Alexithymia

His fingers traced from her shoulder, down her arm, along the side of her body and then his hand moved over her stomach and pulled her back closer against his bare chest. 
John looked down at the sleeping girl infront of him. Her blonde hair was fanned out on the pillow and nose was slightly crinkled up. With his hand on her stomach he felt her soft breathing. She was unlike any girl he had been with before. A girl he used to date, underwear model, tanned and flawless, had thrown herself at him while in tour but John politely declined, knowing this beauty was waiting for him at home. He placed a soft kiss on her shoulder, where a bruise had formed because Kim had walked into a wall. She bruised like crazy. John always found it funny because she was so clumsy. He just used it as another excuse to kiss her everywhere. He softly placed his lips there before burying his head in the crook of her neck. Kim squirmed underneath him.
"John you need a shave! Stop!" she giggled as he rubbed it more against her skin chucking as he did so, only making her laugh more as his breath hit her skin.
Kim shifted under his arm and turned around to face him.
"you are going to pay for that, I was having the best dream" Kim scowled, trying to look adorably angry but instead just making a weird face, casing John to laugh more.
"was it about me?" he smiled
Kim shook her head.
"well then it couldn't have been that amazing"
"If you must know" she dragged out as she traced the tattoos on his chest, "it was about the Jonas brothers showing up to my party" 
She finished and looked up at him with big blue eyes.
John just looked down at her and twisted his eye brows.
Kim just burst out laughing and rolled on top of him.
"you cannot deny their sex appeal" she smiled
"hmm well my sex appeal is pretty high" he smirked and folded his hands behind his head.
"that is true" Kim smiled and placed her hands and chin on his chest.
"how'd I end up so lucky?" John said
"You? John look at me, I'm the lucky one" Kim smiled and placed a kiss on his neck.
"what are you talking about?" John said and sat up on his elbows. 
They had, had this conversation before but not in depth.
"come on John, it's no secret, everybody wonders why we are together, why you picked me" Kim half smiled 
"um I picked you because I love you..." John replied 
"I'm just not what you've dated in the past, in fact I'm the complete opposite, I know we get along on every sense, but you don't think I don't notice the looks we get? Why is he with her" Kim shrugged and looked down and went to roll off John but he grabbed her and pulled her back ontop.
"okay you listen to me okay? I picked you for a reason, I've never met anyone like you, and you are so beautiful. I don't want what I used to have, I picked you, your mine and I'm yours, no one else's, and don't you forget that okay?" John smiled and placed a kiss on her lips. Kim smiled and placed a kiss back on his lips. 
John chucked and rolled her over so he was on top.
"we've got a while before we have to go out" he smirked, placing kisses up her neck. 

John strolled into the apartment without making eye contact with Kim. Halvo shuffled in behind him and Kim closed the door, swallowing hard. 
"you know no one gives you the right to just storm in here" Kim choked out
John's head snapped towards her.
"excuse me? Um if I recall this is my fucking apartment as well" he glared at her.
"you gave that up when you walked out that day" Kim snapped back
John took a step towards her and opened his mouth to speak before Eric stopped him,
"let's just get your stuff and get out okay?" 
John just nodded and turned away.
Kim looked into his green eyes. There was no doubt, butterflies still appeared in her stomach when she saw him. His deep green eyes made her blush no matter how they looked at her.
They used to look at her with such love and admiration, now they were full of hate.
Kim slowly followed behind John and Eric, unsure of where to stand. She felt so out of place in her own home.
They walked to their once shared room as John threw all his belongings in a suit case while Eric stood and watched. 
"can't believe she made me do this, step into this house again...after everything she put me through" John sighed and rubbed his temples.
"come on just get your stuff and get out" Eric sighed 
"what I put you through? What about the hell you put me through!? You tore my life apart!" Kim appeared in the door way and snapped
"You destroyed mine! Everything we had" John glared
"You had people to fall back on" Kim choked, eyes glancing at Eric. 
Johns blood was boiling, looking at the women he once loved, who broke him down, made him just want to scream out all the hate inside and take it out on someone, but frankly his body was too tired. 
John pushes past Kim to gather more of his stuff but at he pushed past her she spoke,
"I told you to get your stuff your self because I thought you might have that much man left in you, to show me, our home a little respect" she hissed
"so what was your excuse? You filthy whore, you don't deserve my respect" he spat, leaning down beside her into her ear. 
He walked away and Kim padded into the kitchen.
"he's just as broken as you are" Eric said
"Really Eric? If your just here to reinforce where you stand, I don't need it, just get your stuff and get the hell out" Kim snapped back
"No, don't you date make me look like the bad guy Kim! You brought this on yourself"
"how!?" she yelled
"You fucking slept with Austin! My god Kim, he gave up everything for you. John completely changed all for you, everyone thought finally heres a girl that could being John back to life, but then you go and fuck it all up! Don't you dare fucking play the victim here, you hurt alot of people" Eric yelled back, breathing heavily when he was done.
Kim just stared at him, no words coming to her mouth. 
She knew he was right. But she also couldn't let go of the fact that nobody cared to stay on her side. She gave everything up to follow John's life.
"Eric, I think you should wait in the car" 
They both turned towards the voice and saw John standing in the door way.
"But your stuff..."
John hardened his glare at him.
Eric gave John and knowing nod and walked out of the apartment without a second look at Kim.
Kim swallowed hard, now afraid to be in the same room alone with him.
He slowly walked towards her, his eyes never leaving hers. She was unable to look away.
"you wanna explain these?" he asked tauntingly as he reached her, a few inches separating them as he towered over her. 
He threw the unsigned papers on the table infront of them and Kim looked down on them, feeling a wave of nausea overcome her. 
Johns size continued to loom over her, intimidating her, like it always had. He knew how to use this to his advantage. 
"I...I umm" Kim stumbled
"why aren't they signed Kimberley?" 
She looked up and glared at him, he knew she hated when he used her full name, it made her sound likes child.
"you and I both want this over so why drag it out?" Johns tone changed from taunting to anger. 
"Because I haven't been able to okay? Is that what you wanna hear? I'm too god damn broken to bring my self to sign my life away" Kim cried
Johns face didn't change, not an ounce of sympathy. He really wanted to but all he could think of was her legs wrapped around his body, him whispering her name against her neck. 
This was his girl and he couldn't look at her the same knowing someone else had touched her.
"You signed this life away the minute your lips touched his" John snarled 
"It was a mistake John! You're not perfect either! God you're far from it"
"I can admit my flaws..." he started but was cut off by Kim laughing
"are you serious? You couldn't admit them if they slapped you in the face!" she yelled. 
John took a deep breath to calm himself.
"We had all that baggage before we left, but I was so prepared to come home as sort it all out, because I loved you so much, and I come home to that... I couldn't look at you the same knowing some other guy had touched you like that, and one of my friends Kim!" John sighed.
"Our baggage? you ran from it" Kim replied 
"Fine! You took away the one thing that kept as a couple!"
"excuse me? It was my life at stake John" Kim snapped
Johns expression suddenly changed
"What?" he asked, almost concerned 
"Forget it" Kim sighed and turned to walk away.
"stop" John said and grabbed her arm, "tell me what happened Kim, I have a right to know" he said, no anger left in his eyes. 
Kim looked up and glared at him, 
"You gave up that right when you and all our friends walked out that night" she snapped and ripped her arm from his grip.
"get your stuff and get out" She said before disappearing into the apartment  
John sighed and called Eric up to help him pick up his stuff. 
"I'll come get the rest later" he called but got no response. He looked around and still saw their wedding photos hanging. The looks on their faces were the happiest he'd ever seen. 
Johns heart broke as he stepped out of the apartment. Seeing her again brought everything back. How much he loved her, all the times they shared, how much she changed him. It made his heart ache. 
When John was with her, he was far from the guy he used to be. Everyone said he looked happier, he didn't look so drained and he stopped drinking. Tour was so much better when John was with Kim, she kept him grounded. No one thought Kim really understood how much her sleeping with Austin hurt him. 

She felt so nauseous as she walked towards the group. Knowing he was there and not knowing who he had told. 
Dirk Mai had invited everyone to the vacant lot 8123 for a post tour gathering. Kim didn't know why she decided to come. She really did miss all the boys and maybe John would have the decency to not say anything yet. 
Dirk put an arm around her and guided towards the group. Clearly he hadn't been told yet. She silently thanked John. 
"why didn't you come with lover boy?" he smirked
"oh I was out today" she forced a smile.
As she came closer to the group, Dirk called out.
"Kim's here" he laughed 
The group consisted of The Maine, Rocket to the Moon and Augustana and their girlfriends. Not surprisingly Austin wasn't there. 
The boys all came over and said hello, she was too surrounded to notice that John, Kennedy and Jared were still standing in the corner, not coming near her. 
"you got a lot of nerve showing up here" 
Everyones heads turned towards the voice coming over the music.
Kim swallowed as she saw Kennedy looking at her, John stood shrunken back behind him.
"ken what are you talking about" Nick laughed 
"Oh you haven't heard?" he laughed sinisterly 
Kenny please" Kim whispered, tears welling. 
"Their getting divorced" he announced with a snarl. The group gasped and awkwardness hung in the air. 
"Ken stop" John said
"She slept with Austin, that's why he isn't here, smart boy" Ken continued with anger pulsing through him. 
Kim stood there as all eyes fell on her, she just wanted to run away. 
"Is that true?" Nick said to her
Kim couldn't answer. 
John stepped forward. 
"You told them?" she said
"Why not? They have a right to know what whore fucked up their friend" he hissed. 
"I think you should leave" Dirk said, his eyes suddenly cold and dark
Kim's mouth just hung open.
"No, let her stay" John snarled, "we'll go" 
Everyone glared at Kim before all climbing in their cars and leaving her in the car park alone. She felt like she wanted to throw up. There was no one se could call. Slowly walking back to her car, she climbed into her backseat and lay down. It was over