Guts

The coffee shop smelled like, well, coffee; a mix of assorted flavors ground fresh. The walls were a mahogany wood as well as the counters, tables and chairs. Everything had a delicate, cabin feel to it. I took one sip of my coffee. It ran through my body, as though it flowed through my veins, warming every inch of my skin from my head to my toes to the tips of my fingers. I wondered if it could reach my heart.
I set my Styrofoam cup on the table as Caleb walked over and took a seat across from me. His dark brown hair was cut short now, though it was usually shaggy and disheveled. He looked clean shaven and had put some effort into his attire today-a nice button up black and red flannel with a pair of black skinny jeans and some sneakers. He wore a thick, brown jacket over his shirt. I bit the insides of my cheek as he sat down. It’s been over a year and I was just finding the guts to speak to him about our past endeavors.
“So,” He began while looking at me with his eyes, cold as ice as if they could cut right through me. I could tell he somewhat loathed me and he had every right to. “What did you want to talk about?”
“About last year,” I gulped, taking another sip of coffee to wash down the anxiety building in my throat. It wasn’t exactly working.
He raised his eyebrows at me, “What about it?”
“Um, well, you know,” I said softly.
“I do?” A look of pain washed over his face as he realized what I was hinting at. He leaned back in his chair with one leg bent over the other, “Continue.”
“I’m sorry,” I blurted out, then quickly looked down at the mahogany surface. Strands of auburn fell into my eyes. I ran my fingers through my hair in attempt to comb them back and looked up at Caleb. He was so focused on what I was about to say.
I took a deep breath, “I’m sorry for leading you on, Caleb. I’m not really sure how you feel about any of this,” I spoke, referring to my current relationship with Josh, “But I can’t pretend it isn’t something I think about. I never meant to kiss you.”
As soon as the words left my mouth I regretted them greatly. I looked back down at my crimson nails, studying the glitter overlay on top, trying to think of how to word this another way.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” My face scrunched up a bit, “I don’t regret kissing you. But it wasn’t right of me. I didn’t intend on pursuing anything,” My eyebrows furrowed in worry that I was being too harsh. Was there really a nice way to tell someone you never had feelings for them, even though your actions showed differently?
Caleb sipped his coffee intently, “So what you’re telling me is that you kissed me, but there was nothing behind it?”
I nodded slowly, “Kind of,” I sighed, “Yes. But the same goes for inviting you over just a few weeks after that. I don’t know how you read it, but it was just a friendly gesture. I didn’t mean to lead you on into thinking that this would go somewhere,” I winced at my words.
“Lily,” He said while staring at me with his cold, hard eyes, “You used to text me all of the time. I finally start responding more frequently and trying to see you more often, and just putting forth more effort. The day I put forth more effort is the day you stopped putting any.”
He was right. I stopped putting effort because I was tired of the chase. Besides, Josh had stepped into the picture and he wasn’t much of a chase. I didn’t have to beg for his attention. Still, I wasn’t the victim and he deserved an apology. No one deserves to be led on.
“I stopped because,” I said, looking at him straight in the eyes, “I was tired of chasing you and tired of trying to get your attention. There were days when you’d pay attention to me and others where it was like you didn’t even know me.”
Caleb looked out the window, trying to think of how to respond. He knew I was right.
“Look,” I sighed, “I’m trying to say I’m sorry for leading you on. I don’t want to end on a bad note with you. I know you have to see Josh and me together, and maybe it’s tough on you, I don’t know if it is anymore, but I wanted to apologize because I care about you. It’s not fair that I stopped contact with you with no warning. I feel awful about it, and I’m not even sure if it’s that big of a deal at all.”
“Well, I’ve gotten used to the idea of you and Josh. It’s just that I wish you would’ve given me a reason.”
“Why didn’t you ask for one?”
“I just made assumptions once you and Josh became more exclusive. I figured if there was any other reason, you would’ve told me.”
Thanks Caleb, why don’t you just drag me down a little further into this hole of guilt?
I took another sip of coffee, “I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” He smiled crookedly; “I’m fine. But thank you for making some time for me again.”
Caleb glanced at his phone to check the time as I looked over him intently; his cold, pale skin and cold, light eyes. Everything seemed so soft and light, like porcelain. He seemed so fragile, like with one small touch, he was capable of breaking.
“I’ve got to go to work in an hour,” He said while standing.
I stood too and reached out for a hug, which he weakly returned, “Good-bye Caleb.”
“Good-bye Lily,” He grabbed his Styrofoam cup and headed out the heavy, wooden doors.
I watched him leave with a tinge of guilt in my stomach. Or was it just the coffee? Could I have said more or spoke less, let him have a chance to say how he felt? Who am I kidding; guys don’t talk about things like that. If anything, Caleb seemed like it was painful to even be there.
Grabbing my coffee, I headed for the door. It took a lot of guts for me to say anything to him and he just shrugged it off like it was absolutely nothing. Maybe I just spent the whole year over-thinking things myself. That was the last time I ever tried to apologize to someone.