I Can't Not Love You

[Alex]

It had been a week now and Jack still wouldn’t talk to me. We were in Oregon and had just played our second to last show of the tour. I was getting desperate now because I didn’t want Jack going home and never speaking to me again. I hadn’t realized how much pain I’d be in with Jack refusing to talk to me or even be around me. I didn’t realize how much he meant to me until he was suddenly out of my life. Or around the corner, hiding from me, anyway.

The more I thought about it, the more I began to realize that maybe I did love Jack too. It had been bubbling down inside me for a while now and was just beginning to surface. And even though it should be a good feeling, it was terrible because I didn’t know what to do about it. How was I even supposed to tell him if he wouldn’t talk to me?

I picked up the little towel beside me, wiping the sweat off my face. We had just gotten off stage and the others were showering and changing clothes. I was sitting against the wall backstage, watching as the crew packed up our equipment and headed toward the trailer. The only one who gave me a sympathetic look was Flyzik. I sighed and pulled my knees up to my chest, lying my head down against them. Is this what it felt like to be somewhat depressed?

I was sitting there for a while before I felt someone nudge me with their foot. I looked up to see that it was Flyzik. He sighed, “You need to get up and shower. The others have been outside meeting fans for a while.”

“Okay,” I mumbled, standing up. I headed into the back to take a quick shower and get dressed, before heading backstage again. The crew was getting the last of the stuff out into the trailer. I headed outside and was met with a few screams of excitement from the fans that were left. I smiled weakly, pulling my sharpie out of my pocket so I could sign some stuff for them. Rian and Zack were nowhere to be seen, but Jack was standing a few yards away, talking to some fans. He had the biggest smile on his face that I had seen all week. Seeing the smile on his face made me feel bad, because I knew he was happy because of the fans. He probably felt like at least some people still love him. He realized that I was outside and excused himself, telling the fans he needed to go to the bus and get some dinner.

I signed for fans and talked with them a little longer until it was time to get back to the bus. I headed inside and saw that most of the guys were up front, eating and watching movies. They ignored me as I trudged back to my bunk quietly.

I lay down in my bunk for a few hours, trying to sleep, but I was getting restless. I couldn’t fall asleep. My mind was too active for me to sleep. It was already two in the morning, but I needed to get up and walk around somewhere to clear my mind. The bus wasn’t leaving tonight, so there was no risk of it leaving without me. I rolled out of my bunk quietly and pulled my shoes and a hoodie on. My hair was sticking up all over the place, but I didn’t care. I could hear a few of the others snoring in their bunks, but a lot of them seemed to be in the front lounge still.

I grabbed my wallet and phone, put them in my pocket, and headed up front. Everyone fell silent as I walked past, probably wondering where I was going. No one asked, so I didn’t say anything. I headed off the bus and looked around, wondering which way to go. I decided to walk away from the town, so there was no chance of being recognized by anyone. I walked down the side of the road until I reached a park that happened to be nearby.

I walked around the park with my hands in my pocket, trying to clear my mind. It wasn’t working so well; my thoughts kept returning to Jack. I found a bench and sat down, shivering slightly in the cold air. It was only about forty degrees outside, which was much different from the California weather we had been experiencing for the last week. I sighed heavily and put my head in my hands.

I must have been sitting there for a while, because I actually started to doze off as I was sitting there. I suddenly heard a branch crack and I jumped, looking around. My eyes widened as I saw a person walking toward me. I couldn’t tell who it was because it was so dark outside. The person came close to me and put a hand on my shoulder, and I jumped up from the bench.

“Alex, chill out. It’s just me,” I heard Rian say, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I squinted in the dim moonlight and was able to see him better as my eyes adjusted.

“Thank god. I thought someone was about to murder me,” I said, sitting back down on the bench.

Rian sat down next to me, “What are you doing out here?”

“What are you doing out here? I thought you weren’t speaking to me,” I said, looking up at him.

“You’ve been gone for over an hour and I was getting worried, so I came looking for you. I figured you would walk away from the town, so I walked to the park and looked around for a while until I found you,” Rian explained. “So what gives? Why did you leave the bus?”

“I couldn’t sleep. I decided to take a walk so I could try to clear my mind, but it isn’t working out so well,” I sighed.

“If you want to talk about it, I’m all ears,” Rian said.

I looked up at him in surprise, “Really?”

“Of course. I’m pissed at you for hurting Jack, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to be a shitty friend and not listen to you,” he said, reaching out and squeezing my shoulder.

“I just... I don’t know. I’m a terrible person. I didn’t realize that Jack liked me so much, so I thought he wouldn’t mind that we stopped having sex. It wasn’t until now that I realized how much I actually like him too,” I sighed, putting my face in my hands again.

“So you really do like him? It wasn’t just the sex you liked?” Rian questioned.

“Of course I like him. I didn’t act all cute with him just for show. The fact that I’ve barely seen him in a week and can’t talk to him has made me realize how much I love being with him. It’s been a shitty week without him,” I mumbled through my hands.

“Us not talking to you probably hasn’t helped much either,” he said, and I nodded.

“Rian... it’s just... I think I love him too,” I said quietly, looking up at him. “And I don’t know how to tell him that. I’m afraid to.”

Rian smiled sympathetically, “Just talk to him, Alex. Tell him. That’s the only thing you can do.”

“That isn’t as easy as you think. You guys won’t let me anywhere near him,” I muttered.

“If you really love him, you’ll find a way to talk to him,” Rian told me. “And I suppose I could distract the others after our last show, so that you can get Jack alone and talk to him...”

I nodded quickly, “Please do. Please. I’m begging you.”

Rian chuckled, “I’ll see what I can do. Let’s get back to the bus right now though. It’s almost four in the morning and I’m exhausted.”