More Than Rain

Somehow within a half hour of Joel leaving thanks to my sourness to him and my mother talking me back into my pit of feelings I had wound up on the couch, faced to face with an over dramatic reality show, lights dimmed and surrounded by a few burnt pieces of popcorn.
I wasn't even focusing on the show.
Instead I was just letting my eyes focus on the tv absentmindedly while my attention was actually placed on thoughts of how I was going to balance myself out.
I stay there a good couple of hours, just staring at the light of different shows going on, going off.
Eventually I battled myself mentally before groaning loudly and hopping off the couch.
I didn't exactly know what my plan was or what I was doing but I grabbed a light hoodie and crept out of my house.

As soon as I stepped on my porch the star lit sky of eleven oclock shines on the street, giving me just enough light to see through my dark neighborhood.
I bounce softly and silently down my steps and walk the sidewalk down the street.
I reach Joel's driveway and stop in front of it.
"You really want to do this Camden? He probably hates your guts," I huff to myself.
"Doesn't matter you're doing it anyway,"I snap at myself, and make my way up his driveway.
Once I find myself in front of his door, I rekindle everything that has led me up to this point.
How I had absolutely adored Joel and how I had found Samuel and how I had made myself push Joel away so I could prove to myself that Samuel was what I wanted not Joel..how I had dragged myself to this moment just to figure out if pushing Joel away was the right thing.
Although now standing at Joel's doorstep, at eleven pm really made me think what my purpose was.
Did I feel bad for pushing Joel away?
Did I finally realize that there was no reason Joel needed to be pushed away and that he was no threat to Samuel and I's realtionship?
Did I finally figure out just what my emotions were.
Or did I just now realize that maybe everything I've been worrying about was worth worrying about?

I shush my thoughts and judgements and knock swiftly so I don't have time to let my worries drag me down off this porch and all the way home.
And I wait...and wait and wait.
No answer, so I pull a fast and cliche movie move and pick up a few rocks and toss them at Joel's window, only in my reality Joel doesn't wake up to the sound of tiny rocks hitting his window.
I sigh and send a quick thank you to god for not making me confront my issues just yet.
But as I walk down Joel's driveway, ditching the rest of the little rocks in my hand I hear the faint sound of a door open.
"Oh come on!"I seethe quietly, turning around to face a bed headed Joel.
He stands there, on his dark porch, face barely noticable in the dark, as he leans back against the door frame.
"Can I help you Camden?" He questions.
And just as I suspected he would be, his attitude towards me is a little sour due to my sourness to him earlier.