Letting Go

When Jimmy rolled up to the church in his silent BMW, he saw many people he didn't know. They were all dressed extremely nice, making him feel very self conscious. Sure, he was in a nice tuxedo too, but they looked like they all belonged in nice clothes. With Jimmy being six foot, littered with tattoos, and slightly teased hair, well, he didn't think he was going to fit in.

But that was expected.

Jimmy parked his car, and turned it off. He took a nice, deep breath, mustering up all of the courage inside of himself. Jimmy fixed his hair and eyeliner one last time, and exited his car. Some people looked, but it didn't bother him much. Like said before; he didn't belong here. But dammit, he would go through any amounts of embarrassment or ridicule to make Johnny happy.

A couple faces Jimmy didn't expect to see was his own friends'. Matt had his arm around Valary's waist, and they were mingling among some people Jimmy didn't know. Brian and Zacky were farther off, away from most of the people, making out roughly. Zacky had always been a whore. He didn't know why the guys still hung out with him.

Matt noticed Jimmy first, and from the expression on his face, he was surprised; appalled even, to see that Jimmy was there. Jimmy gave Matt a friendly, two fingered salute, and was on his way to find Johnny.

Jimmy walked into the church to find more people mingling. Jimmy looked around, skimming all the signs on the doors. He figured the one marked Do Not Enter was the way to go. He walked around the pews and poked his head in the door.

When he found Johnny standing there, fixing his tie in the mirror, he smiled. Johnny looked so good today. His short stature looked really good in the black tuxedo. His mohawk was pointed to perfection, and- as bad as it sounded- his slacks framed his butt perfectly.

Jimmy slipped inside the room, earning a light click from the door.

"Hey can't you read the do-" Johnny stopped barking at the unknown stranger, when he noticed the stranger was Jimmy. "Jimmy." He stated, slightly shocked. "You... You came," He finished with a smile, and turned to view the taller man fully.

"'Course I came, why wouldn't I?" Jimmy replied, stepping closer to his ex-boyfriend.

"I don't know," Johnny answered lamely. After a second of silence, Johnny mumbled, "How do I look?" He looked up at Jimmy through his eyelashes, embarrassed for asking such a girly question. Sure, he knew he was the female in most relationships he shared with another man, but that didn't mean he wanted to act like one.

Jimmy smiled sadly, even if he was slightly amused by Johnny's girly question. "You look amazing." He whispered, scanning over the smaller man with his eyes once again. Jimmy knew it was wrong, especially because Johnny was getting married in less than an hour, but he seriously wanted to kiss Johnny right now.

More silence settled upon the two. The silence wasn't awkward, but not completely comfortable, either. Both men were struggling with their own thoughts, but neither of them wanted to admit their feelings at the moment.

"Would it be wrong if I said I wanted to kiss you right now?" Johnny finally whispered, adverting his gaze to the floor.

Jimmy chuckled huskily, getting a sudden burst of confidence at the shorter man's words. He moved closer to the brown eyed man. "Yeah, it would be," Jimmy started, lifting Johnny's chin, making the younger man look at him. "But since when did I ever do anything right?" He whispered seductively.

Jimmy's gaze flicked to Johnny's lips, his stomach doing flips. Johnny knew how wrong this was, but Jimmy had always been kind of a bad boy. And doing bad things kind of turned Johnny on. He knew all of his morals were flying out of the window soon, but he didn't have many morals to begin with; he just wanted to feel Jimmy's lips on his own one last time.

The two boy's lips touched for the first time in two years, and Jesus, did something happen. Both of the men felt something; something shifted in the atmosphere, all of their raw emotion washing back like a tidal wave.

Jimmy smashed his lips roughly against Johnny's, and gripped his hips with as much roughness. Their lips molded together, and Jimmy quickly slipped his tongue into Johnny's mouth. Johnny mewled pleasurably, and wrapped his arms around Jimmy's neck, and pulled Jimmy closer to him, swiping their tongues together.

Just before Jimmy was about to push Johnny up against the wall and take it a little farther, but Johnny pulled away quickly, and pushed on Jimmy's chest lightly. Jimmy knew what was coming next, and he didn't like it. Johnny sighed, and looked at his feet. "I-I... We- Jimmy-" He stumbled.

"We can't," Jimmy mumbled sorrowfully. "Because you're getting married." He finished, feeling his sudden burst of confidence shatter. Johnny looked up at him, regret and sadness washing over his features.

"I-I'm sorry..." Johnny whispered.

"I know." Jimmy muttered almost bitterly. "Just, have fun getting married." He knew it came off as angry, but now he was. He knew Johnny wouldn't give up his whole marriage just for himself, but knowing something was going to happen and actually going through it are two different things. Jimmy didn't take to kindly to rejection, but it was bound to happen. Johnny's moved on. Jimmy hasn't, but he's going to have to.

"Jimmy-"

"No. Just.. Just stop, okay? I'm fine. Don't worry about me. Today's your day, and I'm fucking it up. I'm just gonna talk to Matt or something," Jimmy grumbled, turning around on his heel, in desperate need of a cigarette. Jimmy knew Johnny was watching him as he left, and he really wanted to just turn around and apologize for acting like a jerk, but he couldn't. What he said was true; he was fucking up Johnny's big day.

When Jimmy made it outside, he immediately pulled out his brand new pack of Marlboro Reds, and lit one up, taking a nice, long drag out of the cancer stick. He sighed and blew the smoke away from him, watching all of the high-class men and women talk amongst themselves.

Jimmy knew none of these people were Johnny's friends or relatives (Johnny's family didn't stick around much anymore), so it must've been that Leo guy's family. He really hoped Leo isn't a high-class snobby jerk, because that's not Johnny's type. Jimmy should know, Johnny used to date him.

When his cigarette was just a bud, he flicked it to the ground and stepped on the remains. Jimmy sighed again, pondering whether he should just leave or stay. I should stay, Jimmy thought, it would really mean a lot to Johnny if I did.

Yeah, but he doesn't want you anyways. What's the point of staying if he doesn't love you anymore?

Because it'll show him how much I am still dedicated to him.

You mean obsessed?

Jimmy wanted to scream at his conscious. He wanted to scream and yell and tell his thoughts to fuck off. But he couldn't; not unless he wanted to end up in an insane asylum. He felt like punching something. Or someone in particular. No, not Johnny. This wasn't his fault. He wanted to punch himself. Or that Leo guy. Leo was obviously better than himself; even if he's never met the guy.

Jimmy was about to let out all of his anger on the person behind him; the unexpected hand on his shoulder, until he turned around and glanced at Matt. "Hey man," Matt smiled, his to-die-for dimples showing. When Jimmy didn't reply, Matt continued. "I didn't expect to see you here."

"Yeah," Jimmy muttered. To be honest, Jimmy didn't really want to talk to Matt or really anybody at the moment. Not only did he feel angry that his friends had obviously known about the wedding and didn't tell him, he felt a little betrayed, too. His best friends since elementary school had known about his one true love's wedding, and they didn't tell him. It hurt. A lot.

"Look, Jimmy, I know you-"

"No, Matt." Jimmy cut him off of his surely long rant. "You don't know anything." Jimmy knew it came off as angry, but that wasn't his fault. He was angry, even if it wasn't at Matt.

Matt sighed, and ran a hand through his short hair. "All I'm saying is, I think John would understand if you left. You don't have to be here, but it's cool that you are." Matt smiled once more, and jogged off to find his wife.

Jimmy noticed a lot of people were heading towards the church, so he figured he should too. He followed behind the crowd silently, not wanting to draw any attention to himself. As everyone shuffled in, most people sat up front, closer to where the real ceremony was happening. Of course, there were more people on Leo's side than there was on Johnny's side of the church. In fact, only a some of Johnny's friends and coworkers came. Jimmy didn't see Johnny's old folks, though.

Sitting near the back, where fairly no one sat, Jimmy waited for the ceremony to begin.

- - -

Jimmy felt like crying.

Johnny had already walked the aisle, and the preacher had begun his ever-so-long preach about the bondage of marriage. Johnny's hands were laced with Leo's in front of the preacher. He looked so fucking happy. His hazel eyes swirled with happiness like no other. It gave Jimmy a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. Not only did he feel crying, he felt like he was going throw up all over the floor.

When Johnny walked down the aisle a couple moments ago, he didn't glance Jimmy's way. Johnny didn't want to, because he knew the guilt would overwhelm him and he'd call off the wedding. Hell, he was guilty anyways. Johnny didn't just kiss Jimmy, he full blown made out with his ex. The worse part was that he enjoyed every second of it. He felt like throwing up.

As the preacher approached the objection part of the ceremony, Jimmy couldn't help but feel the need to speak up. He loved Johnny, with all of his heart and soul. He'd do anything for that man. Anything for him to be happy. He'd run to the end of the Earth just to please him. Surely he couldn't just give up.

But Johnny looked so happy with Leo. Was Johnny happier with Leo than himself? The thought made Jimmy's enlarged heart ache. Johnny's words still echoed through his mind though. "I love you, and I always will. You were my first love, and I gave you everything." Was that a sign? Did Johnny want Jimmy to speak up?

No, don't be silly. He pushed you away, and he's obviously happy with Leo. Just let him be happy. Don't ruin this for him, Jimmy's thoughts countered. It hurt, but somehow Jimmy knew they were right. Maybe Johnny and Jimmy weren't meant to be. Maybe it seemed like it, but maybe they weren't ever going to work out anyways. Or maybe they were meant to be. Maybe Jimmy fucked up royally, but didn't notice it until now.

"...Take Leo Scotts to be your lawfully wedded husband?" Jimmy's head shot up at the preacher's voice. He bit his lip, waiting for the two words that would break his heart officially. He knew it was coming, he did decide to come to Johnny's wedding. Jimmy almost cried out, "No!" before Johnny could say anything, but he didn't.

"I do."

"I now pronounce you.. Husbands. You may now kiss the-" Before the preacher could finish, Leo had pulled Johnny into a kiss. People laughed and cheered, and most of the women on Leo's side were crying.

At the reception, Jimmy was sitting down, eating a small piece of cake while trying to stay as cheery as possible. Sure, seeing the love of his life getting married to someone that wasn't him hurt, but he was done wasting his life moping about Johnny. It was time he had a picture perfect ending.

Jimmy knew that he wasn't ever going to forget Johnny or how much the small man had impacted his life, but he did know it hurt Johnny just as much to see Jimmy so down. And if anything, he was going to force himself to be happy, if not for him, then for his high school romance.

After Jimmy finished up his cake, he took one last glance at the happy couple- who were dancing together on the dance floor- and for once in a long time, Jimmy smiled a genuine smile.

He was happy for Johnny. He was happy that he was happy. And most of all, he was happy Johnny didn't end up like himself.

It was time for Jimmy to restart. It was time for Jimmy to stop wallowing in his own misery and live a little. He wasn't sure where to start, but he knew he couldn't stay cooped up in his house drunk all of the time. He would start with going out. Meeting people. Get some more friends. He wasn't going to forget Johnny, no, but he wasn't going to waste his time over him either. It was time Jimmy stopped feeling bad for himself. It was time Jimmy stopped drinking life away.

It was time Jimmy started letting go.