okay? What happened?"

“Jake really, I’m trying to limit myself to one mental breakdown per day. Can we not talk about this right now?” My tone was only half joking.

He chuckled and rolled his eyes at me. “Fine, tomorrow then.”

I huffed. “You’re such a twat.”

I shot me that cheeky grin of his. “Yes, but you love me for it.”

“Only on Tuesdays.”