Catch Up With Fate

The car ride was completely quiet. Viktor was quietly driving and I was quietly sitting in the passenger seat. Although we were on the way to the audition my mind was miles away from that. I didn’t even really care about the audition, I was only in the car because Viktor had forced me. I heaved a sigh.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he promptly asked.

“No.”

I didn’t want to talk about the phone conversation I had had with my sister and her boyfriend. I just wanted to wallow in self-pity because everyone was being mean to me.

The topic this time was the All Star weekend. Before everything it hadn’t been a question that we would both (CC and I) attend in case Jon made it, which was kind of obvious. It’d been such an exciting idea to go to Raleigh and meet so many people and enjoy all the events. Now, not so much.

I wasn’t up to spending a week pretending to make nice with C.A. and CC and Marc was also going to be there, who, except for a few texts, had dropped me like a hot potato. Kaner was also on the list and I wasn’t so sure that the beautiful women of Raleigh could really distract him. Besides, if I joined the band, we’d have a gig. They weren’t exactly delighted about my vague ‘I don’t know’... Everything was falling apart all over again and it was safe to say that my mind was preoccupied during the audition.

Diane hadn’t told me how many people there were going to be, but there were a lot more than I’d thought. Some surely were moral support like Viktor or just spectators, but a bunch of people didn’t really make me feel better.

“Hi Tasha.” I turned around and was surprised to find a beaming Jamison in front of me. “Glad you came.”

“That’s what she said,” Viktor muttered under his breath, speaking my thoughts. I couldn’t help but smile a little, although I managed to contain my laughter.

“Hi Jamison,” I replied, by then he had seen Viktor, so I felt the need to introduce. “This is Viktor, my roommate.” Roommate seemed to raise less questioning than ‘friend’ for some reason, so I went with that.

“Nice to meet you,” Jamison nodded at the Swede, but it was obvious the drummer wasn’t all that pleased.

“Natascha!” Diane’s unmistakable voice boomed then and a moment later she had all but jumped on me. “You came!” This time Vik and I only exchanged an amused look. ‘That’s what she said,’ we both thought.

“Diane, this is Vik,” I introduced with a grin. Diane gave him a once over wordlessly, then turned to me with raised eyebrows.

“You guess?! You guess?! You need new glasses, girl!” she exclaimed. Viktor knew what she meant, unfortunately, and I blushed beet red when he grinned at me. Thanks Diane.

“See the little blondie over there?” she said pointing to a (fake) blonde girl across the room. “That’s her.”

“I’m blonde, too, thank you,” I huffed.

“Yeah, but yours is not fake. You’re all natural top to bottom,” she rolled her eyes, gesturing to her chest area when she said ‘all natural’. “Good luck, you’ll kick her ass, Tasha, I know it.”

As it turned out only a handful of people were actually auditioning. It was kind of interesting to watch everyone sing the same three songs. They were well picked and Dillon and Hayden did a great job at transcribing quickly when needed. Blondie was actually pretty good, but I couldn’t stand her hair flicking and her whiney (speaking) voice.

When it was my turn I just sang without thinking too much. By now I’d heard the songs a few times and knew them half by heart, so that made it easier. I had trouble paying attention though and I knew I could have done better. Viktor was all smiles anyway which was reassuring and nice. Diane was pretty happy, too, but only until the band announced they were tied between two: Blondie and me. They had a ‘jury’ that consisted of more persons than just the band, excluding Diane. She probably wasn’t in because she was way biased...

“So far we’ve heard you sing with backup, so our tie breaker is going to be acapella. We’ll give you a few minutes to prepare,” Adam, the bassist, announced. I let out a deep sigh, so not up for racking my brain for a song now. This was supposed to be easy and effortless.

“You need to show them something outta the blue, something with emotion,” Diane told me. Of course she’d try to help me with her inside scoop.

“Like what? Am I supposed to whip out ‘My heart will go on’ or ‘I will always love you’ now?” I deadpanned with a frown. “How the heck am I supposed to show emotion? What does that even mean?”

“I think it’s just that you did really well on the songs, but you didn’t seem like you were really into it,” Diane offered. “You kinda seemed distracted.”

I was distracted alright, but I didn’t think they would be able to tell. Great.

“Maybe pick something you’ve listened to a lot lately?” Viktor offered.

“Yeah! If you could do something where you know the lyrics by heart that’d be great!” Diane nodded.

“I’ll see,” I shrugged and went outside to get some air. Viktor had followed me but I didn’t notice until he put my coat around my shoulders.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly. “What happened on the phone earlier?” I let out a deep breath that was white in the cold air. Chicago winter.

“They wanted to know if I’ll still come to Raleigh next weekend and I said I don’t know. Not exactly happy about that...”

“If you don’t want to go, you don’t have to,” he told me, but it wasn’t helpful at all. It was like it didn’t really matter what I wanted.

A few moments later Diane came to call us back inside. Blondie was up first, but I can’t say I really listened to her. I still didn’t have my song and talking about my sister hadn’t really helped.

But maybe it had. Just when she finished her song, I found mine. They wanted emotion? They were about to get it, emotions I was feeling just that moment.

I’d loved Adele’s music since the first time I’d heard her on the radio and when her new stuff had come out just recently, I’d immediately gotten it. Singing her songs was impossible if your aim was to do it just like her, but it worked if you did it your own way. Her voice was too strong to copy for most regular singers, so I was going to make my own version of ‘Rolling in the Deep’. I’d listened to it a lot lately, because the phrase ‘we could have had it all’ kept being stuck in my head in regards to CC. We could have had it all, but now everything was ruined.

For me the most fun songs to sing were tunes where you could play with your voice, where you could play around with quiet, soft tunes and then break out into loud, strong exclamations. This was a song that allowed for all of that.

There's a fire starting in my heart
Reaching a fever pitch, it's bringing me out the dark
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship [shit] bare
See how I'll leave with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do

The first verse I started off kind of soft and quiet, it wasn’t really on purpose though, I had to find myself in the song first. I avoided looking at anyone and stared at a spot on the wall, trying to do what Diane had told me to do and let my emotions flow into everything. By the time the second verse came I was really into it. Changing it up a little bit, I sang those lyrics with a little more strength imagining I was singing them right into Jonathan’s face. Not surprising, it helped. The rest of the song practically did itself after that.

Baby, I have no story to be told
But I've heard one on you
And I'm gonna make your head burn
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Make a home down there
As mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love remind me of us
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat
Could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
But you played it with a beating

Throw your soul through every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You'll pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

We could have had it all
We could have had it all
It all, it all, it all
(Tears are gonna fall, rolling in the deep)

We could have had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside of your hand
And you played it to the beat

But you played it
You played it
You played it
You played it to the beat
(Adele – Rolling in the Deep)

After I finished there was a moment of silence, then Diane started cheering. A laugh escaped me although I really didn’t feel like laughing at all. The band looked impressed though, so that was good. Jamison was beaming at me like he had been the whole time. Dillon said the band would need a little more time to make a decision and that they would give us a call. Blondie gave me a really dirty look when I passed her to sit down. Guess she had underestimated my abilities.

“That was so awesome, Tasha,” Viktor told me, taking my hand and squeezing it excitedly. “You blew them away. The other girl doesn’t stand a chance.”

I just nodded and tried not to show how affected I was right now. When you allow for your carefully contained feelings to pour out like this, it was difficult to reign them back in.

“You are so going to get the spot,” Diane beamed at me, she was pretty much bouncing on the spot. “I didn’t even think you could pull off something like that, girl!”

“Surprise,” I offered weakly.

“Damn straight,” she grinned and hugged me to her side. “Now do me a favor and smile, missy.” I sighed and forced a grin. “You can do better than that, but I’ll take it,” she nodded.

“How long do you think they’ll be?” I wanted to know, nodding at the band and jury who seemed to be taking a breather before their final discussion.

“Hayden and Adam think they should sleep on it for a night and Dillon is kind of the same, so probably tomorrow,” Diane shrugged. “Dill’ won’t tell me anything either, he’s making me sleep at home tonight.”

That made a half-grin come to my face. “Sucks to be you, buttercup.”

“Don’t mock me, you get to go home with your guy, I don’t. Have some sympathy,” Diane joked. I decided not to say anything because that would only egg her on more. We talked for a little bit longer before Viktor and I left. It was late and we both had stuff to do tomorrow morning (class and practice).

The ride back to Viktor’s apartment was just as quiet as before, only that the radio was on and playing mindless mainstream music. From the corner of my eye I could see him turning to look at me, but he never said anything. I sat in the passenger seat trying to tuck my emotions back into that far little corner I had pulled them from earlier. Torn between angry and sad I was almost in tears again.

Viktor parked the car and I got out immediately. I really needed the safe solitude the guestroom offered until I was sure I wasn’t going to fall apart. That plan I had made without my roomie though. I had just shed my coat and chucked my boots, when he stopped me from disappearing into the guestroom by pulling me into a hug.

For a few moments I stood there tensely, but then I couldn’t do anything but fold into him, thinking how unfair all of this was. Not only the situation with my sister and how those two were acting like I should just stop being a bitch and get over it already. Everything about Viktor and living with him was unfair, too. Viktor himself was dangerous, a charming, well-mannered, good looking young man with that undeniable Swedish air about him, and living with him basically made it impossible to avoid him (and the effect he had on me). Being exposed to him in small dosages I was able to survive, but this was more than I could take. Even the ice queen had a breaking (or melting) point somewhere...

This hug was just like the other one, tight but comfortable. One arm he had around my back, the other was across my shoulders with his hand almost holding the back of my head. With being so close to him and my face basically in his chest, I got an impression of how nice he smelled which was just another entry on the list of unfair things about him.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he spoke into my hair quietly. I wished I had his confidence about this, but at least someone was sure that things were going to get better. I believed that eventually they probably would, but the question was just when?