Coming Home to You

“Don’t forget to change the gauze on your cut tonight,” Brian lectures, passing me a brush to use on Epona. I laugh lightly and kiss his cheek. He’s been in full-fledged FBI mode since the attack, and I can’t say that I blame him. If it were the other way around, I would’ve locked him in a tower like Rapunzel.

“Whatever you say, mother.”

Brian playfully nudges me and we continue our work in silence, stealing glances and an occasional kiss every now and then. Just before we finish, Jimmy shows with news that drastically changes my mood.

“Brian, Zack is getting ready to head back. He wants to see you,” I hear Jimmy mumble to Brian as I finish brushing down Epona. I roll my eyes at the look Brian gives me as he walks by before shaking my head. Putting away the brush, I kiss Epona’s forehead before walking out of her stall, closing and locking it behind me. Her eyes meet mine, and I sigh, because she knows something is wrong. But, I just don’t want to deal with it right now. Jimmy turns to me, blocking my path.

“What do you want, Jim? I’m tired, and I just wanna lay down.”

Jimmy shakes his head, folding his arms across his chest. “You’re upset.”

“No, I’m not, I’m tired. We’ve been out here since the crack of dawn. It’s nearly midnight now, and all I wanna do is relax.”

“You’re doing it again.”

I roll my eyes, getting annoyed with Jimmy’s interrogation. “Doing what? What could I possibly be doing now besides sweating my ass off?”

“The same thing you did seven years ago, Matthew. You’re pushing everyone away and burying your emotions. You claim that you’re fine when on the inside you’re hurting like a bitch. Why not just talk to Brian about it? He’ll never be able to help you if he doesn’t know how you’re feeling.”

Beginning my trek back to the house, with Jimmy hot on my heels, I dig the palms of my hands into my eyes. I don’t want to admit to myself that Jimmy is right, because then I would have to face the problem. That’s the last thing I want to have to do right now.

“I’m fine, Jimmy, really. I just wanna take a nice, hot shower and crawl into bed. If Brian wants to talk to me, he knows where to find me. Now, please, just drop it. I can feel a headache creeping up on me.” Jimmy scoffs, grabbing me by the collar of my shirt and hastily pulling me the rest of the way towards the house. Once there, Jimmy pushes me into the living room, nearly causing me to trip over my own feet.

“Jimmy—”

“Shut up,” he guides me towards the office and opens the door without so much as a knock. Much to my displeasure, I come face-to-face with the man I love and the man who’s come to take him away from me…like they did seven years ago. I frown at the thought, but quickly mask it as Brian walks over to me, kissing my cheek.

“Hey, babe. What are you doing in here?” He asks softly, wrapping an arm around my waist. I shrug, sending a glare towards Jimmy, who actually dares to speak.

“He needs to talk to you about something. Now.”

“No, I don’t. Plus, you’re having a meeting with Zack, which Jimmy rudely interrupted. There’s nothing to talk about—”

“Matt, stop it. You’re going to stay here and talk with your boyfriend about what’s bothering you. Quit trying to hold it in, or you’re going to end up right back where you started. Depressed and in pain, and I’ll be damned if I allow that to happen again. Sit your ass in that chair and fucking talk or so help me God, I’ll lock you in here for the night.”

I roll my eyes, pouting like a child as Zacky leaves with Jimmy. However, my eyes widen at the sound of the door locking, and I quickly rush to the door, jiggling the handle.

“James Owen Sullivan, you better unlock this door right now!”

“No can do, boss. You need to learn how to express your emotions to someone other than Harper or Epona. Brian is your boyfriend, Matt, so start acting like it. I’ll be back to check on you two in a couple of hours.” With that said, the sound of Jimmy’s boots retreating from the door meets my ears and I sigh before turning to Brian, who has a concerned look on his face.

“What’s he talking about, Matt?” He steps towards me, softly rubbing his thumb against my cheek.

“Nothing, it’s nothing. I’m fine, really. I’m just tired, you know.”

“You’re lying.”

I roll my eyes. “No, I’m not.”

Brian frowns, saying nothing as I put on a brave front. I refuse to allow myself to break down like the many other times in my life since Brian’s first departure. I was fucking pathetic, so why continue to cry over someone when it never gets you anywhere? Yes, I love Brian. I love the man with every fiber of my fucking being, but I can’t continue dwelling on the upcoming day on which he leaves me again. He’s going to move on with his life back in California, and I’ve got to suck it up and live my life here on the ranch. Whether Brian is by my side or not.

“Will you please talk to me?” Brian pleads, biting his lip.

“There’s nothing to talk about, period. So, just drop it.”

Brian snorts, rolling his eyes, and we fall into an uncomfortable silence filled with glares and fidgeting.

Finally, after what seems like forever, Brian breaks the silence with an overly dramatic sigh and steps towards me. I don’t want him anywhere near me. He’s already gotten too close to me in the short period of time that he’s been here, and that’s what makes it even more painful. I just got him back, and now I have to say goodbye all over again. I’m tired of the fucking games.

“Mattie, listen, please. While I was in town with Zacky, working on the case, he made me realize something.”

I raise an eyebrow, his words sparking my interest.

“What would that be?”

“That all this time, I’ve been settling. I’ve been settling for happy when I know for a fact that I can change everything and have bliss.”

My eyes narrow, my nostrils flaring in slight anger. Hurt courses through my veins and causes an ache in my chest. He’s such a bastard.

“So, that’s what I am to you now? That’s all I’ve been to you during your time here? Just happy...”

Brian’s eyes widen and he quickly shakes his head. “No, Matt, I—”

“Well, you know what Brian, if your precious little job gives you more happiness than our relationship then maybe that’s where you need to be. Back in California with the FBI instead of here with me because I’m obviously dragging you down. I can honestly say that right now, I want nothing more than for you to be some where other than right in front of me at this moment. I’d rather you be back in California with Zack and your team of advanced crime fighters. Anything, and I mean anything would be better than this right now.”

Brian blinks, as if he doesn’t believe any of the words that just came out of my mouth, but I do. I’m done with being weak.

“W-What? Mattie, no, it’s not what you think. Please, just let me explain.”

“I’m tried of coming in second to your job, Brian. I couldn’t take it then, and I damn sure can’t take it now. Face it, Brian…you’re meant for guns and keeping our country save, and I’m meant for animals and waking up at the crack of dawn. So, just hop on the plane with Zack, and go back to your bliss. I’m tired of hurting because of you.”

“Matt, it’s not like that. Please,” he whispers, lightly stroking my cheek, his chocolate brown eyes sparkling with threatening tears. The defeated look on his face pulls at my heart, and my body is literally shaking as I suppress the urge to kiss him right then and make everything better.

My eyes slip shut as I take a much needed breath, standing my ground. “I don’t want to hear it, Brian.”

A whimper comes from the man in front of me as tears roll down his cheeks and with a curt nod, Brian walks to the door and repeatedly bangs on it with his fist, only stopping when Jimmy barges through the door.

“What the hell is going on in here?!”

Brian hastily wipes away his tears, brushing past Jimmy without a word. Jimmy furrows his eyebrows, looking at me with narrowed eyes. “What did you do?” He hisses, poking me in my chest.

“I beat him to the punch.”

“You what?”

“I hurt him before he could hurt me,” I shrug. “I was always placed second after his job, and I just want something that’s stable, something I can rely on.”

“But, Matt—”

“You’ve got some fucking nerve, Sanders!” I’m suddenly pushed against the nearest wall, a slight hiss escaping my lips when the back of my head comes in contact with the edge of a picture frame.

“You’ve got less than one minute to explain to me why my partner is currently packing his suitcase, crying his eyes out,” Zack whispers through clenched teeth, his eyes blazing with anger.

“Get the fuck off of me, Zack. You don’t know a damn thing,” I shove him hard, nearly making him trip over his own feet.

“Are you that fucking dense? You’re so hung up on what happened seven years ago to the point where you’re fucking blind, Matt! Brian fucking loves you, but you’ve got that stick so far up your ass, you won’t even give him a chance to prove it! I was there when he couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, couldn’t work, all because of the guilt that he felt every fucking day!”

I roll my eyes, beginning to make my way to the door when Zack grabs my wrist, pushing me down into the desk chair before handcuffing me to Jimmy, who looks at Zack as if he’s just grown a second head.

“What the hell, man? I’m not the one being a jackass.”

“True, but until Matt fucking listens, you’re stuck in here with him.”

Jimmy slaps me on the back of my head with his free hand, a scowl on his face. “You better open those ears, Matt. If this keeps me from getting laid tonight, I’m kicking your ass.”

I growl while Zacky rolls his eyes before speaking.

“Now, you listen, and you listen good, Sanders. In all the years that I’ve known Brian, he’s never acted like this. He never opened to anyone at the job, not even me. I could’ve easily hacked into his files, hoping to find something that I could use to help me, but my answer came when I saw the picture of you two together sitting on his desk, buried beneath piles of paperwork. That man thought about you every day, dreamed about you every night, longed for you every second of every minute, and loved you with every cell in his body. You were his everything, and there was nothing in this entire world that he wanted more than to be able to hold you in his arms again. He beat himself up for as long as he could over his decision to join the FBI because he knew he’d done something that would take a lifetime to make up for. But, he’s trying, and you can’t say that he isn’t. You think that he doesn’t want to be here, that he doesn’t want to commit himself to you and only you?”

My eyebrows furrow as he gathers a stack of papers off the desk, and I frown because I didn’t even notice those. He drops the pile in my lap before watching me as I sift through the papers.

“He’s hanging up his gun, Matt, “Zack finishes softly, his eyes never leaving me. My head snaps up, my breath hitching in my throat as the true situation hits me.

“He…he’s quitting the FBI? For me?”

“Yeah,” Zacky replies without emotion, finally unlocking the handcuffs, allowing for Jimmy to escape this interrogation.

“He’s giving up the life he knows for the life he desires. A life here one the ranch with you and the horses. He was happy with his job, but he realized that he needed more, he craved more. He’d abandoned that when he left you, and he recognized his mistake. Yes, seven years is a little late for that, but it’s better than never. Brian wants bliss, Matt, and he wants that bliss with you. Please, whatever you do, do not make the same mistake he did and throw it all away before giving it a chance, Matt. Please.”

Zack pulls me out of the chair, looking up at me with pleading eyes.

“So, it’s true? He…he really wants me?”

“Yes,” Zack pushes me towards the door, closing it behind him before he begins to pull me towards the stairs. “He wants you in every way possible. So, I suggest you fix it before he leaves for good.” I nod, but not before thanking Zack with a quick hug.

As quick as I can, I run upstairs, automatically stopping at the bedroom in which Brian and I have become closely re-acquainted. I take a deep breath, my nerves beginning to get the best of me. I don’t expect for him to be happy to see me, who can blame him? I can’t apologize enough for my behavior, but I hope he’ll hear me out…although I doubt that’ll happen.

“Come on, Sanders, open up. Let him back in like all those years ago. Let him love you,” I whisper to myself before finally swallowing the lump in my throat.

Well, here goes nothing.