A Broken Promise

I ran out the doors to the United Center, tears streaking down my face as I began to panic. I gasped to take in breath as my body shook all over.
“Lena!” Hanna was suddenly by my side, her hand resting on my shoulder as I bent over. “Lena, I’m so, so sorry. I should have just let you left.”
“He saw me, Hanna. He saw me!” I cried out in Swedish. “He knows I’m here. I never wanted to see him again. What did I do wrong to be tortured like this?”
Hanna looked at me sadly. “I’m so sorry. I can’t even imagine how you’re feeling.” She rubbed my shoulder as Brendan came up, standing to the side quietly, politely. “And you don’t deserve to be tortured. It’s just how life goes.”
“I want to go home. Now.”
Hanna looked at her fiance. “I need to take her home.”
“You should have told me that Viktor Stalberg was the name of the guy,” he said gently. “Then maybe I could have helped prevent this.”
Hanna smiled weakly as I dry heaved. “I’m sorry. And thanks for caring. You don’t mind if I leave with her?”
“Of course not. Go.” Brendan came up to me. “I’m sorry, Lena. I’ve never had a broken heart before, not like this. But I am sorry.”
I looked up at the man for a minute, nodding meekly. Hanna’s hand clasped my elbow while Brendan got a cab and they both helped me in.
Viktor Stalberg...
I shook my head, trying to get his name out of my thoughts. It took so long to push back the pain that he caused me.
Viktor...
He was my world. I lived for him. The promise of joining him in North America once I was finished school fueled me to finish as fast as I could. We wrote and called often, the love there even through long distance, but so was the pain of not physically seeing each other. It was hard not to miss his voice, his warmth.
Vik...
But the calls stopped coming. So did the handwritten letters. And eventually, in ultimate despair, I tried contacting him.
His cell phone was disconnected.
His email... gone.
He left me with nothing, gone so suddenly.
I spent a year in therapy, fitting it in my hectic school and work schedule, because even though he stopped contacting me, I held onto that hope that every summer when he came home, he’d come find me and I’d be done with school as fast as I promised.
But summers kept coming and going. And he never even so much as called.
My world crumbled around me as my heart tore into pieces.
Why did he do this to me? I kept asking myself. What did I do to make him hate me, make him disown me?
Eventually the pain became too much, the unanswered questions burning into my soul.
I attempted suicide about a year before I moved to chicago. After Hanna caught me, and I was sentenced to more therapy, it was decided that it would be best for me to create a new life alongside what was going to happen with Vik, but with just myself. I had to make my dreams come true in the United States myself.
And as time went on, and more therapy to go with it, I started to push all thoughts of Viktor away. It came to a point when I wouldn’t even call him by name. If for something reason I needed to talk about him, which my therapist said I should do whether to Hanna or in a journal to get my thoughts down on my last day of therapy, I would refer to him as him. It worked, I began to put my life into order. The whole in my heart didn’t heal in the least, however, but at least I was happy.
Until now.
In this cab on our way back to our place, I could feel myself tearing at the seams once again. All because of a man.
But he isn’t just a man. Vik was always more than that, so kind and gentle and loving. Until the day he ditched me.
What did I do, Viktor? And why are you coming back to haunt me now?
I wish I could just say I hate you, and I never want to see you again.
But seeing out there, on the ice, playing as if it was the old days of me cheering you on, and then you getting hurt... all those feelings broke through the barrier I create. I want to turn around and burst through the locker room to see if you’re alright.
However, you don’t want me, do you Viktor? Why else have you left me to rot in Sweden?
No matter what I do, though, I still love you. And that kills me inside.

Days passed before I managed to pull myself out of bed and actually leave the apartment, even if it was to go down the street to pick up a couple of needed feminine things. It was easy to tell how worried Hanna was; she was afraid to leave me alone when she wandered off to work. She had to go, however, so left me alone she did.
I could not put my barrier up. After being so close to him, knowing that he’s here somewhere in this city, I can’t just ignore Viktor and my feelings for him.
I hate him.
I love him.
But I need to hate him.
Yet I can’t stop loving him.
He left me.
I should have tried harder to find him.
It was so agonizingly painful.
A text from Elina, the girl we met at the last fashion show, was what really got me up. She wanted to go out, get to know Hanna and I and introduce us to some of her friends.
I knew that this was what I needed. A girl’s night, a getaway from my emotional prison.
So that’s what Hanna and I did about a week after the incident at the United Center.
I suppose I should make note that I have not even been within blocks of the rink since that night, in fear of seeing him outside on a sidewalk somewhere.
“So what’s your story?” Elina asked kindly while we were at the bar. “There’s just something about you that I can’t pinpoint. Something...sad.”
I looked away from her blue eyes and into the bottom of my glass while Hanna chatted away with a couple of the girls Elina brought with her. “I’ve...had a bad week, I suppose,” I replied.
Elina bent forward slightly, trying to get me to look at her. “That’s not it,” she said. “I noticed it when we first met too. Your eyes just seem to give away a sadness.”
I shrugged and sipped my martini. “Rough month?”
The other girl smiled politely. “I understand if you don’t want to tell me. We only just met after all.” She chuckled a bit, and I smiled weakly. “I just want to help, if I can, so when you’re ready, you let me know.” She motioned to all the girls around us. “But try to enjoy yourself while you can.”
I nodded, knowing she was right. “Thank you.”
“For what?” she asked, honestly confused.
I gave her a real smile. “For bringing me into your world, and out of my head.”
She smiled back. “Anytime, Lena. That’s what friends are for, right?”
I nodded. “Yeah.”
Viktor...
“That’s what friends are for.”