Can't Hold Back

I stand in front of my mirror and toss my hair around for a bit. I never like how it looks, and I always wind up putting the blond strands behind my ears no matter what. I know Owen likes my hair up, he's always told me that. He thinks my ears are cute for whatever reason.

I don't put on a lot of make-up, I just put on mascara and a little bit of eyeliner. I was only sleeping over Dana's house. But I did want to look pretty for Rayce.

I wasn't ever into beauty products that much anyway. I never had to be, because Dana wasn't. Stereotypical girl friends do make-up and hair but Dana and I never did. We both prefer the natural look; and we both can pull it off quite well I think.

I hear my doorbell ring; I look at myself one more time in the mirror before turning around, shutting off my light and going downstairs.

I let Rayce in, and he kisses me hello. He complements me on my dress; and it makes me feel so good about myself. I've worn this exact outfit for Owen dozens of times and he never complimented me on it; not once.

"Thanks, Rayce. I try," I say sheepishly. "Ready to go?" I ask with a huge smile on my face.

He nods, and I close my door behind me.

The car ride to Dana's house is silent. I don't want to talk about the sleeping situation. I know that I will be alone on the couch while Dana gets to be in his arms. Which is how it has been since they started dating and it drives me insane. It's not fair that she gets to hold him close at night. It's not fair that I want to be her sometimes.

He pulls into her driveway and we both get out without saying anything. We wonder if she's going to be right by the door or looking out her window, so we make sure to walk a safe distance away from each other.

We walk inside, take off our shoes, and go right up to Dana's room.

Dana wraps her arms around her boyfriend and kisses him a million times. I try not to make a face as I feel a sickening drop in my stomach.

"So I figure we'll just hang out, eat some junk, watch some TV, and sleep you know, and then do whatever tomorrow until we go out for dinner."

Such an elaborate plan Dana thinks she has.

"Sounds good.” Rayce says.

“I’ll go downstairs and make some popcorn, be right back.” She says with a smile.

When Rayce makes sure she’s all the way downstairs, he walks over to me and gives me a hug; a quick one.

“I don’t want you to be so far away tonight,” he admits, and sighs.

“I’m going to be right below Dana’s room, relax,” I say, trying to make him feel better even though I probably feel much worse than he does.

“Anywhere besides my arms is too far, Becks. I’ve never slept in your bed, and knowing that I most likely never will? Kills me. I want what I have with Dana to be what I have with you. God this is so messed up.”

I hush him and try to calm him down for the time being. The last thing either of us wants is for Dana to overhear us talking about our secret relationship.

The night goes just as I thought it would. Dana laughs up a storm and shoves food into her mouth knowing that she’ll never get fat from it. She grabs Rayce’s arm every time he says something funny and she squints her eyes from laughter. I hate when she does that.

It almost makes me feel good when she fails to notice that her boyfriend and I are texting each other throughout the night. She can be so dumb sometimes. But I’m glad. I love having texts from Rayce. They always make me smile and feel so cared for.

When it’s time for me to go to the couch downstairs I feel sad all over again. Rayce and I exchange looks that are only for us. I know he will text me sweet things before I fall asleep; just like he always has, and always does.

~

We sit around and pretty much do nothing all day. Dana changes her outfit about 20 times, just because. She is too picky about wearing the same thing twice. It is just how she is sometimes.

Owen arrives and I have to put on the act that I always did. The ‘I’m in love with you and only you’ act that I absolutely hate.

He is being so nice and sweet to me today, and it makes me feel guilty as all hell. Every time he mentions how cute I am or how big, blue, and amazing my eyes look, I feel like crying. I am a terrible human being for doing this to him.

I need to find a way to make this right; but there isn‘t one. I have to accept that this whole thing is a mess that can’t be cleaned up nicely.

Rayce all but glares at Owen whenever he says something nice to me. It’s like he wants Owen to treat me badly. We both think that way. We try to make our situation acceptable but it never works out the way we want.

“Dana hurry up, baby girl. The movie starts in less than an hour and a half and we have reservations, sweetie,” Rayce says to try and butter her up so she moves her ass quicker.

“Okay!” She calls out. “Sorry, just a minute!”

When Dana is finally ready, we leave.