Alexithymia

"No she hasn't signed the papers yet...I know I've tried!" John sighed
"Well I guess I'll send her over a list of what you want and we'll work it out from there, can't have the meeting till she signs those papers" Adams voice sounded through the phone
"alright, talk soon" John replied, hanging up the phone and dropping it infront of him. He rubbed his callous hands over his tired face, he felt too old for this. 
"hey, You alright man?"
John looked towards the door and saw Kennedy.
"No" he huffed 
Kenny nodded knowingly and entered the room, sitting opposite his friend. 
"You know, they guys and I, we're worried about you" Kennedy said 
"what did you expect? That'd Id just pick my self up and everything would be dandy?" John sighed as let his head drop and hands fall between his knees, "you set us up, I'm blaming you" he finished half jokingly.  
They had just finished soundcheck for their show. They were playing their hometown tonight, that always cheered John up slightly.
"I know, it's just hard watching you two go through this, regardless of what you say, she made you a better man" 
"Who's side are you on?" John snarled 
"Yours, chill" he replied, holding his hands up in defense 
John rubbed his hands over his face again. 
"hey man, what happened with you guys before we left for the UK?" Kennedy asked carefully.
Everyone knew that the couple had parted for that your on bad terms but no one knew why. They were assured by the singer that everything would be sorted out when they got back. None of them pushed the subject and let it be. The two were known to have their fair share of fights. It was part of the reason outsiders wondered why they were together, but thee friends knew John's love for Kim.
"I'd rather not talk about it before we go on stage" John answered simply and pushed himself off the couch. 
Kenny nodded and followed the taller man out to side stage.
They watched at the local band finished their set, warming up the crowd. 
Pat stood behind Kennedy fiddling with his sticks, Garret and Jared stood with them as well. Kennedy looked across at John and saw his slightly glassy eyes as he looked out at the stage. He knew how much it hurt John to sing these songs. The ones written about her. The good and the bad times about their relationship. 
Pat called them into a group huddle and they started their chant, we like to party. 
John could see their sympathetic looks as they pumped themselves up. That's one thing he would tolerate from his band mates, and that was them feeling sorry for him. He held his head high and stepped on that stage. 
As cliche as it sounds, as John sung those lyrics her face came into his head. 
The riff of Listen to your heart sounded out of Jared's guitar and Johns heart ached. He barely made it though Saving grace. He had to turn away from the crowd at the end. The fans screaming in admiration for this man, having no idea what was going through his head. This is why he continued to go on stage each night, a chance to forget. 
"so guys, change of pace, gonna play a new song for you guys" John said as he was passed an acoustic guitar and him and Jared sat on stools. No more woe is me songs, he wanted to prove he could admit his flaws.
"This ones called I'm sorry"

They were all gathered at the local bar for a few drinks, it had become a post show tradition. John stepped outside and leaned against the wall. He pulled out his packet of cigarettes and placed one between his lips. As he placed the lighter to the end he heard the door open.
"John"
He rolled his eyes and took a drag.
"I wish you would stop" he sighed 
"And I wish I wasnt going through a divorce" John snapped 
"can you please tell me what happened before the uk?" Kennedy asked
"I'd rather not here" John breathed out smoke
"Walk back to mine, I'm tired of this bar anyway" 
John nodded and the two friends walked towards Kennedy's apartment, John taking the occasionally drag from his cigarette.
They walked in silence until John spoke as they reached the door.
"It was just before we left for Bamboozle" John started, blowing smoke up to the sky, " I found a positive pregnancy test" 
He saw Kennedy look at him from the corner of his eye. He expected the reaction. John threw the cigarette on the ground and they went up stairs. Kennedy got them both a beer and they sat on opposite couches. 
"I didn't say anything, I figured she would tell me"
"did you not use protection?" 
"we were married!" John huffed, "so we got home and I saw a note from the doctors"
Kennedy could sense what was coming, he just didn't want it to come out of Johns mouth.
"she'd had an abortion" John choked
Kennedy's eyes went wide open.
"we fought, I yelled at her, why wouldn't she tell me!" John continued 
"So what happened?" 
"I got mad and left, I woke up at the bar with a killer headache" John finished and rubbed his eyes, "I saw her just before we left for tour and said we would sort things out when I came back, we didn't part in a good way but swore we'd talk and fix things when I came back, I mean, we always sorted things out!" 
Kennedy didn't know what to say. He saw the tears brimming in his eyes. John never cried, he had only seen his friend cry once.

Kennedy was tired and falling asleep on the couch when the buzz from his intercom sounded. With a groan he got up and pressed answer.
"yes?" he asked annoyed 
"I did it" he heard a voice croak.
Kennedy quickly buzzed his friend in and soon enough there was a knock at the door.
He swung it open and pulled his friend into a hug. John wrapped his arms around him and Kennedy helped the broken man over to the couch.
"I did it Ken" John choked 
"Are you serious man?" Kenny asked 
"She slept with Austin! She cheated on me!" John cried, looking up at him and Kenny saw tears beginning to fall down Johns cheeks. He could smell the smoke on his breath. He hadnt been drinking. John came straight here. He has spoken to Ken about handing her the papers, so naturally it was the first place he went. 
"are you serious?" 
John nodded in response. John never cried infront of people but right now he was too hurt to care so he let it all out infront of Kennedy as Ken held his arm around him.
It made his heart ache for the singer. This was the beginning of the new broken John.