Catch Up With Fate

Packing up the rest of my stuff at CC’s and my apartment was one of the most miserable things I had done in a long time. Thank God she had class and wasn’t there while I basically cried my heart out as I packed. Especially looking at The Wall that we had spent so much time and heart to decorate with all our hockey memories...

She hadn’t taken that one down yet, but everything else seemed to be packed up, so I took over the task of carefully taking down every picture, newspaper clipping, ticket stub, napkin, flyer, advertisement... I put them into a special box, deciding that I was going to take it with me since she obviously didn’t seem to want it.

Because I knew my sister well, I went through the rest of the apartment as well, checking that we were leaving nothing behind that belonged to us. The things I found that weren’t mine or I didn’t want to have, I put on the kitchen table where she’d find them.

Going through the drawers in the kitchen I came across various papers we had collected in one drawer. They were important bills and stuff like that. At the bottom of the pile I found something I’d thought we didn’t have anymore because of prolonging our stay in Chicago. With my heart racing and my hands slightly shaking I held two tickets in them, valid for a flight back to Hannover on February 15th.

When Jon had taken care of getting us in for another semester, I’d thought he and CC had cashed the tickets in, because we were obviously not going to use them. But lo and behold, there they were.

I stared at them like a bunny transfixed on a snake in front of it and had to breathe deeply a few times. The tickets went into my bag along with the rest of the papers and after one last check of the apartment, I filled Viktor’s car with my boxes and drove away.

.

The next few days all I could think about were the flight tickets. I didn’t tell anyone I had found them, especially not Viktor. Somehow I had convinced him not to ask about the meeting with CC, saying that I just didn’t want to talk about it yet. The truth was that if I told him one part of that, I would no doubt spill about the tickets and also the plan to use one of them that grew in me every day. Subconsciously I knew that he would try to convince me not to do it, and that was why I didn’t tell him. The bad part was that he could totally tell I was keeping something from him, which made me feel guilty and him grumpy. After not even two weeks together we were already not on the best terms and I knew it would only get worse when he found out about the flight I was planning to take.

I felt bad that he was going to get strung along like this, but finding the tickets had only intensified my homesickness and a small part of me was really looking forward to going home, while most of me knew it was going to run away like this. Telling myself that for once I was entitled to be selfish, I tried to make myself feel better about it, but it didn’t really work.

Trying not to tell Viktor meant I sort of had to avoid too much contact with him and he definitely noticed, even if he didn’t right out say something. Maybe I was also trying to distance myself a little already, to make the goodbye on Tuesday easier. Which was bullshit, it wasn’t going to make it easier, but I liked to pretend that it would.

It broke my heart when he sent me a link to a video and the lyrics of Paramore’s ‘The Only Exception’, the song we had joked about last week. I almost told him then, I wanted to tell him not to get any more invested because I was leaving in a few days, but I couldn’t. I was going to miss all the people in Chicago that I had made friends with, especially him and the band. It was going to suck for them to have to find another singer in such a short time frame, but I just didn’t want to stay without my sister. To me I had really lost her now, that’s what it felt like.

.

Saturday, the night before Viktor was set to return, we had another band practice and I knew it wasn’t fair to them if I left without at least a short notice, so I had to tell them.

“Okay, so... before we start, there’s something I need to tell you and I knew it’s going to suck big time and for that I’m really sorry, but, uhm... I’m leaving on Tuesday,” I told them, avoiding to look at anyone in particular.

“What do you mean ‘you’re leaving’?” Dillon asked slowly.

“It means I’m flying back to Germany on Tuesday,” I explained quietly and swallowed, prepared for the outburst of protest and anger that followed. I couldn’t blame them for being really upset with me.

“But you just joined the band, Tasha! You can’t just fucking up and leave like that, you made a commitment,” Hayden pointed out after a few very tense moments.

“I know and I’m really, really sorry about that, but... You know what happened with my sister and to be honest I just really, really, really want to go home. I don’t ask you to understand that and I completely understand if you hate me now, but it’s something I feel I need to do for myself...”

“This is fucking bullshit,” Jay rolled his eyes, grabbed his stuff and left, closely followed by Dillon and Jared.

“I’m sorry,” I told Hayden and Adam again.

“There’s no way you’ll stay? No way to convince you? Not even Stalberg with a bow around his neck saying pretty please?” I knew that Hayden was just trying to be funny, but the mention of Viktor just made me sadder.

“I’m afraid not,” I shook my head.

“It sucks big time, but I kind of understand why you’re doing it,” Adam told me. “Doesn’t mean I agree with it though, I think you should stick it out, but that’s your decision.”

“I hope it works out for you, Tasha, was a pleasure to have you,” Hayden added.

“Thanks.”

And with that I was no longer a part of The Undecided, not even a month after joining the band.

.

I didn’t sleep that night. I just couldn’t. Too many thought were racing around in my head and I was somewhat waiting for Viktor’s return, even if I was going to pretend I was asleep when he arrived.

That my departure would hurt him was the part that sucked the most. Now that I had finally decided to give him a chance, I was leaving. It wasn’t fair to him and I was totally prepared to have to find somewhere else to stay until Tuesday. There was no denying that I liked him so much, but it wasn’t enough to keep me in Chicago. My aunt in Sweden was going to kill me for ‘snagging’ a nice Swede and then letting him go like that.

.

It was early morning when I finally heard him come in the door. I could tell he was going to be quiet and for the most part it worked. When the door to the guestroom opened and a sliver of light from the hall fell into the room, I did my best to appear sleeping. It must have worked, because he closed the door a few moments later. After a little bit, the apartment returned to complete silence and I finally fell asleep.

It wasn’t surprising that I was up before Viktor. I was dead tired on my feet but decided that I would use some of the time until he woke up, to sort through all the stuff I had collected over the months. Unbelievable how much clutter I had managed to build up even with watching what I bought. A lot of that stuff was going to have to stay in Chicago or maybe Viktor was going to be nice enough to mail it to me. There was no way I could take all of it with me, so I really had to reduce it to the important memory pieces and hope the rest made it back to me somehow.

I was making something for a late lunch when Viktor finally made an appearance, trotting into the kitchen in a pair of sweats and a University of Vermont hoodie. “Good morning,” I tried to greet him cheerfully and started the coffee machine. Wordlessly he waved me over and pulled me to sit on his lap so he could hug me.

“I missed you,” he whispered into my shoulder.

“I missed you, too,” I whispered back with tears in my eyes. ‘And I’m going to miss you in the future, too,’ I added in my head.

“I brought you a few things from the road,” he told me, pulling back, and gave me a shy grin.

“You didn’t have to,” I tried to smile and slid off his lap to check on my pasta. “But thanks.”

“What’s up?” he asked. “You look different. What happened?”

I kept my back to him and swallowed harshly. “CC’s moving in with Jonathan,” I started out, knowing that the news was only going to get worse for him from here on out.

“What?!” He sounded genuinely shocked and I was glad to hear how surprised he sounded, because it meant he hadn’t known and kept the information from me.

“Yeah. So she gave the notice or whatever that’s called to our landlord, because she supposedly missed the part where I said that me moving out was temporary, not for good.”

“Holy shit, are you serious? What the fuck?”

“We have to clear the apartment by the 15th.”

“You can stay here,” he told me immediately.

“Thanks, I thought you might say that,” I told him and made myself a plate with the pasta and sauce although I wasn’t hungry anymore.

“Of course. That just sucks, why the hell would she do that?!” It felt good that Viktor was enraged on my behalf, but it was pointless. He was no longer going to feel any sympathy with me in a few moments.

“Jonathan convinced her, I guess,” I shrugged.

“I know you asked me not to, but I’m going to talk to him. I gotta. This is just ridiculous, it’s a joke. He can’t keep doing that to you guys.” I shrugged again and poked at the food with my fork. “Why are you so calm? Am I missing something?” he asked and this was the moment I had to come clean.

“I’m leaving,” I said quietly.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m leaving for Germany on Tuesday,” I clarified, staring into my food, anywhere but him.

“Are you serious?” he asked tonelessly and although it was a rhetorical question, I nodded. “That’s what you weren’t telling me? You’re leaving? On Tuesday? Are you kidding me right now, Tasha, what the fuck?”

“I’m sorry. I just can’t stay like this, without CC,” I tried to explain.

“She’s still here, Tasha, she isn’t going anywhere. But you are,” he glared at me. “What the hell are you doing? You’re running away again, Tasha. You just built up a few great things for yourself, the band, us, and you’re going to just throw it away like that?” He had every right to be angry.

“I know and I’m sorry, but... I don’t really have a reason to stay anymore and I just wanna go home, Viktor. I miss my home.”

“And I’m not a reason to stay?” he said sharply. “I know it hasn’t been long, but I thought there was really something between us.”

“There is!” I was quick to throw in. “I like you so much and I enjoy being with you a lot, but... The purpose of this whole thing was for CC and I to do this together, she’s my best friend, but now it’s all fallen apart and I just... I don’t have the strength for this anymore, I'm tired of it. I just want things to be normal again, that’s why I want to go home,” I told him, wiping off m cheeks hastily. What a crybaby I had become!

Viktor just looked at me and you could see how hurt he was. It hurt me too, but what was done, was done. I couldn’t take it back now.

“I’m sorry,” I said in a whisper, that was all my voice was capable of.

“I need some time to think about this, don’t go anywhere,” he told me and disappeared into his bedroom. I was left behind in the kitchen with the lunch I wasn’t going to eat, and with a giant piece of lead sinking into my stomach. This just sucked.

.

“Is there any way I can convince you to stay?” Viktor looked at me pleadingly. He had thoroughly surprised me by coming out of his room sometime in the afternoon and telling me that while he didn’t agree with my decision, he wanted to spend as much time with me as possible until I left. He looked rough and I knew that it wasn’t easy for him, but I was thankful he didn’t kick me out and tell me he hated me.

“I don’t think so,” I shook my head sadly. He let out a sigh and forced a piece of steak down his throat, much like I had to force my own food to go into my stomach.

“I want to keep in touch,” he told me then. “I mean, long distance would be really difficult, but I want to at least keep in touch. Maybe in the summer you could visit me in Gothenburg or I visit you.”

“I think I’d like that,” I agreed.

Because it was one of the two last nights he had with me, he somehow convinced me to sleep in his bed with him. He didn’t want to waste any time he still had, he said, and that just made me tear up again. Just like lying in his arms did.

“I'm falling in love with you,” he said quietly, running his calloused finger along my temple and cheek gently, as we faced each other in his bed. The look on his face killed me, he looked so sad and I hated myself for being the reason. “Please don’t go.”