Alexithymia

John rubbed his tired eyes as a blank page sat infront of him. The pencil lying next to the book was indented with teeth marks while the desk and page was covered in pieces of eraser. 
He was never one for pen. 
The dim light from the lamp illuminated the little space where he sat. His eyelids were heavy and a pounding in the front of his head was begging him to go to sleep. But he couldn't. Not just tonight, John hadn't been able to sleep in weeks. 
He was never very religious but lately he had found himself praying quite a lot. 
His callous hands ran over his face stretching his skin and feeling the unshaven stubble.
Kim always found it sexy when he didn't shave for a few days.
He ran a hand through his hair and tugged on it, trying to erase the thought from his mind. 

John was a mess. Why? He couldn't answer that. It was her fault! Why should he be feeling shit? 
As he went through the same thought process of every night, he picked up his pencil and started drawing the outline of a heart on the corner of his page.
A habit Kim had got him into. She used to doodle on his notes absentmindedly and soon John picked it up. The guys always made fun of him but he found it cute.
As his frustration grew, he pressed harder and harder with his pencil, finally snapping it with a frustrated yell.
"JohnO?"
He heard a voice from the door and snapped around, his eyes adjusting to the light.
"Halvo, that you?" he asked
"man why are you sitting here in the dark?" Halvo asked, entering the room
"I...I ahhh think better" John replied and scratched the back of his neck, pulling at his hair.
Halvo didn't believe him for a second, he knew John hiding in the dark was his way of blocking out anything he had to deal with, so he turned the light on, illuminating the room and causing John to squint a few times and adjust.
"shit John" Halvo said, assessing his friend, "you look like shit"
John had always been skinny but now he just looked plain drained, he looked at least 10 years older and the spark from his eyes was gone, and left in its place was hollow green orbs that held nothing but sorrow.
"did you come here just to tell me that?" John asked, annoyed
Halvo shook his head.
"how'd you go?" John asked
A small sad smile turned up the corners of Halvos mouth as he pulled out the CD's out of his bag.
As he placed each one in Johns hand, a small smile appeared on Johns face, increasing the appearance of the wrinkles from his sunken face. 
Eric placed the ivory cd last.
"she fought for that one" he said
John nodded, reliving the memory of bringing that CD to her.
"she loved this CD" John answered
Eric nodded and left the room, only to re enter carrying a large case.
"you got it" John breathed
Halvo just nodded and handed the case to him, almost seeing the warmth spread through him as his best friend pulled out his favourite guitar and place it on his lap.
"man I missed her" John said and rubbed his hand over the neck.
Eric nodded and went to leave before John spoke.
"she loved this guitar to, I used to play it for her all the time, I'm surprised she didn't fight for it to" John slightly choaked.
Halvo had almost had enough.
"stop it John, she didn't need to fight for it because it's fucking yours! Along with a lot of other shit in that apartment! And I'm not doing your god damn dirty work, so grow a fucking  pair and get your stuff from that stupid bitch!" Eric seethed 
Johns eyes turned to him. Eric could see it in them, he wanted to defend her, he always did.
"don't you dare defend her John, you know she fucked up your life, everything you had" he continued
John nodded his head, Eric was right.
"is that what she said? For me to fucking grow a pair?" John hissed
Eric nodded and stuffed his hands in his pockets.
"fucking whore! How dare she say that, she's the coward!" John growled, "god if I see her face" John clenched his fists.
"calm down bro, I'll come with you and we'll get it back" Eric said and patted his friend on the shoulder.
As Halvo left the room, John sat back down at his desk, he found him self wondering if Kim had signed the papers yet. 
Angry at himself for letting him think about her, John ran to the bathroom.
He splashed his face with water and steadied himself on the sink ad he looked at himself in the mirror. 
Look what this stupid bitch has done to him, his life, his friends. She was all to blame.
His eyes traveled down to the join in his elbow where the faint line was still evident.
It was the simple outline of a heart. It was for her.

"if I doodle on all your notes, why can't I doodle on you" she smiled

He had already had one laser session to get it removed, he was booked in for his second.
Never in his life did he think he would be in his position. Aching everyday because of the girl he fell head over heals for. Now all he felt was rage towards her. 
Well that's what forced his body to believe.