Defeated

Have you ever gotten the feeling that you’re being pushed around? I’ve had that feeling for a majority of my life and from a majority of the people in my life. My friends, my family, and on occasion even my boyfriend.

I’m a pushover. I have been as long as I can remember. Before I understood what that word even meant.

Believe it or not I have tried to stand my ground and stick up for myself, but in the end I always end up on the floor in a pathetic heap letting whoever defeated me walk right over my shrinking self-esteem.

Some people don’t care or even consider how it affects me. I can imagine them thinking things like ‘Oh yeah I’ve pushed Meghan around a couple of times,’ like it’s no big deal.

But the thing is, it is a big deal to me. After getting pushed around in your life so much it becomes exhausting to get back up every single time.

Your dignity becomes so bruised and weak that you don’t even have the strength to get back up. Sometimes I feel like lying there forever. Just lying there on the floor in a puddle of self decadence, and letting everyone step over me. It feels like everything would be simpler like that.

There would be no more conflict. No more fighting. No more losing.

Everything would be so much easier.