Status: Chapters submitted when the author has inspiration

For All Things Beautiful

Of Goodbyes and Sleepless Nights

Dear James Dean

Goodbyes have never been easy for me, nor have I learned a way to become better at them. Instead, goodbyes have only become more difficult for me, and watching you leave is the worst.

I always know you have to go eventually, but dear, that doesn't make our last embrace of the night any less bittersweet. Perhaps you think I 'm crazy for stalling every one of your departures by hours, but I start to say goodbye and suddenly I am submerged into a dark place with no stars, no moon, to guide me.

This night was no different, and as I leaned against your car door to stop you from the goodbye I hated, you said, so gently that it broke my heart, "Ma Chere, I have to go."

Shaking my head like a pouty toddler and shivering from the night, I let you wrap your arms around me. Shielding me from the cold autumn night you leaned in and put your mouth close to me ear, so near that I could feel your breath on my skin.

"Let me tell you a secret," you whispered.


I could hear your smile as you continued. "I'm going to leave because I have to but wait -before you protest- here's the good part. You'll go to sleep and then wake up and realize that it's a new day. And do you know what a new day brings? It's brings more chances for me to be with you. Tomorrow will be here before you know it and dear, for you to have tomorrow you have to let me go tonight. That's the most important secret."

How, oh how, could I argue with that? So, like a defeated child I let you walk me back to my front door and then kiss me with a warmth that could keep me protected from the strongest winds.Then, like frost under the winter sun, you'd have left as soon as I'd open my eyes.

Despite your secret that loomed in my mind long after you had gone, I couldn't help but feel  that every time you leave there is always that coldest chance that you may never return to me. This is the fear that grips my heart every time I walk back into the lonely company of my house and sink into my empty bed. The fears replace your arms that held me mere minutes before and they hold me tight until all hope of sleep abandons me. 

Because I've been without you before and I don't think I could do it again. If I could hold you captive and make you promise never to utter the word goodbye I would. As it is, though, I will have to keep my heart contented with the secret you give me with every goodnight. As it is, I will have to trust that what ever brings you back to me will not break.

The fears seem irrational, my dear, but they are still very real.

Forever yours, 

Audrey Hepburn