I Can't Not Love You

[Jack]

January 10th. It’s the first day of All Time Low’s winter tour in the United States, and I’m pretty sure that I am the only one who isn’t hyped up over it. It’s weird because, being Jack, I’m usually the most hyped up over new tours. Sure, I’m excited to be back on the road with my friends, but I’m not as enthusiastic about it as I used to be. I mean, I have to live on a bus with ten other guys for the next two and a half months. And even though I’m gay, it’s going to be torturous.

Why? Because I’m completely in love with Alex Gaskarth, one of the guys that I’ll be living with on tour.

Of course, I hadn’t realized this fact until a few months ago. It had taken me until we were twenty-one years old to figure that out. All of my friends know that I’m gay. It was kind of obvious when I had hooked up with a guy at a party my sophomore year. I had been openly gay since then, despite the teasing I received. I’m not ashamed of my sexuality though. I am ashamed, however, that the guy I love is my best friend. Alex and I have been friends for so long that the thought of him knowing about it is completely terrifying.

And that’s why I plan on hiding it from him at all costs.

All I have to do is continue acting like I usually do with him – crazy and wild. Those were definitely the adjectives to describe the two of us together. “Couple” would be a nice thing to describe us, though. I shook my head, shaking the thought from my mind. I had to stop thinking about that.

I sighed and heaved my suitcase into the compartment under the bus, shoving it in with all the others. It’s amazing how twelve suitcases can fit into that one small space. I picked up my smaller bag, looking around. Most of the crew members were walking around by the trailer, and my band mates were nowhere to be seen. They had probably already rushed onto the bus to claim their bunks. Fuckers.

I headed toward the bus door but I was stopped by Danny Kurily, my guitar tech and one of my best friends. He was the only person who knew that I liked Alex, and that was completely by accident. Danny had found me crying in the back of the bus toward the end of our summer tour a few months ago. I had gotten upset over my realization that I loved Alex. He had sat down to talk with me about it, knowing that I needed to tell somebody. It was probably the most open discussion I had ever had with him. I had made him swear not to tell anyone and although he wanted to, he kept that promise.

“Hey Jack!” Danny greeted with a broad smile. “You pumped for this tour?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said with a shrug, a lot less enthusiastically than him.

He smiled, understanding, “Don’t worry, Jack. It’ll be fun, you’ll see. And, you never know, maybe...”

“Danny,” I warned, cutting him off with a frown. He laughed.

“Okay, okay. I won’t mention it. Don’t be so tense. It’s too obvious that you’re stressed out already,” Danny said, squeezing my shoulder.

“I’ll try to loosen up,” I muttered.

He smiled, “Good boy. Now get on the bus and save me my favorite bunk while I help the others finish packing up the equipment.”

I opened the door and climbed onto the bus as he walked away, greeted by warm air. It was a nice relief to the ten-degree Baltimore weather outside. “Jack!” Alex exclaimed, seeing me get onto the bus. “Your usual bunk is open for you.”

“Sweet,” I grinned, immediately cheering up when I saw Alex, Zack, and Rian. I walked back to where they were, by the bunks. I tossed my bag into Danny’s favorite middle bunk above mine to save it for him. Mine wouldn’t be taken because everyone knew that they weren’t supposed to go near it. Alex and I always slept in two of the bottom ones, directly across from each other. Rian slept above Alex and Zack slept above Rian. Zack was the only one who ever had the strength and energy to willingly climb up to the top bunk. Everyone else who ended up in the top bunks hated it.

“I’m so exited for this tour. All of us together with The Maine is gonna make a great tour,” Alex said excitedly, nearly bouncing in excitement as he stood in front of us. He looked adorable.

“It’s gonna be a constant party,” Zack grinned.

I laughed, “Definitely. Those boys know how to have fun.”

“And we don’t?” Alex teased, pushing me in the arm lightly. “We’ll show them how real men party.”

“Hell yeah we will,” Rian agreed.

We heard voices coming front, and headed up there to see that all of the crew members were piling onto the bus. Matt Flyzik walked inside, followed by Danny, Vinny, Grieco, Ian, Evan Kirkendall, Jeff Maker, and Matt Colussy.

“All of the equipment is packed up in the trailer. Did all of the food get put away?” Flyzik asked.

“Forget the food – I want my bunk!” Vinny said, pushing ahead of everyone to make a run for the bunks.

“Hey, no fair! You got a head start!” Evan whined, running after him. I dove out of the way as everyone dashed toward the bunks, falling into Alex and ending up with him lying on top of me on the floor.

“So, is this where I’m going to get pushed to sleep every night?” Alex questioned with a laugh, looking down at me. I just laughed nervously, heart beating quickly. As much as I liked having Alex lie on top of me, it was awkward to be lying on the bus floor as everyone ran past us. Alex pushed himself up with a smile, helping me up before heading back to the bunks. “If anyone touches my bunk, they’ll get their dick chopped off!”

“Graphic,” Danny chuckled, walking past Alex as he headed up front. “Thanks for saving my bunk, Jack. Vinny cussed me out when he realized that I had already had it saved for me.”

I laughed, “Sucks to be him. Who’s stuck climbing to the other three top bunks this tour?”

“Grieco, Ian, and Jeff. Evan took the bottom bunk because he’s too lazy to be bothered to actually climb into a bunk,” Danny said.

“I heard that,” Evan scoffed, punching Danny in the shoulder as he made his way back up front. “I’m not lazy – I just prefer to fall onto the ground and roll into the bunk.”

“Yeah, that’s not lazy at all,” I said sarcastically, chuckling as he flipped me off. Maybe the tour wouldn’t be quite so bad, after all. So far there was nothing for me to worry about. As long as I could keep my secret from Alex, everything would be alright.