He'll Never Know

It was the morning of the Plan test, a test for sophomores, & all I could think about was all that went down the day before. Surprisingly, I woke up with a great deal of confidence that I never had before, and that wasn't going away.

As well as any other day, James was all I could manage to concentrate on. I kept thinking about him in his cute little uniform.

I had academic team practice right after school, but I had to leave an hour early. (I didn't have to, but I wasn't sitting through two hours of just staring at the computer studying.)

As soon as the clock hot four, I was out of there. I walked down the stairs and out the double doors. I walked off the sidewalk and got into the passenger seat of my dad's van.

My dad & I were on our way to pick up a few things from the grocery store for my aunt.

We walked into the store as I pulled out my phone and began to text Lonnie through Facebook.

Lonnie already knew that I had academic team practice that evening.

"I need to tell you something," he said, out of nowhere.

"Is it bad?" I asked, finding it hard to swallow.

"I don't know. I think it's funny, but you might not," he replied.

"Is it about James?" I asked. Of course that is ALWAYS my first assumption.

"Yes, but I can't tell you right now. I have to tell you when you get home," he replied.

"Is it about his new job?" I tried once more.

"No, lol. I have to tell you when you get home." It looked like he wasn't about to crack.

"NO," I replied, "you can't do that! You have to tell me NOW!"

We now began to leave the store. From the store to my aunt's house, the messages were full of "please tell me" and "I will when you get home".

We arrived at my aunt's house and I sat on the sofa.

"Does he have a girlfriend?" I asked, my heart beginning to race.

"No," he replied.

I felt relief spread all across my body. I figured that a new job=new girls, but I was thankful that wasn't the case.

"So it's a boy? LOL!" I replied jokingly.

"I'll tell you when you get home."

I then had a brilliant idea as my dad & I were pulling out of my aunt's driveway.

"I'm home," I lied.

"Nice try," he replied, "I can see the little cell phone symbol in the corner next to your picture. Lol."

"CRAP," I replied, laughing.

It was soon that my dad & I arrived home. As I walked through the kitchen, my mom stopped me to give me some vegetable soup that she had made. I took the bowl & quickly rushed to the computer.

I quickly logged into Facebook & clicked on his message.

"I'm home," I said, "NOW TELL ME!"

"No you're not," he replied, "you're probably using the academic team computer. It doesn't let out for another thirty minutes."

"NO I'M NOT," I replied, getting a little restless, "I'm home! I told you last night that I was getting picked up early!"

I got him there, because I told him everything. Always.

"Okay," he replied, "are you ready?"

"YES," I typed rapidly, "JUST TELL ME!"

"Remember your first assumption about James?" He asked.

"Yeah, why?" I asked, confused.

"....... you were right," He replied.

I looked at the screen with wide eyes, feeling my face turn bright red.

"Are you okay?" He asked, after the long pause.

I sat there, still in shock for a few seconds before replying, "BAHAHAHAHHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" I then fell to my knees beside of my desktop, holding my stomach in laughter.

"What?" He replied, acting a little confused.

I quickly ran into my dining room, passing my mom & dad who were sitting at the dinner table.

"What's wrong? What's so funny?" My mom asked.

"DON'T WANNA KNOW!" I said through breaths, grabbing my phone to look up Lonnie's cell number.

I quickly rushed to my room & shut the door behind me, still filling the house with laughter.

As he answered, I plopped down on my bed & laughed hysterically for a good five minutes, Lonnie laughing at my reaction.

"I. CANNOT. BELIEVE. IT!" I started holding both my sides, rolling on the floor.

"I can," Lonnie began to almost match my laughter, "I'm glad you think it's funny, I figured you'd be crushed."

"CRUSHED!?" I then laughed even harder, if at all possible, "THAT'S THE MOST HILARIOUS THING I'VE EVER HEARD! I LIKE A GAY GUY!" I began to stand up, but failed, grabbing my painful side again.

"How did you find out anyway?" I managed to type, still laughing.

"You were so upset about him having his eye on someone, so I decided to ask him who it was," he replied.

Lonnie and I laughed together for a good ten minutes, then he had to go wait on his mom in the parking lot next to his college dorm.

I said goodbye, or tried to, then I hung up the phone.

I laughed once more, sitting down on my bed, then suddenly, it all stopped. I began to stare at the floor, letting my thoughts surround me.

"That's it," I thought, "it's really it. He can never be......mine."

The tears that were once from laughter soon turned to tears of hopelessness. I got so caught up in taking it as a joke that I didn't realize what it really meant.

I then layed down facing my wall & began to cry helplessly. There was absolutely nothing I could do at this point. After a year of falling for this perfect guy, I really didn't stand a chance. It's not that I thought I stood a chance before, because I knew that he was never even gonna look my way, but it was just different. Now, no matter what I did, nothing could change his mind. Nothing.

No words can describe the feeling. It felt like the life was sucked out of me, leaving my heart to slowly beat. Absolutely nothing in this world felt worse.

September 27, 2011 goes down as the worst day of my life. It changed my life forever, and everything I ever wanted was gone. All gone. I had no reason to live anymore, because if it wasn't for him, life was nothing. Crawling under a rock & slowly dying didn't sound half bad, and it never will.