Can't Hold Back

I close my eyes for a moment and pretend I was somewhere else. Someplace where things were different, and everybody was happy. Some magical place where no one got hurt and no one fought or argued about anything.

I hate knowing that a place like that doesn’t exist. Things would be so much better if that place were real. It’s such a shame how life never works out the way anyone wants it to. It sucks.

But life doesn’t suck when I’m with Rayce. If everyone vanished except for the two of us, everything would be okay. I wouldn’t be scared. I would know that Rayce would be all that I could ever need and more.

Rayce was like my air- I needed him to survive. Without him, I wouldn’t be alive. I wouldn’t want to be alive. Whenever I look at him I just melt. I feel so safe and wanted and just…whole. Rayce makes me whole.

“What are you thinking about Becks?” Rayce asks, while threading his fingers through my hair. “I love the look on your face right now. It’s hard to explain. You just look so adorable when you’re deep in thought like this.”

I pull on the hem of his shirt playfully.

“Lots of things. You mainly,” I say and look up at him. “I love this place. Our spot, you know? This tree is so big and beautiful. We’ve shared so many things here. But…don’t you ever want to just pack up and leave? To get away, and leave everything and everyone behind. Why can’t we do that, Rayce?”

He sighs as polite as he can. “You know why, Becks. You know I would love to do that. In a perfect world, though. Think about it- really think. If you and me just left with little to no explanation, what would happen? First of all, you’re not even legal so you can’t leave. Second of all, the obvious; Dana and Owen. It’s really messed up. As much as we love each other Becks…you and I both love our significant others too. And our selfishness can only take over so much.”

At first I wanted to get mad, and rebut against what he just said. But then like always, I realize that he’s right. He’s the voice of reason in this…whatever this is. I’m very headstrong and naïve and he’s so level-headed and mature. That’s part of the reason why I love him so much. If everything were up to me things would be so hectic and much worse than they already are.

“I know. That’s why we have to meet in secret or lie to them. Which I don’t like doing. But I know it’s the only way. I just can’t help thinking about the ‘what ifs’ of certain situations. If I were older I’m sure we would have less of a problem escaping. I would leave my parents and Owen behind. I swear I would, if it meant that I could be with you, no questions asked.”

Rayce’s large hand cupped my cheek and he smiled with his beautiful white teeth shining.

“I think about ‘what if’ all the time. And it sucks, honestly. I stop myself from thinking too much because I know it will hurt me. I am hurt. You’re hurt. I would do anything to make you’re hurting stop, Becks, and I think you understand that. But you also understand how difficult our situation is. You mean everything to me, you really do. But I can’t help but think this, and you’re going to hate me for saying it, but just think about this situation- what if Owen was cheating on you? How would you feel, regardless of what we’re doing? Because if I found out that Dana cheated on me? I would be so angry and feel so betrayed. It kills me to think that I could make her feel like that.”

He is right again, I am upset that he brought this up, but he makes a good point. If Owen cheated on me I would feel like crap. I’m a hypocrite. We both are.

My lip quivered as I realized how truly horrible of a person I must be.

“So what do we do?” I ask, terribly afraid of the answer.

Rayce kisses my forehead and for the first time in forever, it doesn’t make me feel any less guilty.

“I don’t know, Becks. But we have to come up with something soon. That’s all I’m sure of. We can’t keep doing this to them or to ourselves. It’s just not right.”