Can't Hold Back

I am starting to think more and more about what Rayce said. Especially as I sit here with Dana, listening to her rant about her almost perfect relationship. It bothers me that she can’t appreciate Rayce for who he really is, because he’s such an amazing person.

He’s taught me so much, and he’s helped me through a lot of things. Of course he has flaws; everyone does. But Dana is so self-absorbed that she can’t accept that his room is a mess, he puts ketchup on everything, and he likes to act like a goofball from time to time. I do accept those things, because I love Rayce. If Dana loved him than she would too.

“He’s taking me bowling on Sunday. Who the hell goes bowling anyway? I suck at any sport involving a ball. He knows that. Probably just wants to watch me fail. Rayce can be such a jerk.”

I sigh. “That may not be true, Dana. He just wants to spend time with you. To him, it doesn’t matter what you do…just as long as he’s with you.”

It hurts me to say that to her, because I didn’t mean it. That’s how her boyfriend is with me; he wants my time just to be with me. We could be sitting in the grass just holding hands saying nothing and doing nothing and it literally wouldn’t matter. Not to him. The only thing that matters to Rayce and I is each other.

“Whatever, I still would rather see a movie or go out to eat.”

I hear my doorbell ring and I know it’s Owen. I run down the stairs and open up the door for him.

He smiles at me and bites down on his lip ring.

“Why hello beautiful, gimme a kiss,” he says and puckers his lips.

I smile softly and give him a small peck. Rayce’s lips are so much fuller than Owen’s; I don’t like to compare the two boys in my life, but I always do. I can’t help it. Every time I look at Owen I see the features of Rayce’s face and body. It’s terrible, and I wish it could stop but I know it won’t. My feelings and need for Rayce will never go away.

Which brings me back to what Rayce had said the other day. He’s right; I don’t want to admit it, but he’s right. We can’t keep doing this forever it would damage our hearts so badly. But I don’t want to lost my best friend or my boyfriend, and the worst part? I would definitely lose both of them and I would lose them both at the same exact time. Rayce is all I need but I don’t want to have to give up Dana and Owen for him. I shouldn’t have to; we shouldn’t have to give up anything or anyone to be together.

And that’s why we’re not together.

“Come upstairs, Dana and I are watching TV in my room.”

Owen frowns. “I thought it was just going to be you and me, Becks. That’s what you told me yesterday. She’s always here,” he says, shrugging his shoulders.

I make a pouty face. “I’m sorry, but she’s my best friend. You know she’s here all the time. And I don’t remember telling you that, silly. You just heard what you wanted to hear,” I say playfully. “Come on up. Don’t worry, she’ll probably leave soon anyway.”

I got used to putting on an act for him. I feel bad about it sure, but it’s what I need to do.

Owen follows me upstairs and sits on my bed with Dana. I take a seat in my computer chair and face it towards the TV.

“Becks why don’t you sit over here?” he asks and motions with his hand for me to come over.

“Oh, okay.”

I sit next to my boyfriend, and he immediately pulls me close to him and kisses my cheek.

“So how was work, O?” Dana asks, popping a piece of gum into her mouth.

Owen’s name is already short, and it bothers me that she calls him ‘O’ like; a lot. But I keep my mouth shut because I call her boyfriend Ray all the time and I know she hates it. She hates it because she thinks she’s special and can only call him that; but he likes it when I call him Ray, so I do.

“It was fine, I mean I work at a shoe store. People like to buy shoes.”

“I need a pair. Maybe I’ll stop in on Tuesday when I’m off,” she says and takes out her cell to probably text Rayce.

“Awesome. You know Becks, Dana comes in to visit me and you never do. Funny isn’t it?” he says a bit too sarcastically.

I turn to face him. “Owen, I don’t drive. If I did I would come see you all the time. You know that.”

I sort of lied. If I could drive I wouldn’t go to the over-populated mall just to talk to him at Journey’s for five minutes before someone came up to him asking for help.

“Yeah yeah,” he says and looks over at Dana, who is getting up to gather her things. “Where are you going?”

She smirks. “Over to Ray’s house. You guys want to be alone- I get that. Just stop bickering it’s so silly!”

Like her and Rayce don’t have mini-fights.

“Ha ha. Well see you later Dana. Have fun,” Owen says and scoops me up for a cuddle as soon as she’s out of sight.

I laugh and push his face away when he tries to kiss me. “You were mean to me, you don’t get a kiss,” I say and giggle only a little when he tickles me.

“I’m sorry, Becks. I just- I want to be with you all of the time. I want your attention and sometimes I feel like I don’t have it. We’re fine right? And if we weren’t you’d tell me. God, I don’t know what I would do without you, Becks. I love you so much. All I have to do is look into your eyes and I fall for you all over again.”

I bite my lip and sigh. This is why I can’t tell him. This is why I can’t break his heart. How could I say ‘actually no, we’re not fine. I’m seeing Dana’s boyfriend behind both of your backs.’ I can’t.

“Of course we’re fine, Owen. I’m sorry you feel that way. You know how I get. You don’t have to be so clingy. I’m here, and I‘m not going anywhere.”

His eyebrows touched and he made a face. “So that’s what you think. You think I’m too clingy? Becks I care about you, I want you to want to be around me. Didn’t know that was so bad.”

“Hey, stop, it’s not. You always put words in my mouth, that’s not what I meant.”

And another one of our stupid fights ensue...