Status: Finished
Golden Slumbers
Actually...
Oli
I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. It’s been almost a week since my mom started her grieving process again, but she doesn’t appear to be getting any better, which is bad. She’s never stayed in bed for this long. By now she should at least be walking.
And then there was that conversation with Till today. I don’t know what I was going to tell him....well, kind of. I was going to say that actually I’ve wondered what it’s like to be gay...what it’s like to kiss a guy. And that scares the shit out of me.
I keep telling myself it’s normal to want to kiss a guy, normal to wonder. I’m not brave enough to ask Charlie or Alejo if they think the same things, cause what if they look at me like I’m a freak? It’s been three days since I had that conversation with Till, and everything seems to be falling apart.
I’ve always been one to keep to myself, but somehow I’ve been telling Till things no one else knows, like how angry I get and what the key around my neck is for. And he told me about his mom leaving, about the time his dad kicked him out. We’re starting to become friends, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
There’s my mom, too. She’s not getting better and I have no idea what to do. All she does anymore is lie in bed, and I suppose she eats and uses the bathroom I’m in school. Her work keeps calling, asking where she is, the messages getting more and more urgent.
I have to tell them she’s really sick, that there’s no way she can come to the phone. The food in our house is running out, so soon I’ll have to use my own money to buy more. It’s not that I mind, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of money. I have a job, at a tiny garage in town, but it doesn’t pay a lot. Heat bill is coming up, so is electricity, and there’s no way I can pay those alone. If mom gets fired I have no idea what we’ll do.
All I’m doing is getting more and more stressed every day. I’m barely sleeping anymore, heart pounding too hard to close my eyes. Every muscle in my body is tight, and I can feel the stress hunching my shoulders and turning my mouth in a frown. I’m twitchy all the time now, and these weird rages are coming more often. My hands are bruised and sore from punching walls. If Mom doesn’t get better soon, I don’t know what to do.
I’m not sure what I’m doing anymore. It’s been almost a week since my mom started her grieving process again, but she doesn’t appear to be getting any better, which is bad. She’s never stayed in bed for this long. By now she should at least be walking.
And then there was that conversation with Till today. I don’t know what I was going to tell him....well, kind of. I was going to say that actually I’ve wondered what it’s like to be gay...what it’s like to kiss a guy. And that scares the shit out of me.
I keep telling myself it’s normal to want to kiss a guy, normal to wonder. I’m not brave enough to ask Charlie or Alejo if they think the same things, cause what if they look at me like I’m a freak? It’s been three days since I had that conversation with Till, and everything seems to be falling apart.
I’ve always been one to keep to myself, but somehow I’ve been telling Till things no one else knows, like how angry I get and what the key around my neck is for. And he told me about his mom leaving, about the time his dad kicked him out. We’re starting to become friends, and I’m not sure how I feel about that.
There’s my mom, too. She’s not getting better and I have no idea what to do. All she does anymore is lie in bed, and I suppose she eats and uses the bathroom I’m in school. Her work keeps calling, asking where she is, the messages getting more and more urgent.
I have to tell them she’s really sick, that there’s no way she can come to the phone. The food in our house is running out, so soon I’ll have to use my own money to buy more. It’s not that I mind, it’s just that I don’t have a lot of money. I have a job, at a tiny garage in town, but it doesn’t pay a lot. Heat bill is coming up, so is electricity, and there’s no way I can pay those alone. If mom gets fired I have no idea what we’ll do.
All I’m doing is getting more and more stressed every day. I’m barely sleeping anymore, heart pounding too hard to close my eyes. Every muscle in my body is tight, and I can feel the stress hunching my shoulders and turning my mouth in a frown. I’m twitchy all the time now, and these weird rages are coming more often. My hands are bruised and sore from punching walls. If Mom doesn’t get better soon, I don’t know what to do.