A Little More Than Convenient

|Carmen Remington|
The first thing that I thought should have been, “Shit! Why did I do that?” My second thought should have been, “Fuck, did I screw up!” And my third thought should have been, “I’m such a freaking idiot.”
But I didn’t think any of that. I was in this trance, I guess. I was happy and fulfilled and a lot of other stuff combined. I wasn’t remorseful, either. Of course, this wasn’t the first time that I had slept with someone. He was my third person. Like I’d said before, I lost my virginity to my old high school boyfriend. And then there was Christian. But honestly, this was the first time that I had felt anything. And the first time I hadn’t felt guilty for having sex out of wedlock. Maybe because it wasn’t out of wedlock
After, Trent fell asleep. But I didn’t. I was lying on my side, thinking. Thinking about how wrong, how selfish I was being. It didn’t matter how I felt, I should have never agreed with him. Now, when I left, it was going to hurt him so much more.
But nevertheless, I spent the next month very carefree. I pushed Christian’s ultimatum into the back of mind and lived like a normal pregnant wife. I went to work, I nagged, I laughed, I loved, I ate.
Now that Jessica was engaged to Ross, I found myself comparing everything with her: cakes, decorations, flowers, wines (I did not drink them, though), dresses, tuxedos, and venues. Not that she made any concrete decisions. Everything was either too old or too modern; too fancy, too basic; too redneck; too Yankee.
Honestly, I was still surprised that Jess was settling down at all. Let alone with Ross.
I stopped sleeping in the guest room for many reasons. First of all, that was to be the nursery for the baby. And then there was the fact that I slept better when I wasn’t alone. I guess I felt safer, like I could relax. And okay, I guess I liked sharing a bed with Trent. I should have, I loved him.
Yes, I had accepted it. Not that I’d share that information with anyone. But I felt that it was okay to tell it to myself. I wasn’t going to tell anyone. Not Jess, not Lizzie, and especially not Trent. It was all too risky. Because, if they knew that, it would make it twice, maybe three times as hard to leave him. Leaving was already going to be hard enough. But having my sister, my husband, and my best friend jumping down my throat about it would be one major setback.
Trent and I spent the entire month of January acting like a normal married couple. We held hands in public, kissed in front of people we knew and put real pictures of us in the living room of the apartment. We even made love like a normal couple would. Honestly, to me, it was like sheer heaven on earth.
I tried to keep Christian out of mind, but every day I got a little more depressed. I knew that I wasn’t making it any easier by being happy, but I wanted to make the most out of my last month with Trent.
Besides, this wasn’t supposed to have happened. We were supposed to have gotten married, Trent was to have gotten promoted, and I was to have my bills paid off. And then we would get divorced. That was it. But that was not what happened.
What happened was I got pregnant. What happened was we became best friends. What happened was I fell in love with him.
I couldn’t tell you how many times that I have recounted that night that we first got together. Well, actually, the morning after. I woke up first. I figured that he would already be awake and in the living room watching Dr. Phil, but he was still snoozing away. I should have gotten up, but I stayed glued to the sheets. I was too busy thinking to leave. What was going to happen now?
I didn’t get to think about it very long because Trent woke up. He sat up, yawned, and then looked at me. “So...,” he trailed off.
I said nothing.
He shrugged. “You don’t have to say anything. Last night was...um-”
“Indescribable,” I replied.
He raised an eyebrow.
I blushed. “I meant that there’s no way to describe it. I mean...it was wrong, but it shouldn’t have been. Do you know what I mean?”
He nodded. “I think so. Do you regret it?”
I bit my lip, not sure how to answer.
He sighed and ran a hand through his short hair. “Well, I didn’t.”
I brightened up. “Neither did I.”
He grinned at me. “What you said, ‘let’s just be husband and wife,’ why don’t we just do that?”
I nodded. “That sounds good.”
So, that’s what we’d been doing. And I was really happy. Everyone noticed how happy we seemed. Ross and Jessica especially.
“You’re practically glowing,” Jessica said, “I don’t know if it’s because of the baby or the fact that you’re having-”
“Jess, no dirty talk. The baby can hear you.”
She rolled her eyes. “What the fuck ever.” Then, she covered her mouth. “Whoops sorry, baby. Sorry that your mom’s gonna be a freaky Stepford wife someday.”
I grinned at that thought. Not that I wanted there to be robots involved in my life, but...anyway.
But that month ended way too quickly. And I knew that if I didn’t leave Trent, his life would be ruined. And yeah, I had thought about being selfish. About not leaving, not passing the baby off as Christian’s. And, letting Trent go to prison. Either way, it was my fault. Christian wanted me; he was possessive. And he knew that putting his hands on me would make any man that I was with angry, therefore, they would hit him. Therefore, he could press charges against them. Therefore, either way, he’d have me. It was best to just let Trent live the rest of his life without me. Even though it would kill me.
Be that as it may, I stayed home sick that Tuesday, the thirty-first of January. It was important that I left while Trent wasn’t home, because I knew that he’d be suspicious. We knew each other all too well. Or, that had been the plan. I was completely ready to go, when he came home early. I even had the letter written out:
Dear Trent,
I’m really sorry that I even have to write this. I’m sorry doesn’t even cut it. You don’t deserve any of this. You’re such a great man, and I’ll admit, I genuinely did have feelings for you. But the problem is, I don’t fell comfortable staying here anymore. I lied to you, Trent. The baby, it’s not yours. Its Christian’s. I was already pregnant when I met you. And I saw you as my ticket out of debt, and out of obligation. I never meant to hurt you. I know that it doesn’t help at all, but I am truly, truly, sorry. I’m leaving the ring here, I can’t wear it without feeling extreme guilt. I’ll have the divorce papers filed soon. Again, I’m so sorry.
Sincerely, Carmen.
With tears streaming down my face, I had my stuff packed up, and the note on the coffee table. I trudged to the front door, and found Trent putting his key in the door.