A Little More Than Convenient

|Carmen Remington|
Dear Baby,
They say you never forget your first love. And you don’t. They say you never forget your first time. And they’re right, you don’t. What I’ve never heard is that you never forget your first marriage. But then, I find it extraordinarily likely that you don’t forget that either. Marriage is God’s way of forever binding two people in a union based on communication, trust, and of course, love. But sometimes, people abuse that amazing privilege. Sometimes people get married to escape, some to fulfill a selfish wish, or to prove or accomplish something. Every marriage has problems, but as you can imagine, these marriages have so much more problems. These almost always end in divorce because there’s not much communication, no trust, and of course, no love. However, every once in a while, these marriages turn into something more, and that makes everything else so much more complicated. Perhaps one of them feels something that the other one doesn’t. Or better yet, maybe they both feel the same way, but there’s so much against them.
You know, baby, there is a fine line between instinct and logic. Your instincts are controlled by your heart; your logic by your brain. Now, who’s to say that either of these things are wrong? No one, that’s who. It’s important to do what’s right no matter what the cost. This is called integrity. Sometimes, your heart is right, sometimes your brain is right. Either way, it’s up to you to figure it out.
The heart and the brain are contradictory. This isn’t exactly a bad thing. Your brain tells you the rational solution, but your heart tells you to listen to your gut feelings. Because logic and your instinct are contradictory, you will have pain in your life. I can’t keep you away from that, baby. As much as I’d want to shield you away from the hurt that I’ve been through, I can’t. It’s a lesson that’s you’re going to have to learn by yourself.
If you ever have to make one of these decisions, it’s probable that someone will get hurt. Believe me, I know. By leaving Trent, I didn’t just hurt him, I hurt myself. But I knew that if I didn’t leave him, he’d go to prison, and live his life unhappy. It’s better to hurt for a while, than forever, isn’t it? I wish I knew better. I just hope that one day you can understand why I chose to be unselfish.
Love always, Mommy
The drive to Christian’s apartment was the longest ride I’d ever had in my entire life. Even the time that my parents, aunt, sister, and I drove to Colorado for my cousin’s wedding. And that was around a forty-eight hour drive. No, the traffic drove me bananas, the radio made me depressed, and the silence made me stark crazy. My vision was blurred from the thick, salty tears that I tired to blink and brush away, but somehow still made their way down my face.
Jonesboro is a beautiful city, and usually, I enjoy driving through it, but not today. Today, I just wanted to drive south to Harrisburg and White Hall so that I could visit my grandmother in Cherry Valley. It’s a small, quiet little town, and it would have been so nice to just get away from all of the commotion. The college brought in lots of people, and it was one of the biggest cities in northeast Arkansas. It only makes sense that the population would be big.
I stopped at a red light and wiped my eyes. I had so many questions buzzing in my head. What was going to happen to me? To the baby? How could I have left Trent? How could Trent have let me leave? How could Christian be such a douche? Yet, there were no answers.
Leaving him was the hardest thing I’d ever done in my entire life. His eyes were so full of hurt, so full of questions. And then, he told me that he loved me. I nearly broke down right there, but somehow I stayed adamant. On the inside, it absolutely killed me. I literally felt everything in me immobilized. But I also knew that love isn’t everything that’s important to a marriage, and besides, Trent’s happiness was way more important to me than my own. Trent would move on, and I guess I would, too.
I still knew the way to Christian’s apartment by heart. While Trent’s apartment was right before you went into Jonesboro, Christian’s was in town. I swore to myself that I’d never go to there again, but I guess I severed that vow, just as I’d broken my vow to Trent: ‘til death do us part.’ We weren’t dead, but I might as well have been.
I felt so terrible for the baby. He/she basically went from having the best man in the world as a father, to the menace to Arkansan, if not American society. Christian hated kids, he’d told me so. That was part of the reason we broke up. I loved children, and wanted to have some of my own. Christian didn’t even really like his nieces and nephews.
I parked my Beetle in the parking lot in front of Christian’s apartment with a heavy heart. However, I didn’t immediately get out. There were lots of bad memories here, that I certainly did not want to relive. But there was just no other way.
Sighing, and wiping away a few more tears, I popped the trunk of the car and got out my bags. Then, I walked to his door.
It took me three minutes to finally knock on the door. I hated Christian! Why the hell was I here? That’s when I reminded myself that this was for Trent, the man that I loved, and would probably always love.
So, then I knocked softly, twice.
The heartless, blond bastard opened the door quickly. “Carmen!” he boomed, “Welcome home!”
I gritted my teeth and walked in with no reply.
“What? No hello? That’s terrible, Carmen, considering we’re going to be getting married soon.”
I felt angry tears prick to my eyes as I headed toward the other bedroom.
“Uh, uh, uh,” Christian waved his finger at me, “my bedroom.”
I gritted my teeth. Not only did I have to deal with him, but I couldn’t drink it away. I couldn’t drown my sorrows. I was pregnant. I couldn’t smoke or snort of inject or swallow anything either. I was pregnant, and I’d never done any drugs in my life; therefore, I couldn’t start now.
It looked like the rest of my life was going to pure hell.