Can't Hold Back

I have the life. At least, that's how it seems on the outside looking in. I'm young, healthy, happy, and somewhat talented. I have a family who cares about me, and a boyfriend who adores me. I have everything going for me.

But that's not the way it really is. There is so much wrong with my life; as good as it may seem. I feel like a horrible person. I feel like I'm living the life of someone I don't know. I'm trapped inside this world that doesn't make sense to me.

This is what happens when a girl is given everything she wants. She always wants more, she wants change; she wants something new.

I've been with my boyfriend Owen for almost a year. He's a dreamer, and an artist...much like myself. We go well together sometimes, but it only lasts for a very short time. He's the type that makes mountains out of molehills and stops talking to me for a week, but then comes back and tells me how stupid he was and how much he loves me.

What kind of stability is that?

There is none. I have nothing stable with Owen. And that scares me.

Don't get me wrong, there are plenty of times where he is so sweet and thoughtful. Owen can be so romantic and loving. He really is a good person underneath his rough exterior. He loves to bring me roses randomly, and he writes songs for me that he plays on his guitar.

"Becks."

I smile as I hear the soft whisper of my name from lips that are pressed against my hair.

"Mm?" I mumble contently, leaning the back of my head against his chest.

We are in the middle of nowhere, huddled up together against a tree that is sadly weeping. But it's weeping in a beautiful kind of way.

"I love you," he says and holds me closer.

I sigh when I hear the sorrow and regret in his voice.

"I know, Rayce," I say and turn around to face him. "And I love you too. You've got to feel that. I know you feel it as strongly as I do."

One would think a 16 year old girl would have no idea about love and desire- but I do. I wish I didn't. Because what I'm doing is almost unspeakable.

"I do," he says, and grabs my small face in his hands. "Becks, when I look into your eyes...oh my god. Everything stops. Nothing matters except you. All I see is you. I see inside you," he says softly and closes his eyes for a moment. "I just can't stand our situation. I hate that we got ourselves stuck like this."

Rayce loves my blue eyes. Just like Owen. They both get lost in my giant blue orbs. I'm fairly certain that my eyes are the reason why both of them started to notice me. They are very hard not to notice.

I used to love my eyes. But I've grown to resent them.

"We didn't get ourselves stuck," I say and tuck my hair behind my ear. "Everything happens for a reason, Ray. We happened for a reason. This means something," I say as I point to him and then myself.

"This didn't just happen Becks...it developed. We both felt something after meeting each other and we couldn't ignore it. We've went through too much to ignore it. You were always there. I couldn't get away, but I didn't want to. And Dana-"

"Dana is horrible-"

"Dana doesn't deserve this," he interjects. "And neither does Owen."

I shake my head. "We've been through this. You can't leave her and I can't leave him. There's no question about that."

It's a pretty messed up love triangle that I'm in. I love my best friend's boyfriend. And he loves me. And we all hang out and laugh and go on double dates. It's disgusting.

Rayce rests his forehead upon mine. "But we can't keep doing this to ourselves. This can't go on forever. I've been with Dana for over a year. She's going to expect more of me. What will we do then?"

I hated our conversations like this. They always ended the same way. No solution.

"We don't think about that now, Rayce. We live for today, remember? Remember when you told me that?" I put my hand up to his cheek. "I've learned so much from you. You've taught me things I will keep with me forever. You changed my life."

"And you changed mine, Becks. I wish it was simple for us to just be together even though there's millions of reasons why we shouldn't be. There are many more reasons why we should. That's the problem. The fact that I can't stop thinking about you whenever I'm with Dana is one. You're always on my mind and in my heart," he says and puts his hand over mine. "We're killing each other though. I'm getting to my breaking point and I know you are too. It's not fair, Becks."

I bite my lip and shake my head. "No. No I'm not. Stop talking like this, Rayce. You and me, we're meant to be together. We just have obstacles for the time being. You can't give up on us, you can't give up on me. I know this sucks having to lie and sneak around and keep things secret. But it's all we can do."

I hate the way he's looking at me. Like he can't fix what's wrong. It's true, he can't and I can't either. But he's the man, he should be stronger than this.

"One of them is going to find out. I swear I almost slipped up the other day. I caught myself, and you know what? I had a knot in my stomach for days. The look of confusion on Dana's face made me feel so guilty. I hate this guilt. And I feel worse knowing you share it with me. That's why we need to decide what we need to do here."

No. I don't want to hear this. Why is he talking to me this way? This isn't happening. I don't want it to happen.

"Stop it, Ray! I don't want to talk about this. I want to leave. Please take me home," I say and stand up immediately.

One bad thing about being 16 is that I can't drive. I depend on Dana, Owen, and Rayce to take me everywhere. If were older and had my own car I would be able to drive away on my own and not have to deal with an awkward drive home with Rayce.

"We can't keep postponing this. I will give you time, Becks. I need time too. I know I need to clear my head before I decide anything. I love you; I hate what we're doing."

He stands up as well and takes my hand in his own.

Rayce is so much taller than me. It's one of the things about him that I adore. He's exactly a foot taller than me at 6"2'. I have to stand on my tippy toes just to kiss him while he's leaning over. It's adorable; and I'm so drawn to that.

Dana is too tall for Rayce. They don't look cute together; not like he and I do. She's too much of a perfectionist for him. He never gets to do anything he wants to do with her. Dana always puts him down and walks all over him. It makes me so angry sometimes. But she is my best friend, and I have to go along with her every time she says something 'awful' about him, and pretend I agree with her. Just so she doesn't get suspicious.

I don't like it when my mind wanders the way it does. I don't like wondering what he thinks about when he's with her. If he's ever happy with her. If there's ever a moment when he smiles genuinely at her. If there is ever a time he thinks I'm too young and naive for him.

But then I am reassured of everything I need when he and I are alone together. All I have to do is look into his beautiful caramel eyes and I am just as smitten.