Sharpen Your Knives and Prepare for War

Do you ever want a fresh start?
Just end it all to start all over again?
I do, I really fucking do.

But that's not the way it works.
Life doesn't let you start over.
So I don't end mine.
I come close.
But I never do.

I remember the night I first cut.
I was crying.
My mother was sleeping.
I was sitting in my room.
The blade pressed to my skin.
I cried as I cut.
Not because of the physical pain.
But the emotional pain.

My heart hurts.
My mind hurts.
My whole body just aches.
But none of it is physical.
It's all emotional.

No one understands.
That's not what really sucks.
I don't want the sympathy.
That just hurts more.
I don't want them to know.
Because then they think you're weird.
Because they don't understand.
So they give you their sympathy.
Because they feel bad.
Because they don't understand.

I have my idols.
My heroes.
I haven't met any of them.
A few of them I can't meet.
Because their dead.
Most of them destroyed themselves.
That's not comforting.

But six of them are still alive.
They are my heroes.
My idols.
I just want to cry into their arms.
But more than anything I just want the chance to say hi.
But I know I'd probably cry.

I just wish I could have a fresh start.
I wouldn't have to depend on them so much.
Not that I mind.
They great people.
But I want to be able to stand on my own.
They all say I'm strong, I can do it.
But they don't know how much they've helped.
With just words.
Just by being themselves.

I don't want this to hurt so much.
This whole living process.
But I don't kill myself.
Not yet.
I don't want to.
I just want a fresh start.
An escape.
An escape from the emotional pain.

I'm saving that escape.
I'm saving it for the breaking point.
When I fall for the last time.
When I can't take it anymore.

I don't know when that's going to be.
I hope it never comes, honestly.
I just want to leave this town, this state.
Start a new life.
Work on my art, my passion.

But something tells me I'm not going to make it.
I hope I'm wrong.

I really fucking do.

I've never wanted to be wrong so bad before.