No More Frowns

Cassadee was a perfect date, Jessica decided. They started with dinner at a small, family-style restaurant, where Jess had the most delicious macaroni and cheese, followed by a thick slice of rich New York style cheesecake, which the pair shared. Afterwards, Cass drove them to a small park outside of town and parked on the side of the street.

“Come on. I bet you haven’t been for a walk in the park in ages. I know I haven’t,” Cassadee said, getting out and rounding the car. She held open the passenger door for Jessica, like none of her dates ever had. As Jess got out of the car, Cass took her hand with a smile that spread the width of her face. “You don’t get a lot of walk around the park time when you’re on tour. It’s mainly tour buses, and venues, and fast food. Sometimes you get a break to do whatever, but most of the time, when you get that break, you just want to rest or have some fun.”

“Is it different, being on your own now?” Jess asked, following Cass’s lead into the park where deep red and bright yellow leaves littered the stone pathway and lay a leafy blanket over the green, unmown grass. Their shoes crunched the leaves underfoot, as they walked. Cassadee’s hand was so warm wrapped with Jessica’s and Jess was so blown away by this. It had been forever since anyone had held her hand, or walked with her through a park. They both had grabbed coats and had bundled up as they left the restaurant, preparing themselves against the chilled autumn winds that would unexpectedly blow in, like bad pennies.

“Oh, yeah, especially since I don’t have the cushy safety of a label anymore. It’s not just that I’m a solo artist that’s different; it’s that feeling of being alone. You don’t have the band to back you up. You don’t have that record label to count on. You’re completely, alone. It’s scary.”

“I’m sure someone will pick you up. I haven’t heard anything recent of yours, but I know you’ve got an amazing voice,” Jessica admitted. “I feel bad that I haven’t kept up with all of the music I used to love. I just. I felt like it was all pointless.”

“You were going through a rough time,” she said, her voice was sweet and gentle, full of compassion. Jess stared for a moment at her date, taking in all of the freckles that peppered Cassadee’s nose and cheeks, the slight blush that spread over her cheek from the air, the dimples that appeared with her smile.

“I used to be in love with music. I couldn’t get through a day without listening to it. Music made my life better, got me through so much shit. And then I turned my back on it. I didn’t want anything to do with it because it made me emotional. I didn’t like how it made me feel,” Jessica finally said. She hadn’t said it out loud, ever. She’d ignored how she ended up here.

“We all get like that sometimes, hun,” Cassadee soothed, brushing her thumb over Jess’s knuckles. “I can’t even tell you how many times I just wanted to give up and go to college. I didn’t let my fear push me down. And I’m hoping you can see that too.”

Jessica averted her gaze from Cassadee, not wanting to talk about this anymore. She wasn’t comfortable talking about her problems, and she didn’t want to dump all of her life on Cass on their first date.

“Enough about me,” she laughed it off and turned the conversation back to her date. “How long have you been doing music?”

“A long time. Most of my life,” Cassadee said.

“That’s amazing,” Jess breathed, her eyes falling to her shoes as they walked. She watched the leaves beneath her steps, listening to the city sounds she’d grown accustomed to since she moved her when she was just 18 years old. She’d left her New Jersey town for the big city, the city that never sleeps, to pursue her dreams of working at either a record label, or even better, Glamour Kills. Unfortunately, the big city wasn’t much of a wish-granting factory and Jess had landed a low-paying office job working as a secretary. She had worked there for a few years and still wasn’t sure what the company even did.

Jess fell silent, thinking back on all of the disappointments she’d faced since she’d come to New York City. She’d tried everything to get her foot in the door at any of the numerous companies stationed in New York, everything short of getting down on her knees and begging.

“What’s the matter?” Cassadee asked, stopping and turning her date to face her, although Jess’s face was still cast downwards towards the ground. When Jess merely shook her head, a frown overtook Cassadee’s lips. “Hey, don’t shut me out now. We were having such a good time.”

Jessica peeked up at the singer and their eyes connected. Jess’s free hand reached up, mostly without her consent, and touched Cassadee’s lips, cold from the wind, and the older woman smiled against her date’s fingertips. She kissed them gently and pulled Jess close by the front of her coat.

“You know, I’ve never met anyone quite like you, Jessica. You’re funny, and smart, and considerate. You’re shy, which is adorable as hell. And the fact that you have scars,” Cassadee said, brushing her thumb over Jessica’s wrist. She didn’t finish her train of thought. “You don’t think you’re beautiful, but you are. You are so beautiful in every single way possible. I just, I can’t think of any person that I’d rather spend my night with.”

Tears blurred Jessica’s vision. No one had spoken to her like that in such a long time. No one had told her what she desperately wanted, and needed, to hear. She’d been so hard on herself. She was disappointed with herself when she’d settled for that job at that company, and she was angry at herself for falling into this rut that kept her from going after what she really wanted. She had friends in New York City, but they’d disappeared as soon as she had. Would they still answer their phones if Jessica called them? She didn’t know, and she didn’t know if she was willing to try.

“Oh, Jess. I didn’t mean to upset you,” Cassadee cooed, kissing Jessica’s forehead gently.

“You didn’t,” Jess assured her date, leaning into her. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything, love.”

“What made you want to talk to me?”

“You looked lonely,” Cassadee replied.

“So you pitied me?”

“No, not at all! I looked at you and thought, that is one beautiful girl and she doesn’t even know it. She needs a friend.”

“You only want to be my friend?”

“No, I thought taking you out to dinner and sharing a dessert would be enough of a hint. Apparently not,” Cassadee huffed and before Jessica could respond, the older singer had tipped Jess’s head up and kissed her. The kiss, to Jessica, was perfect. It was unlike any other she’d had, but Jess couldn’t identify why. Maybe because of who Cassadee was. Or maybe it was how much Cassadee meant to Jess. Or maybe, and this was more likely, it was because Cassadee had cared when no one else did. Cassadee was willing to push her way into Jessica’s dull, greyscale life and paint her surroundings. The singer was different than anyone else, and Jessica was learning to love it.