The Kind of Hoax That Leaves a Lump in Your Throat

I needed to get my head on straight, which meant I needed a good nights sleep. I’d slept on the sofa for the last few nights, well I say slept; I’d just laid there with my eyes shut.

As soon as I got home from being with Charlie and liana I rushed straight up to my room. I’d never really been one to keep things clean, and to say my room was a mess was an understatement. There were clothes covering the floor, both joshes and mine, my bed was unmade and it just looked like a bomb had hit it.

So I got to tidying.

I opened the window to let some fresh air in, and then plugged my iPod into the dock, blasting The Smiths to help me through it. I picked up all the clothes that were on the floor and dumped them onto my bed, before sorting them out into what were josh’s and what were mine, and then what was clean and what was dirty. I put all the clean stuff away and all the dirty stuff in the washing machine.

Next it was shoes and just general crap that I needed to find a home for, and once that was done, I made my bed. I swear I hadn’t seen it that clean since we’d moved in.

I could still smell him though. It was like he was still here. I half expected him to come out of the en suit complaining about running out of shower gel.

I rummaged through my draws and found an old bottle of perfume that I sprayed around, trying to mask the smell, and after about half the bottle it worked. Now the room was clear, I could sleep tonight and have a good old think tomorrow.

I spent the rest of the day tidying up around the house, doing things that I kept forgetting to do. It was kinda nice to not have people coming in and out all day so I was bale to get a lot more done than I thought I would, and I was hoping it would tire me out so I could sleep that night.

I put on my favourite pyjama’s, tied my hair up and got a cup of tea, before settling down. The past nights I’d missed josh more than during the day because it really hit me then that he wasn’t here.

You’re distracted in the day, but at night it’s just you, your thoughts and silence.

Josh should be here. Yeah I know he’s on tour and wouldn’t have been here anyway, but still. I missed how he used to hold me and how the sounds of him sleeping made me fall asleep too. I missed how his fingers would run though my hair and how he used to trace patterns on my skin.

I know I said I’d think about josh tomorrow, but I seemed to have decided right there and then. Even though he hurt me in more ways than I thought possible, he was the one I wanted here making things better. But I’d told him it was over and now he was never coming home to me.

I checked my phone to see if he’d tried to call or text or anything, but I was met with a black screen. I placed my phone back down and buried my head into the pillows.

I’d think about this tomorrow.

Sleep eventually came, and when it did I was thankful for it. I must have needed it because I woke up a half 2 in the afternoon the next day. My eyes were red and swollen and my nose was blocked so I must have been crying in my sleep. Good one. My eyes began to water again just thinking about him, but I bit my lip and willed the tears to stay in my eyes.

I love josh, God knows I do, but I hated how he had this hold over me. How he could leave and I’d be reduced to snot and tears.

After yesterday, I thought I’d be able to get more done today, but my productivity seemed to have vanished. I spent the rest of the afternoon watching soppy films, which I knew was a bad idea, but I just wanted cry and I wanted a reason for it, not just because I was a fuck up.

At about half 11, I went back up to bed and having not changed from my pyjamas I just slipped back under the covers. I’d been crying all day so my eyes looked even worse than this morning but no one was here so I didn’t mind.

The days seemed to be passing by so slowly. I mean it was only Tuesday but it felt as if it was Saturday. I lay there for a few hours waiting for exhaustion to take over, but it never came.

I checked my phone again, telling myself it was for the time but really I was looking to see if he’s called. He hadn’t. It was 3am now. And I knew I wasn’t getting any sleep so I just rolled onto my side, buried my head into the sheets and tried to think of nothing.

The door opened downstairs and I felt as if I should be alarmed, but I was too tired to care. I remembered then that coral said she would be coming home early today and my nerves eased.

I heard her shut the door quietly and then she come up the stairs. But she walked right passed her room and down the hallway until she was outside mine. I figured she was just checking up on me and the door opened slightly.

I pretended I was asleep, which wasn’t that hard since I was facing away from the door, but coral came right into my room and shut the door behind her. When I heard a sniff I realised it wasn’t actually coral.

“Violet?” I heard someone whisper. The sounded like they had a cold, but I knew who the voice belonged to right away. I sat up and turned to face them as they sat on my bed, and even in the dark I could see they’d been crying.

“Josh?” I mumbled and I felt him reach for my hand.

“vi I’m so sorry” he croaked and I couldn’t take it anymore. I flung myself at him, and his arms came around me. Real and strong. I held onto him for dear life and he held me back with just as much force.

I’m not to sure how long we’d sat there for, but I pulled back slowly and josh quickly turned on the bedside light. A warm orange glow filled the room and I noticed josh’s cheeks were wet and his eyes slightly bloodshot. He took one look at me and I saw the pain that flooded his face.

“violet please, you have to forgive me” he pleaded as he wiped the tears from my face.

“What are you doing here; you’re not supposed to be back until Friday”

“I made them cancel the last few shows, I had to be with you, I have to make this right”

“you cancelled shows for me? josh you’ve never cancel shows”

“I know, but I had to. I couldn’t stand being there knowing what I’d done to you” he said and pulled me back into him arms. “I really don’t know what’s going on with me, but it’ll never happen again I promise” he said.

My mind was racing now. I thought with josh being away would make my head clear so it was easy to think but it actually just clouded my vision because I missed him so much. Now he was here I felt as if I knew what I wanted to say, even though it might hurt, I had to be truthful.

“You said that the last time this happened josh and now look where we are. Feels like a bit of a déjà vu huh?” I whispered and when I looked at him he’d scrunched his eyes together like he was in pain.

“What are you saying then? You don’t what us to be together?” he asked and he sounded completely miserable. He looked so broken, but I’d rather tell him how I feel now then let it fester and just make it worse next time. There are some things that just needed to be said.

“God no josh, don’t be stupid, of course I want to be with you. I just… I don’t know. We’ve got problems that can’t be fixed with a few “im sorry’s” here and there. This is gonna take time” I explained. “when you love someone josh, it should be easy. I remember when it used to be so easy to love you. But lately I don’t really know what’s happened. Everything’s so intense and all I seem to be doing is crying. That not how I imagined us being”

“It’s me that’s making us like this. I can’t seem to grasp the fact that I have to share you sometimes.” he said, and with that he reached into his back pocket and pulled out the promise ring that I’d given him back. He sighed deeply and then took my left hand in his. “I can’t imagine being with anyone else Vi infact I don’t want to be with anyone else. Will you please marry me?”

It felt like my world had suddenly caved in. my heart was screaming for me to say yes. I mean it was josh, the only guy I could ever see myself being with ever, but that little voice in the back of my head was questioning it.

I sat there in silence, not knowing what to say, and his face seemed to be falling with every passing second. It made my heart hurt to see him like this and I rested my hand on his cheek. I knew what I wanted to say, it was just getting it out right that mattered. I looked back at him and he seemed to be waiting for what I was about to say like his life depended on it. I placed my hand over his and readied myself for what I was about to say. This could either ruin us, or he would understand. I was hoping for the latter.

“Josh. I love you so much. I always have. But marriage is such a big step and I don’t think I’m ready for it just yet.” I explained but josh’s face fell even further. “I get what your saying josh but I just don’t think it’s right for us to do this now. We’re what, seven months into this. We’ve got so much time, and you already have me josh, I’m not going anywhere”

Josh’s head fell, and my heart seemed to fall with it. I wrapped my arms around his neck and he held me to him too.

“Your the sweetest my perfect guy ive ever met josh, it just doesn’t feel right now. im so sorry josh” I mumbled and he shook his head before looking back at me.

“no I’m sorry. We’ve just been moving so fast I guess. Maybe we need to slow it down a notch.” I nodded in agreement and josh leant in, placing his lips on mine.

I hadn’t realised how much I’d missed his touch until then. It was only a quick kiss, but it told me all I needed to know. He pulled away and brushed some hair out of my face before standing up.

“I’ll make this right violet. You’ll see. Ive got some things to sort out, but I’ll be back soon”

“what at half 3 in the morning?” I asked and he smiled for the first time that night.

“just go back to sleep love. I’ll be back soon.” He left a light kiss on my forehead before leaving my room and going out the front door.

For some reason I had a bad feeling about whatever he was doing.