More Than Rain

Joel catches on to my sourness quickly, and without asking any questions of why I'm acting the way I am, he just accepts something isn't good at this moment and he musters up an obviously faked smile and goes home.
So I go inside with this new feeling of content.
Like finally I'm in control of all my feelings.
So I control my feelings to remove any feelings for Joel out of my body...and they do.
Now I can focus on Samuel and just Samuel.

"About time you come inside sweetie," my mother says when I pass her on the couch to sit down.
"Yup," I say popping the 'P' and keeping my eyes lazily on the tv show playing.
"So what did you and Joel talk about?" she asks. I can see out of the corner of my eye that she's looking at me.
I sigh silently. "Actually I kind of gave him the cold shoulder. So he just went home,"
I see my mother frown slightly. "Why would you go and do that Camden?"
I groan and shift myself on the couch.
"Mother I'm trying to get myself in check with all my feelings okay? And it's kind of hard to do just that when you're questioning me about my feelings. Honestly I didn't know what the heck my feelings really were but I do now. I feel a little bad now after being cold to Joel, I really do but I couldn't help it . I had to make myself dislike him. I had to. I'll apologize tomorrow okay?" I say.

My mother is silent for a secend, probably taking in and carefully thinking about every word I said.
"Sweetie," she begins with her lecture. "I'm sorry I've been involving myself with your relationship and making you feel like you have to prove to me that you got everything under control when it comes to Joel and Samuel, but sweetie you don't need to prove anything to me. Things look a little different to me, I'm just outside looking in. But you..honey you actually have the inside perspective, you know what's going on inside that pretty little head of yours,"
She stops to take a breath in and sighs. "Sweetie you're the only person you need to prove anything to. And I know you feel like you've finally got everythign under control , but if you feel like you actually have to push Joel out of your life just to prove to yourself all you want is Samuel then maybe you need to rethink all your purposes and actions. Maybe you still haven't gotten a grip on just what it is you feel yet. Sweetie I just don't want you ruining friendships because you're driving yourself insane with all this feeling crap,"

My mother pats my leg and goes up to bed.
I groan into a couch pillow.
finally I was feeling on top of everything.
I was feeling content.
And all that content just went up in the air like smoke.
My mother was right.
And I was back to being that girl who's unknown feelings were driving herself insane and over the edge slowly.