Hate Amongst the Labels

Chapter 8

I am Sam

Danielle’s POV

“Sam is someone you don’t know. And you will never know him.” That’s what I reply with. Just by hanging around Taylor for a few hours I can tell she won’t feel sympathetic towards my feelings. So why should I bother telling her? The only thing she’ll do is stomp on them and the maybe spit on them for an after effect.
“Oh common. Let me guess, he was your first right?” Taylor taunted me. You could see it behind her brown eyes. They were just ready to attack me as soon as I could allow them too.
“Maybe.” I had some witty comeback but it was lost behind the memories.
“Please tell us.” This actually hadn’t come from Taylor. This came from a high pitched quiet voice sitting to my right. This came from the kid with the bowl cut.
“Why do you care?” My eyes and head are pointing down. For once I’m a little ashamed of my scars. A little ashamed of myself.
“We just want to know why he makes such a mark on your life.” Devin replies. I roll my eyes towards him, he looks interested, like my life story is some kind of soap opera.
“You won’t understand…” I say. It’s true they won’t. They’ll just make fun of me.
“How do you know?” This came from Tish’s mouth.
“Because it’s a complicated situation and you probably don’t want to listen to me babble.”
“I kind of want to hear it” Tish’s light voice offers.
“Yeah me too.” Devin squeaks.
I look up towards Taylor; her face isn’t so hard anymore it’s a little softer. She just nods at me. Like that insinuates that she wants to hear it too. So because of that I answer her question. Who the fuck is Sam? “My ex-boyfriend.”
“Yeah I think we got that homes. But why is he so important that you’ve got his name tattooed on your arm for life.” Taylor’s voice is rough, but nothing I can’t handle.
My eyes continue to look down as I remember my life with Sam. I drain all the emotion from my voice as I ask “What do you want me to tell you?”
“I don’t know start from the beginning, how did you two meet?”
Out of all the quiet chaos in my life I still manage to find the memory of the beginning.
“You have to imagine me before the black clothes, before the pale skin. Before the scars…”

Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~One Year Ago~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Text From: Larissa

~Hey u coming to my house tonight?

Text From: Danielle

~Why? What’s at ur house?

Text From: Larissa

~A hell lot better than whats at urs.

Text From: Danielle

~Lol True. Kay I’ll show. What time?

Text From: Larissa

~Six.

Six came that night and I showed. It wasn’t anything special of course just some stupid party. But she was right it was a lot better than my house. All I did was watch TV. The night didn’t really contain much just what you’d see at a regular party, drinking, smokers, and people grinding up against one another. I just lobbed around looking for something to do.
I got a couple of guy’s numbers. Talked to them for awhile but nothing special. Honestly it wasn’t anything worth remembering. I don’t even remember getting Sam’s number but, I got it.

It wasn’t till two weeks later when I got the text from a number that appeared as Sam.

Text From: Sam

~Hey

At first I was a little thrown, I didn’t remember anyone named Sam, but I replied anyway.

Text From: Danielle

~Hey.

Text From: Sam
~Remember me?

Text From: Danielle

~Lol no.

Text From: Sam

~Lol that’s okay because I remember you.

Text From: Danielle

~We’ll I’m glad you do. Can I ask why your texting me?

Text From: Sam

~Free country; I can do what I want.

Text From: Danielle

~Yeah…okay I’m gonna stop texting you now.

Text From: Sam

~NO! Wait! Sorry. I don’t mean to be an ass. I just wanna talk to u.

Text From: Danielle

~Yeah well start talking because I’ve got stuff to do.

Text From: Sam

~Whats your favorite Color? 

Honestly at that point I was a little creeped out. Maybe I should have stopped… but I didn’t. I just answered his questions.
Well that’s how the first day was. He ask me like really simple questions like what my favorite movie was, what was in my CD player, you know the normal bullshit you ask someone. Seriously though I was thrown off, I didn’t even remember the guy and he was all close on me. But I was also turned on. Because he seemed committed to me and my dumb answers.
I stopped answering his text at midnight that night. I was getting annoyed.

Text From: Sam

~What are you wearing?   
Text From: Danielle

~A hat, high heals, and nothing else.

Test From: Sam

~Really!?

Text From: Danielle

~No. Not really.
Okay. I’m going to bed....night…Sam.

Text From: Sam

~Night Danielle 

Would it surprise you that I got a text from him the very next day?

Text From: Sam

~Morning!!!!

When I heard the beep of my phone go off, I rolled over and checked the number, and I literally groaned out of pain. I could just tell he wasn’t going to stop. At least until he got what he wanted. Which I had no idea what he wanted so basically the texting was never going to stop. But what do I do? I answer it anyways.

Text From: Danielle

~Are you aware of the time?

Text From: Sam

~Of course! It’s Saturday! It’s April! Its time for you to stop sleeping in!

Text From: Danielle

~Are you on crack?

Text From: Sam

~Not regularly. No.

Text From: Danielle

~That’s good to know.

Text From: Sam

~Yes, yes it is. Wanna meet for breakfast?

Text From: Danielle

~Whoa. Slow it down I don’t even know you. I barely remember you!
I’m not just going to drive out of my house to meet some stranger.

Text From: Sam

~Totally understandable! Lets become un-strangers then!
Wanna go first? Or I can?

Yeah. It’s a little creepy. Actually it’s really creepy. Some random dude text’s me out of the blue wants to know all these things about me and wants to meet me and is so persistent that he’s willing to wait as long as it takes just so he can see me? Yeah it’s creepy!
But you have to understand where I’m coming from.

End Flashback~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taylor was giving me this look of patheticism. That’s not a word but that’s the look she was giving me.
I just looked back at her, but she could tell I was weak. “Yeah so that’s basically what happened. He kept texting me for a month and I finally went out with him. Anymore none-of-your-business questions?”
“Yeah I have a question,” Taylor says. “Don’t you think it’s a little…I don’t know creepy that this guy was so persistent of seeing you. Like he seemed stalkerish.”
Hell yeah that crossed my mind a billion times the first month. The month he kept texting me. But like all stories you have to understand where the character was coming from. And in my case it was out of attention.
“See I knew I shouldn’t have told you this, I knew you would get it.” The emotions came back in voice just in time for me to defend myself. I could feel my face getting hot.
“Help us understand.” Tish says out of the blue. “It seems like you had some reason for dating him and keeping him around. Why is that?” Her voice had a kind tone to it. Drawing me in. Making me want to believe she did.
But I looked towards Taylor whose face did not read kindness. Not at all. I have no reason to believe she really wants to understand. I believe that she’s just finding a way to pick on me.
I’m sitting there debating what I should do. Should I go into more detail or stop it while I’m ahead?
“Please. We really just want to understand you. I mean you’re a little bizarre. And I’ve always wondered what made an emo person…well emo.” Tish once again says this with sincerity, and it makes me want to reach out. Makes me want to trust another human being…BUT Its risky because the last time I trusted another human being my life got fucked over to a major point. But…I’m in an auditorium, God only knows what time of night sitting with people as far opposite as me, and I’m thinking whats the worse that can happen?
I mean I’m already at the bottom, I can only go up from here right?
“I went with him because of my dad.” There I’ve said it!
“Your dad? What did you do it to piss him off?” Taylor asks me. Id bet my life she’d date a guy just to fuck her dad over. I on the other hand am not that put up worthy.
“No…It’s kind of a long story…” I say short. Seriously not wanting to go into details.
“We got nothing else to do.” Devin’s voice says.
“Yeah I mean what else are we going to talk about. None of us have anything in common.” Tish says. And as SOON as she says that I feel Devin and Taylor grow cold. Because I know that their thinking of when Taylor did Kevin in the locker rooms a few hours earlier. That makes Tish and Taylor have something in common. Which is like pigs flying. Impossible.
I find it really funny and I’m tempted to break out into laughter but I must stay focused. The four of us stay silent for a little awhile with the only noise coming from Kevin whose snoring somewhere in one of the rows of seats. Taylor breaks the cold icy air.
“Yeah since we have nothing in common…tells us. Whats with your dad tying to your lover?” Taylor’s harshness has drained and her voice is dull with a little panic. Probably afraid I’m going to say something like…yeah we have stuff in common both of you fucked Kevin! I wouldn’t do that though. But Taylor doesn’t know that.
I take advantage of her moment of weakness and decide to spill my guts to them. “Okay. Where do I start…um first off I’m adopted, because my dad’s are gay. So from the start it was…harder to bond with him because it wasn’t like he fell in love with me at birth type thing. Right away I hit off with my one dad though, Brian. He was more like me. He had this lighter side to life. And he wasn’t afraid to be who he was. He was like the biggest nerd in high school. People always made fun of him but something inside him knew that in a different world they could be friends. So he like never hated on anyone. You know?” Its was interesting because when I started telling this story my voice was much weaker and didn’t have a lot of emotion but by the time I got to talking about my Bri-dad everything changed. My voice became lighter and the memory of him was so bright it was like all my darkness and hate went away.
“I didn’t know you where adopted. You look a lot like you’re…uh one dad that drops you off at school.” Tish mentions. It’s funny because I could have sworn she never really knew who I was. But I guess she did notice me…weird.
“I know, it’s because of the hair.” Both I and my adopted dad were born with pitch black hair, making us similarly look related.
“Yeah…please continue.” Taylor roughs. Her harshness is back making me cautionary. But I’ve gone this far might as well go all the way.
“So basically I was like him, because I was the geek in middle school. He helped me get through all the bullying…he told me once that all the kids who picked on me, where just as vulnerable as me. Its funny I never thought he would be right…” I trailed off looking around at our four person circle. “Anyways though. Freshman year at high school came and I changed. I wasn’t a geek; I grew into being an average looking teenage girl. Who didn’t stand out as the gigantic nerd type. Things seemed cool you know, I had decent friends, I went on a date or two. Life…was okay. But then Brian died.” I could feel the clutter feeling in my chest as I say the last part. It’s hard when you lose the only thing in your life that understands you. And Sam wasn’t one of those. He just makes as an easy excuse.
Brian is the reason I’m so dark, and Sam is the reason I hate people.
“How did he die?” The voice that meant to be quiet and soothing was loud pitched and squeaking, meaning Devin.
“Um he was beaten and gagged to death by some guys who found out he was gay.” I was choking on some of the words as the tears began to fill my eyes. One streamed over and I quickly wiped it with my sleeve.
No one said anything. We were all quiet as I got myself together. It was only when I looked up did Devin say something. “Brian Johnson? He was beaten behind the dumpster of an ally near Kroger’s?”
“Yeah that’s him.” I answer as I try to keep my tears from falling all over the place.
“I…” He stopped hesitant. I showed him that it was okay to continue. “I was in Kroger, when he got beaten.”
“Yeah…” I didn’t really know what to say. Actually I didn’t care. There were lots of people in there. But no one could hear him…because he didn’t get the chance to scream.
“Wh…why is your last name Aineel?” Devin asks, hesitant again.
I laugh a little to myself. I don’t know why though, because I can feel the tears strolling down my face. There’s no real need to stop them. “Because my dad and him were keeping their love a secret. They weren’t married and I’m adopted under my dad’s name.” I smiled but the tears showed my obvious sadness.
Tish talked for the first time in awhile. “How does this connect you with Sam?” She didn’t say it rudely she said it…in a curious way.
“Um it’s like when Brian died, my other dad died too. We hadn’t bonded much before that, he adopted me so late... I was 11. So we were still at that process when Brian died. And after that it just stopped. Because he stopped. He stopped living, and stopped caring, he stopped believing…so we just became two strangers living in a house. Still are two strangers living in a house.
“So after that, I tried to stay strong like Brian would have wanted me too…but I couldn’t stop from all that was taking over me. I became so depressed and so needy for human love that I went with Sam. He seemed so committed to me even though he didn’t know me. So ready to understand and accept me…that I just went for it.”
I finished and no one says anything. We just sit here for awhile, thinking to ourselves. I think about Brian and how he’s the real reason I’m so desperate for life to end. Sam isn’t the reason. But I was always told to keep Brian’s relationship with my dad a secret, even after his death, because people would come after my dad, and me. People in this world who can’t accept them for who they are.
So because of that, people just assume it’s Sam and I don’t tell them any different.
After minutes of silence Taylor talks. “Wait, okay so you’re an emo because your dad died right?”
I nod. “It’s impossible to get over the only person in this world that understands you.”
“Yes. I understand that, but what about Sam. How does he play into who you are now?” Taylor waves her hand at me, insinuating the way I’m dressed.
“He’s just the cover up; no one is supposed to know Brian was my dad. Well still is. No one…” I give them all a look to show them I’m serious. But I’m not worried because I don’t believe they are bad enough people to share that information with anyone. I actually don’t think they are bad people…just teenagers.
“No…no there’s more to it. You wouldn’t say his name the way you do, if there wasn’t, you wouldn’t still be in love with him, if there wasn’t.”
I give her an annoyed look. Why does she have to be so damn observant? “Maybe there is.” I say shortly.
“Tell us.” Devin says. I turn towards him and I’m about to ask why I should when I realize that it’s going to be the same reason they’ve said before; because we have nothing else to do. I better not be the only one spilling my guts tonight, I wanna know why Tish hasn’t told Kevin about his seed growing inside her!
“Um okay… well I started dating Sam, and he made me feel happy, when we were alone at least. When I was in front of his friends he was a different person, he’d pick on me, beat my personality down. And every time I wanted to leave him for it! But I didn’t because he was really all I had. My friends comforted me, but only to a point. Most of them didn’t know what was wrong, and neither did Sam. I’ve never EVER told anyone about Brian, I’ve always said I lost a relative who was very close to me. And everyone took it as something that only time could mend. But Sam didn’t take it like that he told me about when his dad walked out how he started cutting. And that connection, the connection of dads leaving our worlds, made me draw closer to Sam and his bizarre healing methods. So I started cutting too. Started letting out everything that was missing inside me.
“I don’t feel much, even when I was with Sam. I had no emotions except when I was with the behind closed doors side of him. That’s the side that made me happy, that’s what started to bring my emotions back. And cutting just made me feel alive, which has been hard to do since I lost Brian. But it wasn’t enough. Though I kept falling for him, and eventually falling in love with him, I had this wall up. I couldn’t fully show who I was, and he right away showed all his secrets, all his loves in life, and everything that was a part of him. I couldn’t show that though. I was too afraid. To afraid that something would happen, and I’d lose someone who’d understood me…again.
“Eventually I could tell he was getting frustrated with how I never opened up. He was frustrated that 9 months of our relationship had past and that he didn’t know the real me. On the basic outside, not the inside. And I don’t know why but I hated myself for it. I hated that I wouldn’t let myself be with him. And I thought Brian, if Brian was alive he’d tell me that I should trust Sam and let myself open to him. And just thinking that made me have encouragement that things would be okay. So one night, I spilled my guts to him, spilled everything except about Brian. I felt that was for another time. I told him everything inside me and I don’t know what happened but something I said made him give me a funny look.
“I looked back at him and said “You okay” and the look just wiped away from his face and he smiled, he said “Yeah I’m fine. Just glad you opened up.” So that’s where this scar came from.” I remove my hand from my arm to show them the pink scar that spells his name. “We did it to each other that night. Like some kind of oath of our love I guess you could say.”
Tish, Taylor, and Devin just stare at it. Taylor speaks as she looks at it. “Geezus, your relationship with him seems way beyond normal teenage years.”
I laugh at that. “Trust me it wasn’t. It just seems that way. Reality of it is it is he was just a temporary comfort that turned into a whole other drama of its own.”
Tish looks up at me. “So what happened why did you relationship end?”
“I got caught up in the love with him. Didn’t see his distance from me and eventually he started texting a lot. I didn’t think much of it at first but that’s what happened. One night I looked on his phone and saw that he was texting, some girl, with the same questions he first asked me. And from there it was obvious that he lost interest in me. And I broke up with him. As hard as it was, I did it before he could tare my heart more that he did.”
Taylor face scrunched in confusion. “How the hell did he tare your heart?”
I laughed to myself. All my tears from earlier were dried out amongst my face and as my cheeks moved I could feel their dry stains crack. “He got distant…after I told him all the inner stuff about me. That’s why I hate people, because it seems no matter how close you get to them they’ll never understand you.”
“Isn’t that like the opposite of what Brian taught you?” Taylor smirks.
“Yeah, but I can’t be as forgiving as him. I can’t see the beauty in everyone like he did. Nor do I really want to.” As I say the last part, I feel my innards lock up. I’m done talking about myself. Danielle is on shut down mode. For life.
“…whatever. Okay I got another question why is it bitches like you two,” She points to me and Tish, “stay with assholes like Kevin and your so called Sam?”
Tish answers for me, and that’s good because I wasn’t going to answer. “Because like the outside of them is the only ugly part. What YOU don’t see is the best thing in the world.” Tish lays her hand over her stomach and smiles.
“…Yeah okay then.” Taylor says as she leans back in her chair with her arms folded across her chest.
I turn to Devin. “So whats your story?”