But Would Anything Matter If You're Already Dead?

“Come on, Georgy, if you could kill anyone in school who would it be?” said Gerard while looking at me eagerly with these massive bloodshot eyes, he passed me the joint and I took a long drag. We were in his bedroom on a Saturday night lying on the floor getting stoned. Something we did every single weekend. I was his best friends and he was mine. He held me when I cried, he stopped me from cutting, he was my angel sent from above and I loved every single little thing about him. He was the one person in the world I could be around and feel like everything was going to be okay. He was my one and only friend. I didn’t need anybody else when I had Gerard, why would I? He was perfect.
“Okay... Annabelle Fletcher, she’s a fucking stuck up bitch and she calls me ‘Georgia the ugly Goth’ every time I walk past her, not to mention she filled my locker with water that time, remember that?”, I passed him the joint. “All my books were soaked and my phone broke. Dad kicked my ass for that”, I said rolling over to look at up at the ceiling. Gerard was the only person I’d ever told about my dad beating me, it was one of the reasons I stayed at his house so often.
“I hate seeing people hurt you Georgia. Nice, innocent people like you shouldn’t have to suffer, it’s wrong. I wish I could do something about it, I will one day I promise” he replied, whilst taking a drag.
“You put up with the same shit too Gerard! Plus it doesn’t matter, I have you”
He laughed “I love you Georgia”
“I love you too Gerard... So anyway your turn, who would you kill?”I asked
“Dean Thomas, him and his fucking jock team always beat me up and shove me in my locker. Not to mention calls me ‘emo faggot’. I would love to wipe that stupid smirk off his face” He said sitting up and chucking the joint in the bin.
“Yeah he is such a prick, plus he’s going out with Annabelle soo...”
“Yeah they have to be killed before they reproduce and have some seriously ugly annoying babies.” We both laughed.
“You know what Georgia”, he said turning on his side to face me.
“Yeah”, I said turning to face him.
“We should make a list of all the people we would kill, it can be like our own hate list”, He said casually, tracing a finger along my arm. I looked at him curiously. “Just for fun”, he added with a laugh. “I promise you I’m not a crazy murderer Georgia, plus you know me from the inside out”.
“You promise?” I asked jokingly, he grabbed my hand and held it to his heart.
“I swear on my life”

Everything started with that list. The hate list. The killing list.
I thought it was something to vent our frustrations in, Gerard saw it as something different. We had 136 people on that list. It started with Annabelle and Dean, then every day after school if someone said something or did something mean to us, we wrote them on the list. It was written it in a small black book and hidden in Gerard’s undie draw. No one knew about it except us, probably because nobody cared about us. We were just geeks with no other friends except each other, the only reason people actually noticed us was when we were being picked on. It never bothered me too much though because I had Gerard, he meant so much more to me than some stupid insults or some bruises from my dad.

But it did bother Gerard, he hated seeing me hurt, he saw it as his responsibility to protect me and no matter how hard I tried to tell him it didn’t matter, he always said that he wanted revenge.
Weeks went by after we made that list, slowly adding more and more people; soon enough it spiralled form a joke into an obsession. It was all we talked about, who we should add, who was top 10, who deserved to be tortured before they died... I realised what it was doing to us, it was messing with our heads and I wanted to burn the book. But Gerard laughed and said he didn’t want to burn the book after all the thought we had put into it.
So we decided to just keep it where it was and never open it again. This suited us both and things went back to normal.
A couple of weeks later on Monday 22nd, Gerard rang and said he had something to take care of, so he wouldn’t be able to drive me to school like he normally did. He didn’t show up at school till lunch break and came and found me at our normal spot behind the cafeteria. There were tears rolling down his pale cheeks.

“Gerard, what’s wrong? Are you hurt?” I said wiping a tear from his cheek .He pulled me into a hug.
“I love you so much Georgia, You’re the only person in the world who truly understands me and I hate seeing people hurt you Georgy. Nice, innocent people like you shouldn’t have to suffer, it’s wrong. Do you remember the day I told you that? And I promised one day I would do something about it. Well today’s the day”, he said softly.
“Wait Gerard what are you talking about?”I asked breathlessly. “I don’t want you to do anything that will get you in trouble.”
“A bit too late for that”, he laughed, but I didn’t understand this. I was so confused. Gerard scared me. I had never been scared around Gerard before in my life. And that scared me more. Something was different about him. He looked into my eyes, they were darker than usual and I didn’t like it. “Georgia I want you to go and sit in the library, so that people will see you there. And promise me you’ll stay there no matter what you hear okay” he brushed his fingers along my cheek.
“What are you talking about Gerard? Whats going on?”
“Georgia I love you more than anything. Your happiness means more than my life”, he kissed my forehead and pushed a crumpled piece of paper in my hand “Pity the living not the dead Georgy, goodbye gorgeous”. He squeezed my hand and turned away walking towards the cafeteria. I couldn’t speak. Couldn’t move. What was he talking about? He was probably just egging the cheerleaders or vandalising a wall. But something in his eyes said he was doing more damage than chucking some eggs. Gerard had never said goodbye before. He always said ‘laters’ as in see you later. Goodbye just seemed so much more permanent. A loud bang from the cafeteria interrupted my thoughts, followed by a chorus of screams and shouts. My legs moved by themselves, and with no control over what I was doing, I sprinted to the cafeteria; Crossing my fingers that the bang wasn’t a gun fire.

Of course it was a gun fire. I walked into the cafeteria to find Gerard standing with a gun and cocking it towards Annabelle. I screamed out his name as he shot her. He looked towards me and smiled. “I love you Georgia”, he said before putting the gun up to his head.
I lost my best friend that day.