Can't Hold Back

I feel like everything happened too fast. But I also feel like it needed to. I was never going to be ready to end my relationship with Owen. There was never going to be a good time; there is no good time to break up with someone who doesn’t see it coming.

I almost feel a slight void in me, because as much as Owen and I fought and as much as I loved Rayce…Owen was an important person in my life. There was a time when I did love Owen, and he was good to me, and for me. It’s just a shame that I found someone better.

Rayce waited a long time to contact me, which made me feel very insecure. I was startling to think that I made a mistake, and that I shouldn’t have broken things off with Owen. I should have waited until I knew for sure what Rayce wanted to do.

Well it’s obvious what he wants to do, but it is a matter of how to go about it that is our main problem.

I should have thought about this a bit more before reacting to Owen’s statement about wanting to be with me forever, but just knowing that Rayce is on his way right now makes my nerves calm down a lot.

Of course I feel bad for Owen- because he didn’t do much wrong, he just didn’t do much right either. I am young, but I’m not dumb. I know that I can do better than him, and he was just going to hold me down. With all of his piercings and tattoos and stupid beard, how could he get a decent job? Not like it’s entirely his fault; he likes the way he looks and he wouldn’t change his style for anyone, not even me, and that says something.

Rayce on the other hand…he’s so smart and he can clean up so nice. I remember when we all went to prom last summer, how handsome he looked in his suit. I was so excited that I got to go to prom because Owen was a senior. It’s cool how it worked out actually, how all four of us got to spend prom together. I couldn’t dance with Rayce at prom but I hope I get the chance to dance with him one day.

I start to daydream about dancing with Rayce all dressed up- maybe at our wedding. How pretty my dress would be and how cute he would look in his tux.

My thoughts are interrupted by my doorbell ringing; it’s Rayce.

I rush down my stairs and let him in, hugging him tight around his waist as soon as he’s all the way in.

He hugs me back and kisses the top of my head.

“Hey Becks. Are you alright?”

I nod into his chest and squeeze him. I never want to let go of him. He feels like home.

“Now that you’re here, yes. I was starting to think about crazy things. I’m glad you came when you did,” I say and hold his hand as I drag him to my living room.

“What kind of crazy things?” he asks, and sits next to me on the couch.

“Well,” I started, and played with the zipper of his jacket. “I just daydreamed about dancing with you, and having you all to myself forever.”

He smiles softly and runs his hand through my blond locks.

“And why is that crazy, huh?”

I sigh. “Because there’s still one thing preventing it from being a realistic dream,” I say quietly and snuggle up to him.

I love the way he smells, he always smells so nice and clean, like he just got out of the shower.

“Don’t worry, Becks. I mean, you breaking up with Owen- not going to lie, it caught me off guard. But I’m very proud of you. And I will do what I have to do. I love you, Becks, but I need some time. I know you understand how difficult this is for so many reasons. But I think I have a plan.”

I sit up a bit so I can look at his beautiful face as he speaks to me. I have so many favorite features of Rayce’s, but right now as I look at him I just am in awe of his skin, not just it’s flawlessness but it’s color. My skin is so pale and sickly looking but his? His skin is almost golden. He’s still tan from summertime, and I love it. His skin tone really brings out the honey color of his eyes.

Rayce loves my eyes, and I love his. It’s funny how opposites attract sometimes.

“Do tell me about this plan.”

He bites his lip before talking. He always does that. Some people would see it as annoying but I think it’s adorable.

“I’ve thought about possibilities and options for a while now. None of them seemed right. And for spending hours upon hours you‘d think that I missed something and found out a way to let her down gently. But I couldn‘t find one. Because there is no way. That‘s just it, though.”

I furrow my eyebrows in confusion.

“What do you mean, Ray?”

“I…I think I’m going to tell her the truth, Becks. There’s no more reason to lie. I can’t hide anymore I can’t keep this,” he says and points to me. “…a secret. I want to be able to hold your hand and kiss you whenever I want. With her in the way I can’t do that. So…I need to tell her. I’m so sorry that it will end your friendship but I think- I think that might be what you want, Becks. Tell me if I’m wrong.”

My jaw drops slightly. Finally this is happening. It’s really going to happen. Rayce and I will be able to be together.

I shake my head.

“No, you’re not wrong. I don’t need Owen, and I don’t need Dana. All I need is you, Rayce. You’re all I ever wanted.”

I feel like crying a million happy tears- but I won’t. I’ll just hug and kiss him instead. I’m so happy I could die.