Can't Hold Back

Today is just one of those days where I don’t want to do anything. I have no motivation for productive activities. I get this way sometimes, especially when I’m feeling a little bit depressed. It’s nothing major, but it does happen. Most people wouldn’t think that someone in my position would have the heart to actually feel sad about what I’m doing- but I do. I feel sad about it almost every day. The only way I’m not? Is when Rayce is smiling at me. Then I know everything is going to be okay.

But I’ve had my doubts lately, and it’s freaking scary. I feel like Rayce is either ready to come clean or call the whole thing off. And I’m not ready for that; how would a person be ready to do something like that? A part of me is angry with Rayce for even suggesting it, but the other more sensible half knows he’s right.

Rayce is usually right. He’s older, and smarter. He’s just all around amazing, and that’s the problem. Dana doesn’t deserve him, she’s the exact opposite of him. The only thing they have in common is being good looking- literally that’s it.

I mean even Owen and I have more in common than Dana and Rayce and that’s saying something because Owen and I don’t agree on anything as of late.

In a twisted way, I did think about the joke that Rayce made…about switching. Lord knows I don’t want to do that but the thought crossed my mind. How cool would it be if that were to actually work out. Jealousy and ethics aside, of course. If Dana was with Owen and I was with Rayce- I actually feel like we’d all be happier. But knowing that it would never happen starts to make me sad all over again.

So I call Rayce.

The phone only rings once before he answers. It’s always been that way, he never leaves me waiting.

“Hey, Becks. How are you?”

I smile and lie back on to my bed. I smile even more when my adorable kitty jumps up as well and snuggles into my side.

“Eh, I could be better. How about you?”

“What’s wrong, Becks? What happened?”

It makes my heart melt that he cares so much about me. The concern in his voice is so comforting, like he wants to help me no matter what.

Owen on the other hand would just tell me I complain too much, or that I should just wait until ‘real life’ comes around and then start complaining.

That’s one thing that I never could understand; Rayce is older than Owen but he never uses his age as an excuse to tell me what to do or give me advice.

“Nothing happened, Ray. I’ve just been thinking. And I’ve been getting really upset and scared. All I want to do is see you right now but I know I can’t. It drives me crazy sometimes and I know it’s not fair.”

Rayce always hangs out with Dana Monday through Thursday during the afternoons because she works the whole weekend and she gets ‘separation anxiety’ which isn’t true. She just wants to control him.

There’s pros and cons to that; it means that Rayce and I can see each other over the weekends but it also means that during the week we barely see much of each other, and that’s usually when I need him the most.

“I’m sorry, Becks. I’m going over Dana’s in ten minutes. I could try to stop by yours for a few but I have a feeling she’d call me out about being late. It’s your call. I just want to help.”

I bite my lip and sigh quietly to myself. I pet my kitty on her head and give her a small hug with one arm. She purrs up a storm; this cat loves to be loved. I found her on the street when she was small…she’s come such a long way.

“No it’s okay. I don’t want you to be in trouble with her because of me. But I just want to get somewhere with everything. We have the same talks all the time but we never get anywhere. Thinking about all the possibilities is giving me pains in my stomach. I don’t want to feel like this anymore,” I admit.

I hear him take in a deep breath.

“Don’t worry, Becks. I’ve never broken a promise to you and I never will. I’m promising you that we will figure something out. It may not feel like the best solution when we come to one, but I can guarantee that we won’t regret our choice. We’re too smart for that. I know we are.”

I turn over and stare at my wall. Lots of my artwork is hanging on my walls; mostly my sketches that aren’t done yet. I don’t usually finish my work, I like the way it looks in it’s progressive state. Like, it could be something more- but it’s not. It is what it is and that’s it. If only life was like that. If only my life could just stay still with Rayce and everything and everyone else could move on.

“I wish you could promise me that no one would get hurt,” I say and bring my knees in close to my chest.

“Me too, Becks. God I’d give anything to be able to promise you that,” he says in the most sincere tone I’ve ever heard. “I have to go now. But please stop being sad. I love you. So much. I’m so in love with you, Becks. I wish it was enough. I wish I could give you everything.”

“It is enough, Rayce. Don’t ever feel like it’s not. I love you too. More than you’ll ever know.”

I hang up and just hold my phone in my hands for a while. I hate this mess that I’m in, and I hate that there is no easy or simple way to get out.

I close my eyes for a second to collect myself and my thoughts. Now would be a good time to text Owen and tell him to come over. Why? Because I always do this. I always try to see if Owen can actually ease my fears and help comfort me. 9 times out of 10 he doesn’t…but there’s that 10% chance that he just might.